Buck Presents: Tales from the Hotel: The Orgy Room

I have spent about two and a half years working in the hotel business. I spent four months as a front desk clerk, two years as a janitor/bed maker/maintenance man, and have recently began a job as a house keeper. In my time working in the hotel business, my eyes have been opened to a whole world I never knew existed. I knew that people can be absolutely disgusting. I've seen things in the four-ish years as a janitor to know that when people leave their homes, they do not give half a shit around being clean and tidy. However, when I started helping the house keepers by making the beds in their rooms, I was impressed by the condition people leave their rooms in. One of my favorite rooms that I, thankfully, did not have to help with, was the Orgy Room.

I go in to work one Sunday, already knowing that the day will suck. Sundays used to be the busy days at that point, and after I finished with my janitor duties, I would help the house keepers by making their beds, which could take four or five extra hours some days. This day was no different. I finish my janitor crap, and begin making beds. An hour or so later, one of the keepers yelled for me. She told me that I "have to see this room." Immediately I am excited. Every time I am told that I must see something, I am filled with a sense of joy. I bound down the hall to the room she was in, enter the room, and am stopped dead in my tracks.

I have heard that from time to time, sex parties get thrown, even in the crappy little town I live in. I have never seen the aftermath of one, so when I stepped into this room, I was stunned. As I scanned the room, this is what I saw:

•  Empty boxes and wrappers of condoms just laying about
• Obviously used condoms, both in the trash cans, and on the floor
• An empty box of KY Jelly
• An empty box of Astro-Glide
• One condom that had a red coloration that I could tell was not originally on the condom
• One little plastic cup that appeared to be filled with semen

 After taking in my surroundings, the house keeper told me that I was going to help her with this room. I have to say, I hadn't laughed so hard in a good long while. For some reason, she did not find it as funny as I did. This tale ends with me not helping her with that room, and her being pissed.

Kids, if you are going to have a little sex party, and decide to have it in a hotel, please take care of your trash. While it is funny to think about leaving your "used paraphernalia" for someone else to deal with, it's just not nice. Or your could leave a nice tip for the house keeper. That might make it better.

Buck Reviews "Deadly Premonition," One of the Best Worst Games Ever

Last year, I bought "Alan Wake," which is a fantastic survival/horror game. After beating it, I read up on it a little, and read that it was based off of an early 90's TV series, Twin Peaks. I then looked into Twin Peaks, and discovered that another game was made last year that was also based off of it, named Deadly Premonition. So I looked that game up, and was surprised at the reviews it got. They basically ranged from a 2 out of 10 to a 10 out of 10, depending on who was reviewing it. Naturally, I was intrigued. Lucky for me, a friend of mine bought the game, mostly because he found it for only $15, and it has easy achievements. After managing to ruin his copy in a freak stepping-on-a-cord-making-my-X-Box-fall-while-loading-causing-a-huge-scratch accident, I rented it so I could finally play this beast. Finally, after around 20 hours of playing it, I beat it, and now I shall tell you all about it.

GRAPHICS: If you have ever played the first, maybe even the second Resident Evil game, then you have a grasp of the graphics. For a game that came out in 2010, you would really think that it could have something at least on the level of an original X-Box game. It looks like a last gen PS1/early PS2 game. Granted, it was originally supposed to come out in 2007, but still. There are plenty of graphical hiccups, such as people just kinda moving through sections of walls,and the background just kind of popping up out of nowhere. The animations of characters are also painful to watch. Everyone moves as though they were in a box. Just about every character only has two, maybe three facial expressions at most. Repetitive animations. If you were to just watch the game, it would be a chore to sit through. Bottom line: The graphics are crap.

