Sunday, April 17, 2011

Cigarettes Bad! Alcohol Good! (Huh?)

Let me preface this by saying that I may be a little bias on this issue. I have been a smoker for roughly seven years now. I've tried to quit somewhere between eight and ten times, but it never works. Menthols are just too damn tasty, and my willpower is a bit weak sometimes. But, I have also been known to partake in a bit of booze from time to time. So this isn't a post about how I hate alcohol and people that drink it, or anything like that. Also, I did next to no research for this, so don't expect to see stats and "facts." So, why is smoking demonized in our society, while alcohol is glamorized?

Ok, so pretty much everyone knows that smoking is horrible for you. Lung cancer, throat cancer, probably ulcers, I'm sure you can get tumors and AIDS from smoking. Second hand smoke can, apparently, kill your babies, neighbors, co-workers, and friends. If you decide to smoke, you're pretty much saying you hate civilization and God. There is probably a good reason why we don't see tobacco ads in papers or on TV anymore. Probably because of all the people that "die" due to smoking. Well, not necessarily. My mother works at the local county health center, and she deals with death certificates. Apparently, when a person dies, if they have any history at all of smoking, then that is to be the cause of death. If a 97 year old woman dies, and she also happened to smoke, then smoking killed her. It surely wasn't the fact that she was 97 years old. Nope. Smoking clearly killed her. If someone dies, weighed 520 pounds, and smoked? Cigarettes, not the morbid obesity. A 33 year old man walking across the street, smoking a cigarette, hit by a semi? Smoking distracted him, and killed him with a semi. What I'm saying is that maybe, just maybe, those tobacco death stats are bullshit. Sure, smoking kills lots of people, but most likely not as many as we've been lead to believe.

I also don't really believe that second hand smoke is as murderous as they say. When I was a little dude, I had some horrible asthma. Regular breathing treatments at home and the hospital kind of bad. My mother smoked around me. You would think that if my lungs were already messed up with asthma, the second hand smoke would have surely killed me. Well, 20+ years later, I have become a smoker with very little problems with my lungs, besides whatever damage smoking has done to them, but that's neither here nor there. So, if you ask me, I think second hand smoke might have...improved my lungs? Maybe I had little sissy girl lungs at first, and once they got a shot of smokey-poison, they grew a pair of hairy nuts, and kicked asthma the hell out. I'm sure I'm wrong, but I do not care. Hell, my girlfriend hates smoke. When she goes over to my moms with me, where there is smoke flying around all over the place, she only really complains about the smell that latches on to her clothes, and that it bugs her eyes. She isn't bent over in pain, her lungs on fire due to the hellish second hand smoke. Nope, she's just irritated that she has to wear different clothes when she goes there. However, I'm sure second hand smoke is bad for sissy non-smokers. Just like dairy is bad for my sissy lactose-intolerant stomach. I don't demand that people make their food a certain way so I don't poop my brains out later. I eat/drink it, read a magazine in the bathroom, and go about my day.

Ok, now to booze. It has been declared by the medical community that drinking a glass of red wine every day is good for you. I can believe that. Quick question: How many people know someone, anyone at all, that drinks just one glass of red wine a day? Or have heard of someone that does? Even in the movies? I know all kinds of people that drink a few beers a day/night, or like to just booze it up until they can't remember anything anymore. I know someone that had to go to AA when he was in high school. I have an uncle who has somehow not died from years and years and years of rampant beer drinking every day. But anyone that just drinks one glass of wine? Nope. It is possible that I just don't know any "classy" people. With that I say "Fuck you, we have class falling out of our ass." And as far as the advertisements go, we are told to drink responsibly. Thinking about all the alcohol related traffic accidents, it doesn't really appear as though that message sinks in sometimes. You could always assign a designated driver, but that's just no fun. Being the DD for a group of friends sucks because, dammit, I want to drink, too.

