Monday, February 21, 2011

Buck, the One Night Stand, and Almost Dying (Not in a Sexy Way)

After my high school girlfriend and I split, I went a few years without dating or anything of that nature. Sure, I knew several chicks that I was interested in, but I've always a problem with motivation, so I would just admire them from afar, and it would end at that. However, after a few years, I got all mopey and lonely and other manly emotions. "How did you cure your loneliness?" you ask? Well, by going to the illustrious Yahoo Chat rooms, of course!

Largely uneventful were my ventures in the chat rooms. I met one lady, though. She told me her name was Nicole. Cool. She sent me a picture of herself. She was a little big. Not fatty-fat-fat, but certainly not skinny. Cool. She was also black. Since I'm not a southern plantation owner, I'm cool with that. We chat for a few weeks, and everything is good.

I come home from a bullshit-filled night of work one night, quite tired. That statement is important. My friends are hanging out in my room, watching TV. I jump on the ol' computer, and eventually Nicole and I start chatting. She mentions that her college roommate is out of town. She then says that if I'm not doing anything, I should give her a visit. When I'm tired, I'm horrible at making good decisions. Anyway, I realize that I, in fact, don't have any plans for the night, so of course I take her up on her offer. She only lived about an hour and half away, and I had enough gas to make the trip. I tell her I'm on my way, and she tells me to meet her at the McDonalds. My friends ask where I'm going, and I just smile and say I'll be back tomorrow. If they weren't so busy laughing, I'm sure we would've been high-fiving.

I arrive at the McDonalds, give her a call, and after a few minutes she arrives. As soon as she stepped out of her car, a few things occurred to me:

  1. I know why she wanted to meet at McDonalds. This chick was LARGE. And also very short. If I had to guess, I'd say she was around 5'1 and roughly 250 pounds. Realizing that I was only about 130 pounds at the time, and understanding why I was there to visit her, I couldn't figure out any math equation where the inevitable wouldn't be painful for me.
  2. In relation to number one, I also realized that the picture she sent me was not even remotely her. Face was different, weight, everything. She had rolled me. But, remember, I'm tired, so I don't really care.
  3. She has a very interesting sense of fashion. She stepped out wearing an all pink sweat-suit outfit, and on the back on her pants it said something like "Sexy" or "Princess" or something. It could have had an entire paragraph and still fit while still being easy to read from a distance.
I follow her back to her dorm, where I had to sign a visitor form. The chick that was in charge of the paper process handed me the sheet, looked at Nicole, looked back at me, and gave me the "You poor bastard" smile/head shake. I'm not good at picking up not-so-subtle hints at this point. The girl with the paper says "Have a good night, Shaniqua."

At this point, I may have to remind anyone reading this that I swear to God I'm not racist. So when I heard this, I immediately thought, "There is no way that is your name. You're a -Nay-Nay away from being a cast member on "Martin." There is no way I can call her that with a straight face."

We get back to her room. I assume it's a standard-sized dorm room. A bed on either side of the room, TV on another side, with a computer desk across from the TV. What I thought was weird was the height of the beds. They seriously came up to roughly my mid-chest. This immediately became hilarious as I watched Shaniqua climb onto a chair, and literally roll onto the bed. I should also say that when I'm tired, everything is hilarious. So when I saw her heft herself onto the bed, I had to muster every single ounce of self-control in my body to not erupt in a volcano of laughter. I manage to survive my laugh-attack, and I jump up on the bed. She's impressed that I didn't have to use the chair. I smile.

She turns on the TV, and flips through the channels. She flips past "Married...with Children." I get excited, and tell her to turn it back. Since she is actually a very nice person, she does so without a word of objection. I become entranced in watching it, since I hadn't watched TV in a while, and "Married..." is one of my favorite shows of all time. So, at this point I'm completely ignoring her in favor of watching Al and Peg Bundy. Shaniqua starts getting impatient. She tells me about how she got a scar on her thigh, and pulls down her pants a little to show me. "That's cool" I say, and go back to watching TV. She then tells me that her underwear match her pants, and pulls her pants down a little to show me. "That's cool" I say, and go back to watching TV. This was the last self-aware thought I had, because a few seconds after I said that, a shadow engulfed my entire being. She was tired of my bullshit, and decided to take matters into her own hands.

