Buck Reviews "My Best Friend's Girl"

A while back, I heard Dane Cook for the first time. I thought he was pretty funny in his own special way. Not the best comic I heard, but he made me chuckle. I do still enjoy his stand-up from time to time. When I heard he was going to start doing movies, I was curious. Usually, when an established comic goes into movies, they do fairly well. Richard Prior, Robin Williams, Rodney Dangerfield (if you want to consider his purposely-crappy movies good, which some do), and a few others I can't think of all have some decent movies. Bill Cosby, who is the best stand-up ever, had one of the best TV shows of all time. Which is why I was at least intrigued when I heard about Dane giving it a shot. Then I saw a few clips from Simon Sez, which was horrible. He was tolerable in Waiting, mostly because he was a bit character. Good Luck Chuck just sounded absolutely embarrassing, so I didn't even bother. I haven't seen the rest of his movies, but I don't think I have to. I'm sure he plays a super sexy/funny goof in all of them. If I'm wrong, I don't really care.

I can't really say why I decided to go and watch My Best Friend's Girl when it came out in the theater. The only logical conclusion I can make is that I wanted to see if he can do a good movie. If he can, this sure as hell isn't it. I hated it almost immediately, but since I paid almost $20 to see the damn thing, I stuck it out. Probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Easily the worst comedy I've seen, barely beating out Van Wilder (I'll probably do an entry on Ryan Renyolds at some point). Yesterday, I watched it again, and took notes so I can write about it here. So, without further ado, here is My Best Friend's Girl. Oh yeah, there's probably spoilers in here.

Dane Cook is Tank. Why is he called Tank? Because he gets hired by guys who get dumped by their girlfriends, gives them the worst night of their life, and the girl goes crying back to the guy they dumped. He "tanks" the date! Hilarity. Jason Biggs is Dustin, who is Tank's cousin/best friend. He's basically a fucking idiot, who has a "Bate Crate," which is a huge crate filled with porn, Dustin's most prized possession. Kate Hudson is Alexis, the girl that Dustin is going out with.

Movies starts with Tank going on a date with this chick. He's a dick the whole time, which is almost funny. She hates him, and calls her boyfriend wanting to get back together. Boyfriend is sitting in a bar with Tank, and hands him a wad of bills. Tank leaves, but gets stopped by the boyfriend, who is with another chick! Oh my goodness. Tank dissaproves. Character development! Tank gets home, where he and Dustin talk (they're roommates). Dustin says he loves his girlfriend Alexis, and is going to tell her. Tank says don't do it. Dustin is going to anyway.

So Dustin and Alexis go on a date, where Dustin is basically just an idiot, which will turn out to be his defining characteristic, next to him being a porn-a-holic. Dustin tells her that he loves her, and she freaks out. They've only been going out five weeks! Oh Dustin, you simpleton! She leaves him hanging. Dustin goes home, complains about the date, and asks Tank to work his magic with her. Tank says no, because he don't do family. Dustin says ok, takes his porn box, and enjoys the rest of his night. The next day, Dustin sees Alexis flirting with some guy at work. He flips out, calls Tank, and tells him to do it. The roller coaster of bullshit begins.

Tank starts off by meeting Alexis in the park while she's running. He trips and falls, gaining her sympathy and her number. They're going on a date. However, the night of the date, Alexis gets shit-hammered. While out, Tank tries all of his moves, but she's too drunk to be phased. At the end, she calls her roommate to talk about him, and she tells Alexis to hump him. Alexis throws the offer at Tank, who declines. Why? Because it turns out he has feelings for her! Plot development! Meanwhile, Tanks antics work, as Alexis calls Dustin, and they agree to have dinner the next day. During that dinner, Dustin is an idiot, and Alexis thinks they should take some time apart, because she basically never gets to have any fun. He says ok. He then goes behind Tanks back to set them up on a date! Oh no! Tank doesn't want to, because he's trying to keep Dustin's best interest at heart. But he does it anyway.

