As a continuation of my previous post, here are a couple of tales from my time as a front desk clerk. These stories wouldn't make much of an article individually, so I slammed three of them together. Enjoy my suffering.
Old Lady vs Parking Lot
I'm working the front desk at the hotel one night, when an old lady comes in. She wants a room for the night. I give her one. She asks where she can park, and I instruct her to drive around to the other side of the building to the very clearly visible and large parking lot that has other cars parked within it. She takes her key, goes back to her car, and she begins to drive off. I watch as she pulls back onto the road and takes off towards the highway. I assume that she is going to take care of whatever other business she has, and think nothing else of it.
About five minutes later she drives back to the front of the hotel. As she walks towards me, I can tell she is a little irritated. She asks me where the parking lot is again, and again I tell her it's on the other side of the building, complete with me pointing the direction for her to go. She accepts the answer, and goes back to her car. This time I watch her, and she gets back on the road and heads towards the highway again. I am befuddled. Roughly five minutes later she comes back, angry at me because I keep giving her wrong directions to the parking lot. Now, I'm not much of a people person, especially when it comes to dumb people. When she got huffy and puffy with me over my directions, it took every ounce of my being to not yell back and/or laugh. Since this old lady is clearly missing some important parts in her brain, I very calmly and slowly explain to her that if she drives forward, stays off of the road, and just drive right along side the building, she will find the parking lot quite easily. She was still pissed as she left, and actually found the parking lot this time.
Naturally, the next day I came in and discovered that she filed a complaint against me to the manager, so I got wrote up. Dumb ass old broad.
Grandma and Grandpa Want Some Alone Time
Sitting around behind the front desk again, and an old couple and what I assumed where their grand kids come in. They get a single room with two beds, and take off (they managed to find the parking lot). A little while later the old guy comes down and asks if we have any kind of divider he can rent. I'm sure I looked at him a little funny, since no one had ever asked if we had something like that. He goes on to explain that he and his wife, direct quote, "want some alone time." I stare at him for a few seconds, and then ask, "What?" He repeats himself. Grandma and Grandpa wanna hump, but don't want to kids to see it. I tell him that I would see if I can find anything for him, but I didn't think we had anything. I tell him I'd give his room a call, and he heads back to his room. I didn't even bother to look, so I called and gave him the negative.
He comes back down about an hour later. Apparently he and his wife really want to get some nasty, so he asks if it is possible to get another room. I tell him yes, and gave him the price of another room. He doesn't like the thought of paying for two rooms, and asks if they could just split the cost of one room over both rooms. Basically, he wanted a free room for the kids to roam around in while they slap their genitals together. Again, I look at him confused, and tell him that there is no way I can do that, and I would probably get fired if I did. I make the offer of a second room again, but he doesn't have enough money for it, so he just sadly walked back to his room.
I felt kind of bad for him. Old man just wanted to get him some, but there wasn't anything I could do unless he was willing to pay.
The Day I Almost Beat Two Guys with a Club
Towards the end of my tenure at the hotel as a front desk clerk, these two road workers came in. I'll call them Frank and Dan. From day one, they were a constant pain in my ass. They didn't like the weekly rate we gave them, which was about $20 a night under the regular price. They demanded to see the list of our taxes, which I refused to show them, mostly because I didn't think we even had such a list. If they didn't have the same room from week to week, they were pissed. They didn't understand the pre-authorization process (basically, a pre-auth makes sure you have enough money on your credit/debit card to cover the room and any other charges), and that pissed them off. For about a full month, every week day they would come down to bitch at me for one reason or another, and every time I would have to explain to them that I couldn't do anything because all the management went home at 5pm, so I was the only person there and they would have to wait until the morning to talk to anyone in charge. They never understood that very complicated idea, so we argued every day.
The day I almost snapped on them was a day from hell. I came in to work, and was told that we had a very large bus tour coming in and would be giving the hotel a large sum of money, so they took priority over the other guests. So all the road/construction/railroad workers that were used to getting their way would be pissed, and guess who would have to deal with them. Lucky me. After about four or five hours of dealing with large, pissed off workers complaining about not getting the same rooms they usually got, Dan shows up. He is talking on his cell phone as he goes to check in. He and Frank usually get a smoking room, but because of the tour they didn't get one, though we were able to put them on the bottom floor, which has a door to the outside so they can still smoke. As he is filling out the paper work, I point out to him that we had to move them to a different room, which he was ok with. I also informed him that it was a non-smoking room, and pointed out our Non-Smoking Policy (if they smoke in the room, we WILL charge them $250, since it is a non-smoking room). I point out the highlighted $250 on the paperwork, and make him sign it, which means he understands the non-smoking portion. He signs it, gets his key, and goes to his room.