I have heard some people say that they prefer the company of someone who is drinking rather than a smoker. Ok, let me toss a situation at you. You're sitting at home by yourself. It's nice and peaceful, you just cleaned everything up, it's the best your place has looked in years. You settle in to watch some high-quality sci-fi, when there's a knock at your door. You answer it, and there before you is someone who is so very clearly drunk (slurred speech, stumbling around, open liter of Jager in hand, loves everything) and someone who smells like they've been smoking the nastiest cigarettes all nightr, and even currently has a lit cigarette. If you had to pick only one of them to let inside your sparkling apartment, which would you pick? The very clearly drunk person, or the stinky smoker? If I were a betting man, I'd wager you would take the smoker. Why, you ask? It is very easy to deal with someone who smokes. Any smoker worth anything knows that sometimes you can't smoke inside, and when going over to someone's house, will ask permission before doing so. We all know how much it sucks to smoke out in the cold, but that's why we have heavy coats and hats (not gloves, they get in the way of smoking). And if you don't like the smell, well, give us some sort of spray, and we'll make ourselves stink good. It's also very easy to talk to a smoker, since we're calming down while we smoke, and it helps us think more clearly.

Someone hopped up on the booze, however, is a completely different story. First off, you have to be aware of what kind of person they are when they drink. Some are happy, some are sad, some are angry, some are stupid, etc. Unless you have prior experience with the person, it can be a rather unpleasant surprise when their drunk alter ego shows up. Ok, so you let the drunk guy in, and he's a happy drunk, so you lucked out. He stumbles in, knocks over some stuff of a table, spills his booze on your freshly cleaned carpet, admires your boobs if you happen to be a chick, calls you a gay if you happen to be a guy, throws up on your TV, and passes out. If he was a sad drunk, you'd have to deal with him crying and wanting all sorts of hugs. If he was an angry drunk then you probably got assaulted, and if he was a stupid drunk then he probably showed up at your door naked with an empty beer case on his head flirting with your bushes. Why are smokers the outcasts again?

Here's another scenario: What do you think when you're driving along in town, and you see someone smoking while they drive? Probably something like "Oh, he's smoking. I wonder what we're having for dinner tonight. I sure hope it's Hot Pockets!" When you see someone smoking while driving, I'm going to wager that most people don't give it any sort of second thought. Maybe if they had their windows rolled up, and had a kid in the car with them. Otherwise, it is of no real concern. Now let's say you're driving down the road, and see someone downing a fifth of Jack while driving. You would probably think something along the lines of "Oooohhhhhh fuck this!" and get the hell away from them as fast as possible, because you know there's going to be a wreck, and don't want to be involved with it. I don't think I've ever heard of any traffic accident cause by a smoker. I'm sure it's happened, but not with anywhere near the frequency of alcohol related accidents. But as long as they are drinking and driving responsibly, it's ok, right?

One final thing. The price of cigarettes is, indeed, ridiculous. A buddy of mine has said that where he lives, cartons are going for around $100 a shot. They raised the taxes on cigarettes a few years ago to help people decide to quit. However, the money that is gained from the cigarette tax hike goes towards health care for low-income families. So, they want you to quit so they raise the taxes, but they need that tax money to help poor families...? It's stupid shit like this that make me smoke.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Buck Reviews "My Best Friend's Girl"

A while back, I heard Dane Cook for the first time. I thought he was pretty funny in his own special way. Not the best comic I heard, but he made me chuckle. I do still enjoy his stand-up from time to time. When I heard he was going to start doing movies, I was curious. Usually, when an established comic goes into movies, they do fairly well. Richard Prior, Robin Williams, Rodney Dangerfield (if you want to consider his purposely-crappy movies good, which some do), and a few others I can't think of all have some decent movies. Bill Cosby, who is the best stand-up ever, had one of the best TV shows of all time. Which is why I was at least intrigued when I heard about Dane giving it a shot. Then I saw a few clips from Simon Sez, which was horrible. He was tolerable in Waiting, mostly because he was a bit character. Good Luck Chuck just sounded absolutely embarrassing, so I didn't even bother. I haven't seen the rest of his movies, but I don't think I have to. I'm sure he plays a super sexy/funny goof in all of them. If I'm wrong, I don't really care.

I can't really say why I decided to go and watch My Best Friend's Girl when it came out in the theater. The only logical conclusion I can make is that I wanted to see if he can do a good movie. If he can, this sure as hell isn't it. I hated it almost immediately, but since I paid almost $20 to see the damn thing, I stuck it out. Probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Easily the worst comedy I've seen, barely beating out Van Wilder (I'll probably do an entry on Ryan Renyolds at some point). Yesterday, I watched it again, and took notes so I can write about it here. So, without further ado, here is My Best Friend's Girl. Oh yeah, there's probably spoilers in here.