Now we get to see what Tank does for a living. Apparently he works at some sort of tech-help call center, where he plays old Nintendo games, because he is so retro. Also, I guess he gives seminars? In any case, he gives a speech to a group about how to deal with customers. He tells his assistant (?) to give him a real angry caller, which he will put on speaker phone for the group to hear. It's Alexis on the phone! But he doesn't know, so she yells at him about the horrible date, but never actually mentions that it was a date, so Tank is hilariously oblivious, until the end, when she mocks him for giving up a shot at free sex. Ohhhhhhh the hilarity. Tank goes to her apartment, and they argue, which, naturally, leads to them boning. Duh.

Tank and Dustin have a talk, where Tank tries to tell him to just let her go. Dustin doesn't want to, but he's decided that it's ok if they are total BFFs. So, now we see Dustin doing all sorts of kooky, hilariously nice things for Alexis. However, since Tank is such a nice guy and a totally good friend to Dusty, he bangs the ever loving shit out of Alexis while Dustin is treating her to presents and food. What a good friend and cousin Tank is. Eventually, Tank decides he's going to help Dusty get himself some poon, so they go to a barber to get him all spruced up. Dustin wants the girl cutting his hair to trim his uni-brow (hahah), when Tank says something which suprises him. He turns his head suddenly, and the girl shaves off his eye brow! AHAHEHAHEHAH To try to even it out, they have Dustin shave off the other one! Ha-ha-larious! The laughs just never stop. Because they'd have to start first. Now Dustin goes on a date, and has painted on eye brows. The girl he's taking out is a mother, and when he sees her, she's breast feeding her baby. Dustin, trying to be super smooth, look at her and says, "I'll have what he's having." Get it?! He wants to suck on her boob! EAHEAHEHAEHAEHAAA! God, I fucking hate this movie.

So, now that the date is ruined, Dustin runs to Alexis' apartment. The roommate tells him it's a bad time because she's with someone. He goes to go up to her room, when... ... ... ALEXIS COMES RIDING PIGGY BACK ON TANK DOWN THE STAIRS! Oh shit! Of course, Dustin is a little pissed, since he didn't know she was with Tank. They both go to leave through the front door at the same time, and they get stuck for a second because the doorway isn't big enough for two people! Oh, the chuckles flow freely even during a dramatic moment! Dustin tells Tank he is to get the hell out of his apartment by the morning. What a dick! So, Tank lives in his car, because that asshole Dustin over-reacted when he found out he was humping the girl he very openly has feelings for. Some people, am I right?

Now we meet Tank's dad, played by Alec Baldwin. He gives seminars to women about being empowered or whatever. But, wait a minute, he's a womanizing dickwad, just like Tank! Double the laughs! That's really all you need to know about Tank's dad. Oh, he also has a young, smoking babe of an ass-istant that he humps. This movie has something for every body!

The rest of the movie just dissolves into a whirlwind of bullshit. Tank takes Alexis to a high school prom, which is odd, since they both appear to be in their mid-30s. I guess you can do that when you're TANK. Alexis decides to call Dustin, only because she wanted him to help her pick out a dress for her sisters wedding. Instead of inviting him, she invites Tank. PLOT TWIST! Remember the guy from the beginning of the movie? That had Tank give the chick a horrible date, and then the boyfriend left with another chick? He's marrying Alexis' sister! OH NO! He threatens to expose Tank if Tank exposes him. D-R-A-M-A. Tank does not approve. Meanwhile, off in the distance, a storm is brewing. Alexis' sister is the one that Tank went on the date with! She tells Alexis all about it, but it's ok, because Alexis loves Tank. Awww. Tank over hears this, and has a moment of reflection in the bathroom, where he decides that it's in her best interest if she is not with him.