Frank shows up about 20 minutes later. He is not talking on the phone, so I have his undivided attention. I inform him that they are in a different room, that it is a non-smoking room, that he has to sign the Non-Smoking agreement, all of that. He fills the paper out, signs his name at the bottom, takes his key, and goes to the room. Low and behold, about 15 minutes later here they come, and they look PISSED. They bitch about not having the same room they usually do. I inform them that I told them both about the room change, and they both said that it was fine. Dan said he was on his phone, so I should have made it more clear. I agree with him, but point out that Frank was not incumbered in any way, and he was fine with it. Then they get into the non-smoking thing. They bitch and bitch and moan and complain, they reserved a smoking room, smokers have rights too, etc etc. I wait for them to stop, calmly take out their individual paper work, and point out that they both signed the non-smoking clause and said they understood it. Dan said he was on his phone, yadda yadda. I ask if he always signs things without understand what he's signing for, and then point out that I had Frank's complete attention, so if he wanted to complain, he should have done so before he signed it. They continue to yell at me, and I just sit back in my chair, and tell them that if they want to do anything about it, they will have to do so in the morning when management is there. They huff and puff their way back to their room.
About an hour later they come back down. They are both smoking as they walk into the lobby. Our lobby is a non-smoking lobby. They come to tell me that they can smoke wherever they want. They give the hotel almost $400 a week, and that gives them the right to do whatever they want. I tell them that for the same price, they can rent out an apartment for an entire month. Frank blows smoke in my face. I'm a smoker, so it didn't bother me too much, but it did strike me as very disrespectful. I inform them that our lobby is non-smoking, to which they laugh. I then tell them that if they don't leave the lobby, I can have them removed from the hotel, I would charge them $250 a piece for smoking in the lobby, and I would charge them the regular, full price for their room. They said I didn't have the power to do that, which is true. So I called the general manager, informed him of what was going on, and he gave me the go-ahead. I handed the phone to Dan so he could hear it straight from the boss man's mouth. Dan tried to pull some shit, but boss man wasn't having any of it, and told Dan that either they could smoke outside, or stay at another hotel. Dan hangs the phone up, and he and Frank continue to bitch. While this is happening, I just keep thinking about a "key ring" we have that has all the master keys and maintenance keys on it. When I say "ring," I actually mean a solid, wooden club that's about a foot and a half long, and about an inch thick. All I really wanted to do was take the club, and smash them in the face with it. Since I didn't want to go to jail for murder, I instead sat back down in my chair, and told them that if they want to keep bitching, they will have to do so in the morning. They get all red-faced, and head back to their room.
Later that night, I wrote my resignation, telling management that if I didn't quit, I was going to assault them with the club, and probably bring a lawsuit upon the hotel. They appreciated my honesty, and let me resign.
Two weeks after I quit, Frank and Dan fucking left, and never came back.
So, in conclusion, if you ever stay at a hotel, please be nice to the front desk clerks. You never know if they have a solid, blunt object at the ready.
Showing posts with label bullshit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bullshit. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Buck Reviews "My Best Friend's Girl"
A while back, I heard Dane Cook for the first time. I thought he was pretty funny in his own special way. Not the best comic I heard, but he made me chuckle. I do still enjoy his stand-up from time to time. When I heard he was going to start doing movies, I was curious. Usually, when an established comic goes into movies, they do fairly well. Richard Prior, Robin Williams, Rodney Dangerfield (if you want to consider his purposely-crappy movies good, which some do), and a few others I can't think of all have some decent movies. Bill Cosby, who is the best stand-up ever, had one of the best TV shows of all time. Which is why I was at least intrigued when I heard about Dane giving it a shot. Then I saw a few clips from Simon Sez, which was horrible. He was tolerable in Waiting, mostly because he was a bit character. Good Luck Chuck just sounded absolutely embarrassing, so I didn't even bother. I haven't seen the rest of his movies, but I don't think I have to. I'm sure he plays a super sexy/funny goof in all of them. If I'm wrong, I don't really care.
I can't really say why I decided to go and watch My Best Friend's Girl when it came out in the theater. The only logical conclusion I can make is that I wanted to see if he can do a good movie. If he can, this sure as hell isn't it. I hated it almost immediately, but since I paid almost $20 to see the damn thing, I stuck it out. Probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Easily the worst comedy I've seen, barely beating out Van Wilder (I'll probably do an entry on Ryan Renyolds at some point). Yesterday, I watched it again, and took notes so I can write about it here. So, without further ado, here is My Best Friend's Girl. Oh yeah, there's probably spoilers in here.