This chick literally pounced on me. Much of what happened afterwards is a blur, so I'll just tell you what I remember:
  1. While trying to "find her spot" I had no idea if I had actually entered, or if I was just humping two fat rolls. I'm not joking. I assumed the best.
  2. I still had my watch on, which had a Velcro band. At one point, my watch got got stuck to her hair. "You pullin' my weave, quit!" She had a god-damned weave. I did laugh a little when she said that.
  3. She thought it would be a good idea to move down to her chair/step stool. That poor chair. I actually heard it cry a few times. It never did anything to deserve that treatment.
  4. While taking a brief intermission, we were laying there. She was talking, but I was trying to force my body to heal the damage she had caused, so I wasn't really listening. However, when she said "I would make a good mother" all of my senses focused together to enhance my hearing. I almost had a heart attack. I basically said "In no way am I interested in having a child currently." She laughed, and claimed that she would be a good LOVER. Bullshit, I know what I heard. 
  5. Towards the end of my torture session, we were laying there again, with her at the edge closest to the majority of the room, and me behind her, facing the wall, trying to die. Suddenly her door opens. Her roommate is back. Shaniqua tosses blankets over us, but the smell of shameful sex was almost visible, so her roommate would have to be a medical vegetable to not know what was going on. They start talking, and I try to fall asleep so I could die painlessly. I hear my name, and pop my head up. Try to visualize this: A large girl laying on her side, and my head popping up out of nowhere. I was so well hidden behind girth that her roommate had no clue I was there.
  6. After the roommate left, I was asked if I thought the roommate was attractive. Since I am far beyond the realm of tired, in pain, and dehydrated, I opt for the honest answer. I tell her yes, her roommate is hot. She gets a little pissed, and faces away from me. I smile, and can finally die happy.
I was there for about nine hours, eight of those hours filled with "passion." Around 11am, I tell her I have to leave because I have to work at two (Lies. I didn't work until four). I get up and get dressed. She asked me if I needed gas money. It's ok, she said, because her family is rich and she has all kinds of money. I politely decline. Later I realize that I could have taken the money, thus meaning I would have gotten paid for sex. If only I were more alert at the time.

As I drive home, I become increasingly aware of exactly how tired I am. Having not slept very well before the prior days work, working about nine hours, then being punished for roughly nine hours, only managing to catch about 20 minutes of rest total, my body had decided that sleep was of the utmost importance. It didn't give a good god damn about the fact that I was driving down the highway. Naturally, I fall asleep behind the wheel, with the only thing preventing me from going into the ditch on the opposite side of the road being the rumble strip waking me up. I fell asleep a few times, each time waking up on the oncoming-traffic side of the road. Either God loves me, and didn't send vehicles sailing into me, or I was just very lucky and didn't encounter any other vehicles. I pull off to the side of the road, and take a nap for about an hour. I eventually get home, and my friends are in my room, waiting for me. Apparently I looked like I had gotten my ass kicked. Close enough. After I tell them, they laugh for about an hour, which pissed me off because I was trying to sleep. I kick them the hell out of my room, and get a couple of hours of sleep.

If anyone ever tells you that having sex for eight hours is awesome, you slap them in their lying mouth. So many parts of my body were dead. I have no idea how I functioned at work. It's been about six years since that night, and I haven't heard anything from her. In the back of my head there is always a sneaking suspicion that there might be a little Buck Nasty out there, just waiting for mommy to slam daddy with child support. So, in conclusion, stay the hell away from Yahoo chat rooms.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

My Battle with the Tripple Cheese Hot Dog

 Here is a tale of what happens when someone who is lactose-intolerant and doesn't agree much with beef/pork products eats something that has lots of both.

Earlier this year, my buddy Matt and I went to Kansas City to pick up Nancy from the air port. We get her, and offer to go to the mall. Since she's been sitting in an airplane all day, she accepts.

We get there, and mostly just wander around. Before we leave we decide to get something to eat, so we go to the mall cafeteria. I look around, examining my options, and notice that one stand is selling foot long hotdogs with three different cheeses on them. "Well, that just sounds DELICIOUS!" I think to myself. So I get it, and eat it quickly, as I am quite hungry. Matt and Nancy finish, and we head back home.