Dane Cook is Tank. Why is he called Tank? Because he gets hired by guys who get dumped by their girlfriends, gives them the worst night of their life, and the girl goes crying back to the guy they dumped. He "tanks" the date! Hilarity. Jason Biggs is Dustin, who is Tank's cousin/best friend. He's basically a fucking idiot, who has a "Bate Crate," which is a huge crate filled with porn, Dustin's most prized possession. Kate Hudson is Alexis, the girl that Dustin is going out with.

Movies starts with Tank going on a date with this chick. He's a dick the whole time, which is almost funny. She hates him, and calls her boyfriend wanting to get back together. Boyfriend is sitting in a bar with Tank, and hands him a wad of bills. Tank leaves, but gets stopped by the boyfriend, who is with another chick! Oh my goodness. Tank dissaproves. Character development! Tank gets home, where he and Dustin talk (they're roommates). Dustin says he loves his girlfriend Alexis, and is going to tell her. Tank says don't do it. Dustin is going to anyway.

So Dustin and Alexis go on a date, where Dustin is basically just an idiot, which will turn out to be his defining characteristic, next to him being a porn-a-holic. Dustin tells her that he loves her, and she freaks out. They've only been going out five weeks! Oh Dustin, you simpleton! She leaves him hanging. Dustin goes home, complains about the date, and asks Tank to work his magic with her. Tank says no, because he don't do family. Dustin says ok, takes his porn box, and enjoys the rest of his night. The next day, Dustin sees Alexis flirting with some guy at work. He flips out, calls Tank, and tells him to do it. The roller coaster of bullshit begins.

Tank starts off by meeting Alexis in the park while she's running. He trips and falls, gaining her sympathy and her number. They're going on a date. However, the night of the date, Alexis gets shit-hammered. While out, Tank tries all of his moves, but she's too drunk to be phased. At the end, she calls her roommate to talk about him, and she tells Alexis to hump him. Alexis throws the offer at Tank, who declines. Why? Because it turns out he has feelings for her! Plot development! Meanwhile, Tanks antics work, as Alexis calls Dustin, and they agree to have dinner the next day. During that dinner, Dustin is an idiot, and Alexis thinks they should take some time apart, because she basically never gets to have any fun. He says ok. He then goes behind Tanks back to set them up on a date! Oh no! Tank doesn't want to, because he's trying to keep Dustin's best interest at heart. But he does it anyway.

Now we get to see what Tank does for a living. Apparently he works at some sort of tech-help call center, where he plays old Nintendo games, because he is so retro. Also, I guess he gives seminars? In any case, he gives a speech to a group about how to deal with customers. He tells his assistant (?) to give him a real angry caller, which he will put on speaker phone for the group to hear. It's Alexis on the phone! But he doesn't know, so she yells at him about the horrible date, but never actually mentions that it was a date, so Tank is hilariously oblivious, until the end, when she mocks him for giving up a shot at free sex. Ohhhhhhh the hilarity. Tank goes to her apartment, and they argue, which, naturally, leads to them boning. Duh.

Tank and Dustin have a talk, where Tank tries to tell him to just let her go. Dustin doesn't want to, but he's decided that it's ok if they are total BFFs. So, now we see Dustin doing all sorts of kooky, hilariously nice things for Alexis. However, since Tank is such a nice guy and a totally good friend to Dusty, he bangs the ever loving shit out of Alexis while Dustin is treating her to presents and food. What a good friend and cousin Tank is. Eventually, Tank decides he's going to help Dusty get himself some poon, so they go to a barber to get him all spruced up. Dustin wants the girl cutting his hair to trim his uni-brow (hahah), when Tank says something which suprises him. He turns his head suddenly, and the girl shaves off his eye brow! AHAHEHAHEHAH To try to even it out, they have Dustin shave off the other one! Ha-ha-larious! The laughs just never stop. Because they'd have to start first. Now Dustin goes on a date, and has painted on eye brows. The girl he's taking out is a mother, and when he sees her, she's breast feeding her baby. Dustin, trying to be super smooth, look at her and says, "I'll have what he's having." Get it?! He wants to suck on her boob! EAHEAHEHAEHAEHAAA! God, I fucking hate this movie.