SOUND: The sound of this game is amazingly awful. I loved it. The game has three or four main songs it plays throughout, sometimes seemingly at random. Sometimes it can turn a serious moment into a hilarious one, simply because the music does not at all reflect what is happening. Anytime I heard what I call "The Whistle Song," I just could not help but whistle along. I'm sure I missed a few important plot points simply because I was getting into that damn song. The voice acting is also pretty good...for the most part. Sometimes they seem to phone in a line, but who cares? There is also hours and hours of extra dialogue they included, from your character talking to himself as he drives to pass the time, to the exchanges between you and the town folk. I also love how they just re-use every sound effect. Every door in the game, including prison cell doors and giant metal gates, sound like an old, rickety closet door. There's also only two walking sounds. It was always sound like you're either walking on a tile floor in high heels, or walking through some high grass. When it comes to the sound, it is basically awesome, as long as you don't mind repetition.

GAMEPLAY: Probably the worst aspect of the game. Walking around is a pain in the ass. It is best to pay attention to your surroundings, because if you don't, you will walk into some chair, and spend about 30 seconds trying to maneuver away from it. The driving is awful. Any vehicle you get into feels either like you're driving a soaped-up stick of butter, or a giant stone block. Also, when the camera changes while you're moving, the controls get all screwy, because pressing "Up" is always the move forward button, which screws you up when you're moving toward the screen, or across it horizontally. You also have to be lined up perfectly to interact with most objects. Combat...dear god. The combat will make you want to break your controller. Since they did not include an option to adjust the sensitivity while aiming a gun, you have to deal with their fucked up aiming scheme. It's usually not that big of a deal once you get used to it, but later when you have to be precise, it will make you cry. Melee weapons have a very limited durability, so I wouldn't even bother with them except when breaking boxes and wooden fences. Also, either the map sucks, or that town was laid out by an asshole. Everything is set way too far apart. However, with all that said, I will say that DP is very innovative in one aspect. It is a sandbox type game, where you can run around and do stuff other than the story mode. The cool part about that is the other characters are not always where they should be. They drive around town, go to the store, get gas, all sorts of stuff. So if you're looking for a character to do their side quest, you are most likely going to have to track them down. If they're driving, you can't just ram them off the road. You have to follow them until they stop and then talk to them. You also have to make sure you get sleep and eat, otherwise you start bitching and moaning. At least I think you do. I never really had an issue with food or sleep, since food is laying around everywhere, and there's plenty of places to sleep. Over all, the controls are shit, combat is shit, driving is shit, but it does bring a little something new to the whole sand box aspect.

CHARACTERS: The characters are either the second best part of this game, or tied for first. You play as FBI Agent Francis York Morgan, a man who gets tips from his coffee, speaks to his invisible friend Zack, and is kind of an asshole, but not really on purpose. What I love is how every single character you meet has their own personal back story. All of them. Each character is unique. I really wish I could go into detail on them, but I can't, because almost all of them are important to the main plot, and I don't want to spoil anything about this game. You will either love, hate, or be amused by everyone you meet in that little town. There is some incredible character development that happens as the game goes on. Just trust me, the characters in this game almost make the game worth buying in and of themselves.

PLOT/STORY: I would like to go on record and say that the main story to Deadly Premonition is fucking incredible. Remember earlier when I said that this game is inspired by Twin Peaks? Well, if you've seen that show, then you already have a basic idea of what this game is like. It's a murder mystery, who-done-it, with so damn many plot twists, you never really know what is going on. Most of the fun is just trying to figure out what might happen next. Basically, Agent Morgan arrives at a small town to investigate the murder of a teenage girl, and as you go about solving the case, everything gets bat-shit crazy. Just when you think you have it figured out, it turns out that you were completely wrong. Or maybe I'm just not a good detective. Either way, when the climax came, I was all "Holy shit, why didn't I notice that?!" Trying to figure out the mystery, along with learning how the rest of the town folk tie into it, is just incredible. I don't think I've played a game with anything close to it before, and unless they release a Deadly Premonition 2, I probably won't for a very long time. If I were to rate the story, I've give it a big !! out of 10.