Dane Cook is Tank. Why is he called Tank? Because he gets hired by guys who get dumped by their girlfriends, gives them the worst night of their life, and the girl goes crying back to the guy they dumped. He "tanks" the date! Hilarity. Jason Biggs is Dustin, who is Tank's cousin/best friend. He's basically a fucking idiot, who has a "Bate Crate," which is a huge crate filled with porn, Dustin's most prized possession. Kate Hudson is Alexis, the girl that Dustin is going out with.
Movies starts with Tank going on a date with this chick. He's a dick the whole time, which is almost funny. She hates him, and calls her boyfriend wanting to get back together. Boyfriend is sitting in a bar with Tank, and hands him a wad of bills. Tank leaves, but gets stopped by the boyfriend, who is with another chick! Oh my goodness. Tank dissaproves. Character development! Tank gets home, where he and Dustin talk (they're roommates). Dustin says he loves his girlfriend Alexis, and is going to tell her. Tank says don't do it. Dustin is going to anyway.
So Dustin and Alexis go on a date, where Dustin is basically just an idiot, which will turn out to be his defining characteristic, next to him being a porn-a-holic. Dustin tells her that he loves her, and she freaks out. They've only been going out five weeks! Oh Dustin, you simpleton! She leaves him hanging. Dustin goes home, complains about the date, and asks Tank to work his magic with her. Tank says no, because he don't do family. Dustin says ok, takes his porn box, and enjoys the rest of his night. The next day, Dustin sees Alexis flirting with some guy at work. He flips out, calls Tank, and tells him to do it. The roller coaster of bullshit begins.
Tank starts off by meeting Alexis in the park while she's running. He trips and falls, gaining her sympathy and her number. They're going on a date. However, the night of the date, Alexis gets shit-hammered. While out, Tank tries all of his moves, but she's too drunk to be phased. At the end, she calls her roommate to talk about him, and she tells Alexis to hump him. Alexis throws the offer at Tank, who declines. Why? Because it turns out he has feelings for her! Plot development! Meanwhile, Tanks antics work, as Alexis calls Dustin, and they agree to have dinner the next day. During that dinner, Dustin is an idiot, and Alexis thinks they should take some time apart, because she basically never gets to have any fun. He says ok. He then goes behind Tanks back to set them up on a date! Oh no! Tank doesn't want to, because he's trying to keep Dustin's best interest at heart. But he does it anyway.
Now we get to see what Tank does for a living. Apparently he works at some sort of tech-help call center, where he plays old Nintendo games, because he is so retro. Also, I guess he gives seminars? In any case, he gives a speech to a group about how to deal with customers. He tells his assistant (?) to give him a real angry caller, which he will put on speaker phone for the group to hear. It's Alexis on the phone! But he doesn't know, so she yells at him about the horrible date, but never actually mentions that it was a date, so Tank is hilariously oblivious, until the end, when she mocks him for giving up a shot at free sex. Ohhhhhhh the hilarity. Tank goes to her apartment, and they argue, which, naturally, leads to them boning. Duh.
Tank and Dustin have a talk, where Tank tries to tell him to just let her go. Dustin doesn't want to, but he's decided that it's ok if they are total BFFs. So, now we see Dustin doing all sorts of kooky, hilariously nice things for Alexis. However, since Tank is such a nice guy and a totally good friend to Dusty, he bangs the ever loving shit out of Alexis while Dustin is treating her to presents and food. What a good friend and cousin Tank is. Eventually, Tank decides he's going to help Dusty get himself some poon, so they go to a barber to get him all spruced up. Dustin wants the girl cutting his hair to trim his uni-brow (hahah), when Tank says something which suprises him. He turns his head suddenly, and the girl shaves off his eye brow! AHAHEHAHEHAH To try to even it out, they have Dustin shave off the other one! Ha-ha-larious! The laughs just never stop. Because they'd have to start first. Now Dustin goes on a date, and has painted on eye brows. The girl he's taking out is a mother, and when he sees her, she's breast feeding her baby. Dustin, trying to be super smooth, look at her and says, "I'll have what he's having." Get it?! He wants to suck on her boob! EAHEAHEHAEHAEHAAA! God, I fucking hate this movie.