About 15 minutes later, I realize the error of my decision. I inform the car that stopping by a gas station would be a good idea for everyone involved. So we stop by the nearest Casey's and I casually meander to the bathroom. I set about doing my business, and a couple of minutes later, someone is pounding on the door. He sounds to be in quite a hurry. I tell him it'll be a few minutes, which just leads to him pounding harder, as if I couldn't hear him the first time. So I give in, and let him have the bathroom. "Sure, I'll be able to make it until we get home." Oh, how wrong I was.

After about another 20 minutes on the road, my bowels have reached Red Alert. I politely inform the car that if we don't pull over again soon, a horrible act of unholy vengeance will visit the interior. Luckily, we are pulling into Cameron. More luckilier, there is a hotel near. I ask if they wouldn't mind enjoying the scenery of the outside while I go and give birth to the Antichrist. They accept my offer.

I get inside the hotel, spot their lobby bathroom, and basically just explode. I won't give every single detail, but I will tell the after affects. By the time I was done, I was sweating from head to toe, my stomach was cramping, my mouth was watering for some reason (it did smell pretty tasty in there, I have to admit), my eyes were watering, and the tip of my penis hurt. That last part is what troubled me the most. It makes no sense to me. But I digress. After about 45 minutes of unbridled terror, I am able to walk away, feeling like an entirely new person. I've never had a religious experience, but if it's anything like that, I understood, at that moment, why people enjoy them. I exit the hotel while trying not to make eye contact with the clerk, enter the car, and enjoy the rest of the ride home.

The moral of my story is: If you know you can't handle certain food products, don't eat them before embarking on an hour plus car ride. Although, that triple cheese hot dog was so damn good. I can see myself making that mistake again.

Why I absolutely will not watch Priest

Later this year, a film will be released that I've waited a few years for. It's called "Priest," and it's based off of my absolute favorite manga (I know it's a manhwa or whatever, but I don't care) by the same name. When I first heard that it was being made into a movie, I actually may have shit myself. Allow me to explain Priest to you.

**SPOILER!! Heads up, I'm about to spoil the shit out of this thing, so skip ahead if you don't want to know what happens in the good version of Priest. If you just plan on watching the movie, read on, because it won't matter since the movie is going to be absolute balls. I'm going to try to summarize everything neatly and quickly, so I may forget a thing or two. Kiss my ass, I'm tired**

The manhwa version of Priest is a spaghetti-western story about religion and killing zombies and demons.The main character is Ivan Isaacs. He is a devout follower of God and is awesome at ancient religious lore and artifacts and whatnot. Ivan is also deeply in love with a young lady named Gena, but was always too shy to tell her. Isn't that adorable? Well, Ivan gets invited to go solve the puzzle of a religious relic that the Vatican has stumbled upon. Ivan goes, but feels sad because he loves Gena. He can't pass up this opportunity, and Gena said she'd wait for him to get back. So Ivan goes off to check this thing out.

Ok, now we go back in time. We get a glimpse at the angels in heaven, how they were Gods chosen and all that. Well, when God made man, some of the angels got all pissy, and corrupted some of them to show God just how weak man is, and that He should discard them because angles are more badass. God was all "You guys are dicks!" and gave'em the boot. The leader of these angels is Temorzarela. He didn't really appreciate being kicked out, since he's an angel and loves God more than anyone/thing else ever. Well, when the Crusades came around, Temorzarela corrupted one of the badest assed soldiers, and he became Temorzarelas host. He then went on a tirade, killing all sorts of shit, bringing his fallen angel buddies with him.

Tem runs across the best heretic judger in the land, Betheal. Tem fucks with his head a little, and makes Betheals kind of adopted son kill a girl to show Betheal just how powerful he is. Betheal loses his shit, and makes a pact with a devil, and decides he's going to take care of Temorzarela. So he creates a big ass tomb, and seals both himself and Tem inside using some type of magic. They lay dormant for a long ass time.

Back to Isaac. He goes to check out the relic, which turns out to be the tomb. He has a dream warning him not to open it, so he's kinda hesitant. The church dudes he's with have other plans. Since Isaac doesn't want to open it, they bring out something that might change his mind: GENA! Oh shit! Since they think that his mind is too clouded with thoughts of things that aren't God, they're going to take some of that away. So they just straight up murder her right in front of him. Ivan declares that he's had better days, and goes a little insane. He then opens up the tomb, releasing Temozorela and Betheal. Betheal is pissed, Tem is super excited. So excited he basically just pops one of the other church dudes like a bubble. Ivan a blathering mess of sadness and fucking anger, so he gives half of his soul up to Betheal, and becomes half-demon. Together, they vow to murder the balls off of Temorzarela and his homies. The rest of the story is Ivan being a bad ass, murdering zombies and fallen angel/demons in the wild west, and they have a side story about a town that's going to be taken over by the demon/angels and zombies, but the asshole author never finished the damn thing, so we don't know how it all ends, other than fucking amazingly.