So, in conclusion, if you don't care too much about how pretty a game is, and how horrible the controls are, and the repetition of the sound score, and how tragic the combat system is, then I suggest you go and buy the crap out of this game. Most places sell it for less than $20. For that small price, you get a game that has some of the best character development, some of the funniest moments, and one of the best stories I've experienced in any game so far, and in most movies. Granted, it's basically Twin Peaks: The Game, but that show is incredible, so don't bitch about it. The fact that people who love Halo and Gears of War and all that simply hate this game just lets you know that some people have no idea what to do with a truly original game. Deadly Premonition is an incredible train wreck, and I loved every single minute of it.

If you're still not sure about this game, just watch these clips. They'll give you a small glimpse of the characters, and also The Whistle Song. You're welcome.

http://youtu.be/ZgZSxoUsaCc

http://youtu.be/rp5krDoflLI

Cigarettes Bad! Alcohol Good! (Huh?)

Let me preface this by saying that I may be a little bias on this issue. I have been a smoker for roughly seven years now. I've tried to quit somewhere between eight and ten times, but it never works. Menthols are just too damn tasty, and my willpower is a bit weak sometimes. But, I have also been known to partake in a bit of booze from time to time. So this isn't a post about how I hate alcohol and people that drink it, or anything like that. Also, I did next to no research for this, so don't expect to see stats and "facts." So, why is smoking demonized in our society, while alcohol is glamorized?

Ok, so pretty much everyone knows that smoking is horrible for you. Lung cancer, throat cancer, probably ulcers, I'm sure you can get tumors and AIDS from smoking. Second hand smoke can, apparently, kill your babies, neighbors, co-workers, and friends. If you decide to smoke, you're pretty much saying you hate civilization and God. There is probably a good reason why we don't see tobacco ads in papers or on TV anymore. Probably because of all the people that "die" due to smoking. Well, not necessarily. My mother works at the local county health center, and she deals with death certificates. Apparently, when a person dies, if they have any history at all of smoking, then that is to be the cause of death. If a 97 year old woman dies, and she also happened to smoke, then smoking killed her. It surely wasn't the fact that she was 97 years old. Nope. Smoking clearly killed her. If someone dies, weighed 520 pounds, and smoked? Cigarettes, not the morbid obesity. A 33 year old man walking across the street, smoking a cigarette, hit by a semi? Smoking distracted him, and killed him with a semi. What I'm saying is that maybe, just maybe, those tobacco death stats are bullshit. Sure, smoking kills lots of people, but most likely not as many as we've been lead to believe.

I also don't really believe that second hand smoke is as murderous as they say. When I was a little dude, I had some horrible asthma. Regular breathing treatments at home and the hospital kind of bad. My mother smoked around me. You would think that if my lungs were already messed up with asthma, the second hand smoke would have surely killed me. Well, 20+ years later, I have become a smoker with very little problems with my lungs, besides whatever damage smoking has done to them, but that's neither here nor there. So, if you ask me, I think second hand smoke might have...improved my lungs? Maybe I had little sissy girl lungs at first, and once they got a shot of smokey-poison, they grew a pair of hairy nuts, and kicked asthma the hell out. I'm sure I'm wrong, but I do not care. Hell, my girlfriend hates smoke. When she goes over to my moms with me, where there is smoke flying around all over the place, she only really complains about the smell that latches on to her clothes, and that it bugs her eyes. She isn't bent over in pain, her lungs on fire due to the hellish second hand smoke. Nope, she's just irritated that she has to wear different clothes when she goes there. However, I'm sure second hand smoke is bad for sissy non-smokers. Just like dairy is bad for my sissy lactose-intolerant stomach. I don't demand that people make their food a certain way so I don't poop my brains out later. I eat/drink it, read a magazine in the bathroom, and go about my day.