So, now that the date is ruined, Dustin runs to Alexis' apartment. The roommate tells him it's a bad time because she's with someone. He goes to go up to her room, when... ... ... ALEXIS COMES RIDING PIGGY BACK ON TANK DOWN THE STAIRS! Oh shit! Of course, Dustin is a little pissed, since he didn't know she was with Tank. They both go to leave through the front door at the same time, and they get stuck for a second because the doorway isn't big enough for two people! Oh, the chuckles flow freely even during a dramatic moment! Dustin tells Tank he is to get the hell out of his apartment by the morning. What a dick! So, Tank lives in his car, because that asshole Dustin over-reacted when he found out he was humping the girl he very openly has feelings for. Some people, am I right?
Now we meet Tank's dad, played by Alec Baldwin. He gives seminars to women about being empowered or whatever. But, wait a minute, he's a womanizing dickwad, just like Tank! Double the laughs! That's really all you need to know about Tank's dad. Oh, he also has a young, smoking babe of an ass-istant that he humps. This movie has something for every body!
The rest of the movie just dissolves into a whirlwind of bullshit. Tank takes Alexis to a high school prom, which is odd, since they both appear to be in their mid-30s. I guess you can do that when you're TANK. Alexis decides to call Dustin, only because she wanted him to help her pick out a dress for her sisters wedding. Instead of inviting him, she invites Tank. PLOT TWIST! Remember the guy from the beginning of the movie? That had Tank give the chick a horrible date, and then the boyfriend left with another chick? He's marrying Alexis' sister! OH NO! He threatens to expose Tank if Tank exposes him. D-R-A-M-A. Tank does not approve. Meanwhile, off in the distance, a storm is brewing. Alexis' sister is the one that Tank went on the date with! She tells Alexis all about it, but it's ok, because Alexis loves Tank. Awww. Tank over hears this, and has a moment of reflection in the bathroom, where he decides that it's in her best interest if she is not with him.
It is at this point that the only almost funny parts of the movie kick in. If you've seen the trailer, it highlights this part. Tank basically goes around and just acts a complete fool all over this wedding, insulting a priest and a rabbi, interrupting the married couples dance just to throw up on the dance floor, drops some old lady while helping hoist her up in a chair, and shows Alexis' mom his wiener. Sadly, it took the movie almost an hour and 20 minutes to almost make me smirk. Eventually Dustin shows up to crash the wedding, and tells everyone all about Tank. This is when Alexis learns that Tank goes out with chicks just to make their boyfriends look good. What's gonna happen next in this tornado of emotions?
Now, at the end of the movie, Tank, his dad, and Dustin are sitting on top of some building having drinks, which makes no sense, because Dustin hates Tank, unless I didn't pay attention for a few minutes and they made up. Anyway, Dustin now gives Tank full permission to go after Alexis (???), but Tank doesn't know if he should. Three months later, Tank is having dinner with some chick. Alexis walks in, splashes wine in his face, they get into a huge fight, and, of course, they wind up basically humping right in the middle of the restaurant. Aww, I knew those two crazy kids were gonna make it!
I hear you saying, "But what happened to Dustin?" Let me tell you. He is hanging out with Tank's dad at a bar, who is apparently giving him dating advice. So, he goes up to a chick to talk to her. Which chick? Alexis' roommate! They go back to a bedroom. Alexis' roommate warns him that she's not normal. "Why's that" he asks. She produces a back pack, and dumps about 50 economy sized dildos on the bed. How does Dustin respond? Why, by dumping his 'Bate Crate on the bed! The perfect couple! The Porn Czar and the Dildo Queen! Happy ending all across the board!
I've seen some just bad movies in my day. I've sat through Queen of the Damned, Van Wilder, Death Proof, Rock Horror Picture Show, etc. This one was just on another level. And the fact that it made $40 million worldwide just makes me sad. What this movie is saying is that if you're good looking, you can be a complete and utter dick to a girl, and she'll still like you. If I'm wrong, I really want someone to correct me, because that is all I got from that movie. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a Dog-Turd-Covered-In-Cat-Vomit. Horrible acting, story is an abomination, you have to see Dane Cook's bare ass, and it's just a huge nail in the coffin of Alec Baldwin's career.
I can't really say why I decided to go and watch My Best Friend's Girl when it came out in the theater. The only logical conclusion I can make is that I wanted to see if he can do a good movie. If he can, this sure as hell isn't it. I hated it almost immediately, but since I paid almost $20 to see the damn thing, I stuck it out. Probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Easily the worst comedy I've seen, barely beating out Van Wilder (I'll probably do an entry on Ryan Renyolds at some point). Yesterday, I watched it again, and took notes so I can write about it here. So, without further ado, here is My Best Friend's Girl. Oh yeah, there's probably spoilers in here.