**End Spoilers**

You can go and look up a more details plot analysis. It's a great damn story, with awesome artwork, and cool fight scenes.

Now, the fucking movie. Well, it's about vampires, for one. I don't know how closely you read my summarization up there, but I did not ever, ever, EVER mention lame ass vampires. I can't stand vampires. The only good vampire movie that exists is 30 Days of Night, and I don't know if they ever say that they're vampires or not. Vampire movies all blow. All of them. So, there's that. Also, I'm pretty sure it takes place in the future For the most part, the manhwa was in the Wild West, with a little Biblical times, and very, very briefly in the present. But, whatever. In the movie, Ivan (actually, I don't think they even call him Ivan. All the information I've seen just calls him Priest) is going after his kidnapped niece. I guess they decided that since they had probably the best damn love story of all time (what with all the zombie murdering, demon slaying, and giving half his soul to a demon so Ivan can avenge his beloved Gena), they might as well just toss that shit to the side and make it a kidnap story. I'm sure they'll have some bimbo show up for "Priest" to fall in love with for some damn reason. I hate when movies do that. Like in the Thor trailers. I know that bitch is going to be a love interest for Thor. Why? It has no fucking bearing on the plot. Idiots. Anyway, at least they got the fact that "Priest" has weapons, can use them very effectively, and believes in God right.

There's no damn way I can sit through that movie. Mostly for the sake of my friends, because I'm sure they don't really want to go to a theater to see that with me. I guarantee all I would do is bitch. The entire time. For weeks. Just like I did with the X-Men movie. I've only seen the first one all the way, and that was enough. But seriously. Priest is a badass story with demons, angels, religion, zombies, terrifying violence, and a sprinkle of love. Not some bullshit about lame ass vampires. Fucking idiots.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

In The Beginning...

Hello. My name is Dustin. And this is my soon-to-remain-unfamous blog. In this blog, I will just jot down whatever random thoughts might pop into my brain. For example:

I have some severe eyebrow dandruff. Sometimes when I am bored I'll just sit and scratch at my eyebrows and gaze in wonder at exactly how much I was able to dispense. I'll scratch at them, and the dandruff just will not stop falling. Therefor, I am convinced that I am a human snow factory. I actually used my eyebrow dandruff to gross out two girls in one of my high school English classes. I thought it was pretty damn funny.

 I am 27, and am currently in college. I don't mean that I've been in college for a while because I'm working on becoming a really good doctor. I just started earlier this year. I decided to give college a try one day when I was working as a janitor at a shitty hotel (I'll write about my experiences there later). As I was cleaning up a toilet stall that was covered in feces, I started reexamining my current life. I hoped I wasn't put on this planet to clean up toilets after drunken wedding parties. Also, my girlfriend told me that if I didn't at least try college, she would have her father kill me. So, after eight years of learning next to nothing, and forgetting just about everything I learned when not sleeping in high school, I decided to try my hand at college. At first, I was going to study to be a civil engineer, but after being utterly confused during my Basic Algebra class, I figured I'd check out some other options. So I landed on Journalism. Math is hard, and English is a little easier.

I play the bass guitar in, arguably, the best band in the crappy little town I live in. We've played live twice, and had a total of well over 10 people watch us. I'm surprised Virgin records hasn't kicked out door down to sign us. One of these days, we will be playing in dive bars all across the state! Only if dreams come true...

I might as well get the mushy-gushy shit out of the way: My girlfriend is pretty well awesome. We've been together for around a year and a half at this point, and she hasn't killed me yet, which is very commendable. We are a couple of nerd/dorks, her for anime, me for video games. I'll write more about her later probably. I'm pretty much out of shit to write for now.

So, yeah. This is the beginning of a blog that will help me more effectively avoid my homework. I hope that the three of you that will read any of this shit find some way to not hate it entirely.