Ok, now to booze. It has been declared by the medical community that drinking a glass of red wine every day is good for you. I can believe that. Quick question: How many people know someone, anyone at all, that drinks just one glass of red wine a day? Or have heard of someone that does? Even in the movies? I know all kinds of people that drink a few beers a day/night, or like to just booze it up until they can't remember anything anymore. I know someone that had to go to AA when he was in high school. I have an uncle who has somehow not died from years and years and years of rampant beer drinking every day. But anyone that just drinks one glass of wine? Nope. It is possible that I just don't know any "classy" people. With that I say "Fuck you, we have class falling out of our ass." And as far as the advertisements go, we are told to drink responsibly. Thinking about all the alcohol related traffic accidents, it doesn't really appear as though that message sinks in sometimes. You could always assign a designated driver, but that's just no fun. Being the DD for a group of friends sucks because, dammit, I want to drink, too.

I have heard some people say that they prefer the company of someone who is drinking rather than a smoker. Ok, let me toss a situation at you. You're sitting at home by yourself. It's nice and peaceful, you just cleaned everything up, it's the best your place has looked in years. You settle in to watch some high-quality sci-fi, when there's a knock at your door. You answer it, and there before you is someone who is so very clearly drunk (slurred speech, stumbling around, open liter of Jager in hand, loves everything) and someone who smells like they've been smoking the nastiest cigarettes all nightr, and even currently has a lit cigarette. If you had to pick only one of them to let inside your sparkling apartment, which would you pick? The very clearly drunk person, or the stinky smoker? If I were a betting man, I'd wager you would take the smoker. Why, you ask? It is very easy to deal with someone who smokes. Any smoker worth anything knows that sometimes you can't smoke inside, and when going over to someone's house, will ask permission before doing so. We all know how much it sucks to smoke out in the cold, but that's why we have heavy coats and hats (not gloves, they get in the way of smoking). And if you don't like the smell, well, give us some sort of spray, and we'll make ourselves stink good. It's also very easy to talk to a smoker, since we're calming down while we smoke, and it helps us think more clearly.

Someone hopped up on the booze, however, is a completely different story. First off, you have to be aware of what kind of person they are when they drink. Some are happy, some are sad, some are angry, some are stupid, etc. Unless you have prior experience with the person, it can be a rather unpleasant surprise when their drunk alter ego shows up. Ok, so you let the drunk guy in, and he's a happy drunk, so you lucked out. He stumbles in, knocks over some stuff of a table, spills his booze on your freshly cleaned carpet, admires your boobs if you happen to be a chick, calls you a gay if you happen to be a guy, throws up on your TV, and passes out. If he was a sad drunk, you'd have to deal with him crying and wanting all sorts of hugs. If he was an angry drunk then you probably got assaulted, and if he was a stupid drunk then he probably showed up at your door naked with an empty beer case on his head flirting with your bushes. Why are smokers the outcasts again?

Here's another scenario: What do you think when you're driving along in town, and you see someone smoking while they drive? Probably something like "Oh, he's smoking. I wonder what we're having for dinner tonight. I sure hope it's Hot Pockets!" When you see someone smoking while driving, I'm going to wager that most people don't give it any sort of second thought. Maybe if they had their windows rolled up, and had a kid in the car with them. Otherwise, it is of no real concern. Now let's say you're driving down the road, and see someone downing a fifth of Jack while driving. You would probably think something along the lines of "Oooohhhhhh fuck this!" and get the hell away from them as fast as possible, because you know there's going to be a wreck, and don't want to be involved with it. I don't think I've ever heard of any traffic accident cause by a smoker. I'm sure it's happened, but not with anywhere near the frequency of alcohol related accidents. But as long as they are drinking and driving responsibly, it's ok, right?

One final thing. The price of cigarettes is, indeed, ridiculous. A buddy of mine has said that where he lives, cartons are going for around $100 a shot. They raised the taxes on cigarettes a few years ago to help people decide to quit. However, the money that is gained from the cigarette tax hike goes towards health care for low-income families. So, they want you to quit so they raise the taxes, but they need that tax money to help poor families...? It's stupid shit like this that make me smoke.