Dane Cook is Tank. Why is he called Tank? Because he gets hired by guys who get dumped by their girlfriends, gives them the worst night of their life, and the girl goes crying back to the guy they dumped. He "tanks" the date! Hilarity. Jason Biggs is Dustin, who is Tank's cousin/best friend. He's basically a fucking idiot, who has a "Bate Crate," which is a huge crate filled with porn, Dustin's most prized possession. Kate Hudson is Alexis, the girl that Dustin is going out with.
Movies starts with Tank going on a date with this chick. He's a dick the whole time, which is almost funny. She hates him, and calls her boyfriend wanting to get back together. Boyfriend is sitting in a bar with Tank, and hands him a wad of bills. Tank leaves, but gets stopped by the boyfriend, who is with another chick! Oh my goodness. Tank dissaproves. Character development! Tank gets home, where he and Dustin talk (they're roommates). Dustin says he loves his girlfriend Alexis, and is going to tell her. Tank says don't do it. Dustin is going to anyway.
So Dustin and Alexis go on a date, where Dustin is basically just an idiot, which will turn out to be his defining characteristic, next to him being a porn-a-holic. Dustin tells her that he loves her, and she freaks out. They've only been going out five weeks! Oh Dustin, you simpleton! She leaves him hanging. Dustin goes home, complains about the date, and asks Tank to work his magic with her. Tank says no, because he don't do family. Dustin says ok, takes his porn box, and enjoys the rest of his night. The next day, Dustin sees Alexis flirting with some guy at work. He flips out, calls Tank, and tells him to do it. The roller coaster of bullshit begins.
Tank starts off by meeting Alexis in the park while she's running. He trips and falls, gaining her sympathy and her number. They're going on a date. However, the night of the date, Alexis gets shit-hammered. While out, Tank tries all of his moves, but she's too drunk to be phased. At the end, she calls her roommate to talk about him, and she tells Alexis to hump him. Alexis throws the offer at Tank, who declines. Why? Because it turns out he has feelings for her! Plot development! Meanwhile, Tanks antics work, as Alexis calls Dustin, and they agree to have dinner the next day. During that dinner, Dustin is an idiot, and Alexis thinks they should take some time apart, because she basically never gets to have any fun. He says ok. He then goes behind Tanks back to set them up on a date! Oh no! Tank doesn't want to, because he's trying to keep Dustin's best interest at heart. But he does it anyway.
Now we get to see what Tank does for a living. Apparently he works at some sort of tech-help call center, where he plays old Nintendo games, because he is so retro. Also, I guess he gives seminars? In any case, he gives a speech to a group about how to deal with customers. He tells his assistant (?) to give him a real angry caller, which he will put on speaker phone for the group to hear. It's Alexis on the phone! But he doesn't know, so she yells at him about the horrible date, but never actually mentions that it was a date, so Tank is hilariously oblivious, until the end, when she mocks him for giving up a shot at free sex. Ohhhhhhh the hilarity. Tank goes to her apartment, and they argue, which, naturally, leads to them boning. Duh.
Tank and Dustin have a talk, where Tank tries to tell him to just let her go. Dustin doesn't want to, but he's decided that it's ok if they are total BFFs. So, now we see Dustin doing all sorts of kooky, hilariously nice things for Alexis. However, since Tank is such a nice guy and a totally good friend to Dusty, he bangs the ever loving shit out of Alexis while Dustin is treating her to presents and food. What a good friend and cousin Tank is. Eventually, Tank decides he's going to help Dusty get himself some poon, so they go to a barber to get him all spruced up. Dustin wants the girl cutting his hair to trim his uni-brow (hahah), when Tank says something which suprises him. He turns his head suddenly, and the girl shaves off his eye brow! AHAHEHAHEHAH To try to even it out, they have Dustin shave off the other one! Ha-ha-larious! The laughs just never stop. Because they'd have to start first. Now Dustin goes on a date, and has painted on eye brows. The girl he's taking out is a mother, and when he sees her, she's breast feeding her baby. Dustin, trying to be super smooth, look at her and says, "I'll have what he's having." Get it?! He wants to suck on her boob! EAHEAHEHAEHAEHAAA! God, I fucking hate this movie.