So, now that the date is ruined, Dustin runs to Alexis' apartment. The roommate tells him it's a bad time because she's with someone. He goes to go up to her room, when... ... ... ALEXIS COMES RIDING PIGGY BACK ON TANK DOWN THE STAIRS! Oh shit! Of course, Dustin is a little pissed, since he didn't know she was with Tank. They both go to leave through the front door at the same time, and they get stuck for a second because the doorway isn't big enough for two people! Oh, the chuckles flow freely even during a dramatic moment! Dustin tells Tank he is to get the hell out of his apartment by the morning. What a dick! So, Tank lives in his car, because that asshole Dustin over-reacted when he found out he was humping the girl he very openly has feelings for. Some people, am I right?

Now we meet Tank's dad, played by Alec Baldwin. He gives seminars to women about being empowered or whatever. But, wait a minute, he's a womanizing dickwad, just like Tank! Double the laughs! That's really all you need to know about Tank's dad. Oh, he also has a young, smoking babe of an ass-istant that he humps. This movie has something for every body!

The rest of the movie just dissolves into a whirlwind of bullshit. Tank takes Alexis to a high school prom, which is odd, since they both appear to be in their mid-30s. I guess you can do that when you're TANK. Alexis decides to call Dustin, only because she wanted him to help her pick out a dress for her sisters wedding. Instead of inviting him, she invites Tank. PLOT TWIST! Remember the guy from the beginning of the movie? That had Tank give the chick a horrible date, and then the boyfriend left with another chick? He's marrying Alexis' sister! OH NO! He threatens to expose Tank if Tank exposes him. D-R-A-M-A. Tank does not approve. Meanwhile, off in the distance, a storm is brewing. Alexis' sister is the one that Tank went on the date with! She tells Alexis all about it, but it's ok, because Alexis loves Tank. Awww. Tank over hears this, and has a moment of reflection in the bathroom, where he decides that it's in her best interest if she is not with him.

It is at this point that the only almost funny parts of the movie kick in. If you've seen the trailer, it highlights this part. Tank basically goes around and just acts a complete fool all over this wedding, insulting a priest and a rabbi, interrupting the married couples dance just to throw up on the dance floor, drops some old lady while helping hoist her up in a chair, and shows Alexis' mom his wiener. Sadly, it took the movie almost an hour and 20 minutes to almost make me smirk. Eventually Dustin shows up to crash the wedding, and tells everyone all about Tank. This is when Alexis learns that Tank goes out with chicks just to make their boyfriends look good. What's gonna happen next in this tornado of emotions?

Now, at the end of the movie, Tank, his dad, and Dustin are sitting on top of some building having drinks, which makes no sense, because Dustin hates Tank, unless I didn't pay attention for a few minutes and they made up. Anyway, Dustin now gives Tank full permission to go after Alexis (???), but Tank doesn't know if he should. Three months later, Tank is having dinner with some chick. Alexis walks in, splashes wine in his face, they get into a huge fight, and, of course, they wind up basically humping right in the middle of the restaurant. Aww, I knew those two crazy kids were gonna make it!

I hear you saying, "But what happened to Dustin?" Let me tell you. He is hanging out with Tank's dad at a bar, who is apparently giving him dating advice. So, he goes up to a chick to talk to her. Which chick? Alexis' roommate! They go back to a bedroom. Alexis' roommate warns him that she's not normal. "Why's that" he asks. She produces a back pack, and dumps about 50 economy sized dildos on the bed. How does Dustin respond? Why, by dumping his 'Bate Crate on the bed! The perfect couple! The Porn Czar and the Dildo Queen! Happy ending all across the board!

I've seen some just bad movies in my day. I've sat through Queen of the Damned, Van Wilder, Death Proof, Rock Horror Picture Show, etc. This one was just on another level. And the fact that it made $40 million worldwide just makes me sad. What this movie is saying is that if you're good looking, you can be a complete and utter dick to a girl, and she'll still like you. If I'm wrong, I really want someone to correct me, because that is all I got from that movie. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a Dog-Turd-Covered-In-Cat-Vomit. Horrible acting, story is an abomination, you have to see Dane Cook's bare ass, and it's just a huge nail in the coffin of Alec Baldwin's career.