So, now that the date is ruined, Dustin runs to Alexis' apartment. The roommate tells him it's a bad time because she's with someone. He goes to go up to her room, when... ... ... ALEXIS COMES RIDING PIGGY BACK ON TANK DOWN THE STAIRS! Oh shit! Of course, Dustin is a little pissed, since he didn't know she was with Tank. They both go to leave through the front door at the same time, and they get stuck for a second because the doorway isn't big enough for two people! Oh, the chuckles flow freely even during a dramatic moment! Dustin tells Tank he is to get the hell out of his apartment by the morning. What a dick! So, Tank lives in his car, because that asshole Dustin over-reacted when he found out he was humping the girl he very openly has feelings for. Some people, am I right?
Now we meet Tank's dad, played by Alec Baldwin. He gives seminars to women about being empowered or whatever. But, wait a minute, he's a womanizing dickwad, just like Tank! Double the laughs! That's really all you need to know about Tank's dad. Oh, he also has a young, smoking babe of an ass-istant that he humps. This movie has something for every body!
The rest of the movie just dissolves into a whirlwind of bullshit. Tank takes Alexis to a high school prom, which is odd, since they both appear to be in their mid-30s. I guess you can do that when you're TANK. Alexis decides to call Dustin, only because she wanted him to help her pick out a dress for her sisters wedding. Instead of inviting him, she invites Tank. PLOT TWIST! Remember the guy from the beginning of the movie? That had Tank give the chick a horrible date, and then the boyfriend left with another chick? He's marrying Alexis' sister! OH NO! He threatens to expose Tank if Tank exposes him. D-R-A-M-A. Tank does not approve. Meanwhile, off in the distance, a storm is brewing. Alexis' sister is the one that Tank went on the date with! She tells Alexis all about it, but it's ok, because Alexis loves Tank. Awww. Tank over hears this, and has a moment of reflection in the bathroom, where he decides that it's in her best interest if she is not with him.
It is at this point that the only almost funny parts of the movie kick in. If you've seen the trailer, it highlights this part. Tank basically goes around and just acts a complete fool all over this wedding, insulting a priest and a rabbi, interrupting the married couples dance just to throw up on the dance floor, drops some old lady while helping hoist her up in a chair, and shows Alexis' mom his wiener. Sadly, it took the movie almost an hour and 20 minutes to almost make me smirk. Eventually Dustin shows up to crash the wedding, and tells everyone all about Tank. This is when Alexis learns that Tank goes out with chicks just to make their boyfriends look good. What's gonna happen next in this tornado of emotions?
Now, at the end of the movie, Tank, his dad, and Dustin are sitting on top of some building having drinks, which makes no sense, because Dustin hates Tank, unless I didn't pay attention for a few minutes and they made up. Anyway, Dustin now gives Tank full permission to go after Alexis (???), but Tank doesn't know if he should. Three months later, Tank is having dinner with some chick. Alexis walks in, splashes wine in his face, they get into a huge fight, and, of course, they wind up basically humping right in the middle of the restaurant. Aww, I knew those two crazy kids were gonna make it!
I hear you saying, "But what happened to Dustin?" Let me tell you. He is hanging out with Tank's dad at a bar, who is apparently giving him dating advice. So, he goes up to a chick to talk to her. Which chick? Alexis' roommate! They go back to a bedroom. Alexis' roommate warns him that she's not normal. "Why's that" he asks. She produces a back pack, and dumps about 50 economy sized dildos on the bed. How does Dustin respond? Why, by dumping his 'Bate Crate on the bed! The perfect couple! The Porn Czar and the Dildo Queen! Happy ending all across the board!
I've seen some just bad movies in my day. I've sat through Queen of the Damned, Van Wilder, Death Proof, Rock Horror Picture Show, etc. This one was just on another level. And the fact that it made $40 million worldwide just makes me sad. What this movie is saying is that if you're good looking, you can be a complete and utter dick to a girl, and she'll still like you. If I'm wrong, I really want someone to correct me, because that is all I got from that movie. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a Dog-Turd-Covered-In-Cat-Vomit. Horrible acting, story is an abomination, you have to see Dane Cook's bare ass, and it's just a huge nail in the coffin of Alec Baldwin's career.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Why I absolutely will not watch Priest
Later this year, a film will be released that I've waited a few years for. It's called "Priest," and it's based off of my absolute favorite manga (I know it's a manhwa or whatever, but I don't care) by the same name. When I first heard that it was being made into a movie, I actually may have shit myself. Allow me to explain Priest to you.
**SPOILER!! Heads up, I'm about to spoil the shit out of this thing, so skip ahead if you don't want to know what happens in the good version of Priest. If you just plan on watching the movie, read on, because it won't matter since the movie is going to be absolute balls. I'm going to try to summarize everything neatly and quickly, so I may forget a thing or two. Kiss my ass, I'm tired**
The manhwa version of Priest is a spaghetti-western story about religion and killing zombies and demons.The main character is Ivan Isaacs. He is a devout follower of God and is awesome at ancient religious lore and artifacts and whatnot. Ivan is also deeply in love with a young lady named Gena, but was always too shy to tell her. Isn't that adorable? Well, Ivan gets invited to go solve the puzzle of a religious relic that the Vatican has stumbled upon. Ivan goes, but feels sad because he loves Gena. He can't pass up this opportunity, and Gena said she'd wait for him to get back. So Ivan goes off to check this thing out.
Ok, now we go back in time. We get a glimpse at the angels in heaven, how they were Gods chosen and all that. Well, when God made man, some of the angels got all pissy, and corrupted some of them to show God just how weak man is, and that He should discard them because angles are more badass. God was all "You guys are dicks!" and gave'em the boot. The leader of these angels is Temorzarela. He didn't really appreciate being kicked out, since he's an angel and loves God more than anyone/thing else ever. Well, when the Crusades came around, Temorzarela corrupted one of the badest assed soldiers, and he became Temorzarelas host. He then went on a tirade, killing all sorts of shit, bringing his fallen angel buddies with him.
Tem runs across the best heretic judger in the land, Betheal. Tem fucks with his head a little, and makes Betheals kind of adopted son kill a girl to show Betheal just how powerful he is. Betheal loses his shit, and makes a pact with a devil, and decides he's going to take care of Temorzarela. So he creates a big ass tomb, and seals both himself and Tem inside using some type of magic. They lay dormant for a long ass time.
Back to Isaac. He goes to check out the relic, which turns out to be the tomb. He has a dream warning him not to open it, so he's kinda hesitant. The church dudes he's with have other plans. Since Isaac doesn't want to open it, they bring out something that might change his mind: GENA! Oh shit! Since they think that his mind is too clouded with thoughts of things that aren't God, they're going to take some of that away. So they just straight up murder her right in front of him. Ivan declares that he's had better days, and goes a little insane. He then opens up the tomb, releasing Temozorela and Betheal. Betheal is pissed, Tem is super excited. So excited he basically just pops one of the other church dudes like a bubble. Ivan a blathering mess of sadness and fucking anger, so he gives half of his soul up to Betheal, and becomes half-demon. Together, they vow to murder the balls off of Temorzarela and his homies. The rest of the story is Ivan being a bad ass, murdering zombies and fallen angel/demons in the wild west, and they have a side story about a town that's going to be taken over by the demon/angels and zombies, but the asshole author never finished the damn thing, so we don't know how it all ends, other than fucking amazingly.
**End Spoilers**
You can go and look up a more details plot analysis. It's a great damn story, with awesome artwork, and cool fight scenes.
Now, the fucking movie. Well, it's about vampires, for one. I don't know how closely you read my summarization up there, but I did not ever, ever, EVER mention lame ass vampires. I can't stand vampires. The only good vampire movie that exists is 30 Days of Night, and I don't know if they ever say that they're vampires or not. Vampire movies all blow. All of them. So, there's that. Also, I'm pretty sure it takes place in the future which...no. For the most part, the manhwa was in the Wild West, with a little Biblical times, and very, very briefly in the present. But, whatever. In the movie, Ivan (actually, I don't think they even call him Ivan. All the information I've seen just calls him Priest) is going after his kidnapped niece. I guess they decided that since they had probably the best damn love story of all time (what with all the zombie murdering, demon slaying, and giving half his soul to a demon so Ivan can avenge his beloved Gena), they might as well just toss that shit to the side and make it a kidnap story. I'm sure they'll have some bimbo show up for "Priest" to fall in love with for some damn reason. I hate when movies do that. Like in the Thor trailers. I know that bitch is going to be a love interest for Thor. Why? It has no fucking bearing on the plot. Idiots. Anyway, at least they got the fact that "Priest" has weapons, can use them very effectively, and believes in God right.
There's no damn way I can sit through that movie. Mostly for the sake of my friends, because I'm sure they don't really want to go to a theater to see that with me. I guarantee all I would do is bitch. The entire time. For weeks. Just like I did with the X-Men movie. I've only seen the first one all the way, and that was enough. But seriously. Priest is a badass story with demons, angels, religion, zombies, terrifying violence, and a sprinkle of love. Not some bullshit about lame ass vampires. Fucking idiots.
**SPOILER!! Heads up, I'm about to spoil the shit out of this thing, so skip ahead if you don't want to know what happens in the good version of Priest. If you just plan on watching the movie, read on, because it won't matter since the movie is going to be absolute balls. I'm going to try to summarize everything neatly and quickly, so I may forget a thing or two. Kiss my ass, I'm tired**
The manhwa version of Priest is a spaghetti-western story about religion and killing zombies and demons.The main character is Ivan Isaacs. He is a devout follower of God and is awesome at ancient religious lore and artifacts and whatnot. Ivan is also deeply in love with a young lady named Gena, but was always too shy to tell her. Isn't that adorable? Well, Ivan gets invited to go solve the puzzle of a religious relic that the Vatican has stumbled upon. Ivan goes, but feels sad because he loves Gena. He can't pass up this opportunity, and Gena said she'd wait for him to get back. So Ivan goes off to check this thing out.
Ok, now we go back in time. We get a glimpse at the angels in heaven, how they were Gods chosen and all that. Well, when God made man, some of the angels got all pissy, and corrupted some of them to show God just how weak man is, and that He should discard them because angles are more badass. God was all "You guys are dicks!" and gave'em the boot. The leader of these angels is Temorzarela. He didn't really appreciate being kicked out, since he's an angel and loves God more than anyone/thing else ever. Well, when the Crusades came around, Temorzarela corrupted one of the badest assed soldiers, and he became Temorzarelas host. He then went on a tirade, killing all sorts of shit, bringing his fallen angel buddies with him.
Tem runs across the best heretic judger in the land, Betheal. Tem fucks with his head a little, and makes Betheals kind of adopted son kill a girl to show Betheal just how powerful he is. Betheal loses his shit, and makes a pact with a devil, and decides he's going to take care of Temorzarela. So he creates a big ass tomb, and seals both himself and Tem inside using some type of magic. They lay dormant for a long ass time.
Back to Isaac. He goes to check out the relic, which turns out to be the tomb. He has a dream warning him not to open it, so he's kinda hesitant. The church dudes he's with have other plans. Since Isaac doesn't want to open it, they bring out something that might change his mind: GENA! Oh shit! Since they think that his mind is too clouded with thoughts of things that aren't God, they're going to take some of that away. So they just straight up murder her right in front of him. Ivan declares that he's had better days, and goes a little insane. He then opens up the tomb, releasing Temozorela and Betheal. Betheal is pissed, Tem is super excited. So excited he basically just pops one of the other church dudes like a bubble. Ivan a blathering mess of sadness and fucking anger, so he gives half of his soul up to Betheal, and becomes half-demon. Together, they vow to murder the balls off of Temorzarela and his homies. The rest of the story is Ivan being a bad ass, murdering zombies and fallen angel/demons in the wild west, and they have a side story about a town that's going to be taken over by the demon/angels and zombies, but the asshole author never finished the damn thing, so we don't know how it all ends, other than fucking amazingly.
**End Spoilers**
You can go and look up a more details plot analysis. It's a great damn story, with awesome artwork, and cool fight scenes.
Now, the fucking movie. Well, it's about vampires, for one. I don't know how closely you read my summarization up there, but I did not ever, ever, EVER mention lame ass vampires. I can't stand vampires. The only good vampire movie that exists is 30 Days of Night, and I don't know if they ever say that they're vampires or not. Vampire movies all blow. All of them. So, there's that. Also, I'm pretty sure it takes place in the future which...no. For the most part, the manhwa was in the Wild West, with a little Biblical times, and very, very briefly in the present. But, whatever. In the movie, Ivan (actually, I don't think they even call him Ivan. All the information I've seen just calls him Priest) is going after his kidnapped niece. I guess they decided that since they had probably the best damn love story of all time (what with all the zombie murdering, demon slaying, and giving half his soul to a demon so Ivan can avenge his beloved Gena), they might as well just toss that shit to the side and make it a kidnap story. I'm sure they'll have some bimbo show up for "Priest" to fall in love with for some damn reason. I hate when movies do that. Like in the Thor trailers. I know that bitch is going to be a love interest for Thor. Why? It has no fucking bearing on the plot. Idiots. Anyway, at least they got the fact that "Priest" has weapons, can use them very effectively, and believes in God right.
There's no damn way I can sit through that movie. Mostly for the sake of my friends, because I'm sure they don't really want to go to a theater to see that with me. I guarantee all I would do is bitch. The entire time. For weeks. Just like I did with the X-Men movie. I've only seen the first one all the way, and that was enough. But seriously. Priest is a badass story with demons, angels, religion, zombies, terrifying violence, and a sprinkle of love. Not some bullshit about lame ass vampires. Fucking idiots.
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