It is at this point that the only almost funny parts of the movie kick in. If you've seen the trailer, it highlights this part. Tank basically goes around and just acts a complete fool all over this wedding, insulting a priest and a rabbi, interrupting the married couples dance just to throw up on the dance floor, drops some old lady while helping hoist her up in a chair, and shows Alexis' mom his wiener. Sadly, it took the movie almost an hour and 20 minutes to almost make me smirk. Eventually Dustin shows up to crash the wedding, and tells everyone all about Tank. This is when Alexis learns that Tank goes out with chicks just to make their boyfriends look good. What's gonna happen next in this tornado of emotions?

Now, at the end of the movie, Tank, his dad, and Dustin are sitting on top of some building having drinks, which makes no sense, because Dustin hates Tank, unless I didn't pay attention for a few minutes and they made up. Anyway, Dustin now gives Tank full permission to go after Alexis (???), but Tank doesn't know if he should. Three months later, Tank is having dinner with some chick. Alexis walks in, splashes wine in his face, they get into a huge fight, and, of course, they wind up basically humping right in the middle of the restaurant. Aww, I knew those two crazy kids were gonna make it!

I hear you saying, "But what happened to Dustin?" Let me tell you. He is hanging out with Tank's dad at a bar, who is apparently giving him dating advice. So, he goes up to a chick to talk to her. Which chick? Alexis' roommate! They go back to a bedroom. Alexis' roommate warns him that she's not normal. "Why's that" he asks. She produces a back pack, and dumps about 50 economy sized dildos on the bed. How does Dustin respond? Why, by dumping his 'Bate Crate on the bed! The perfect couple! The Porn Czar and the Dildo Queen! Happy ending all across the board!

I've seen some just bad movies in my day. I've sat through Queen of the Damned, Van Wilder, Death Proof, Rock Horror Picture Show, etc. This one was just on another level. And the fact that it made $40 million worldwide just makes me sad. What this movie is saying is that if you're good looking, you can be a complete and utter dick to a girl, and she'll still like you. If I'm wrong, I really want someone to correct me, because that is all I got from that movie. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a Dog-Turd-Covered-In-Cat-Vomit. Horrible acting, story is an abomination, you have to see Dane Cook's bare ass, and it's just a huge nail in the coffin of Alec Baldwin's career.

Buck vs. Jagermeister

Usually, on the two nights a year I decide to drink, I stick with my sissy drinks. Smirnoff, Mike's Hard Lemon-aid, drinks like that. Not because I'm a big girl and can't handle booze, but because they taste really damn good, and beer tastes god awful. However, every now and then, I'll get that wild hair up my ass. I'll scan the room, and low and behold! There's that dark green bottle of liquid Hell: JAGERMEISTER. I'll think to myself "Dustin, you have to work in the near future. You really should stay away from that." Then my balls will chip in "Fuck you brain! JAAAGGERRRR!!" My brain will step to the side, because he knows that eventually I'll be throwing up for a couple of hours, pass out, and wish I had listened in the morning.

When I usually drink Jager, I'll have fun for about an hour, then I vomit for three hours, and go home to pass out. But, on one special night, I was there for fuckin' business. Now, before I begin this tale, I should say that what happened on this night might have actually happened on a different night. I have no idea. Either both nights were basically identical, or I completely blacked out one of them. Either way, in my brain lies a combination of the two, that's the story I remember, and the story I will share. I don't care if it's correct.

We were having a part at The Trailer either for no reason, or because my buddy Daniel had come back from his Army duty, or he was about to leave for duty. Either way, we were partying, and everyone was to get drunk. Somehow, a fucking liter of Jager showed up. My balls tell my brain to shut the fuck up, and I move in. Daniel sits down with the bottle. I saddle up beside him. Shot glasses appear. We look each other in the eyes, give each other a knowing nod, and just start slamming them down. At this point I should state that I'm not much of a drinker. I can hold an average amount of my Smirnoffs, unless I decide I have to wrestle someone. I usually get sick after about four or five Jager shots. Not on this night. Daniel can out drink me on any night, and I have no illusions that I can compete with him. But on this night, my balls were battle ready. When I stopped, I believe I had someone in the area of 12 Jager shots, all within...30 minutes? An hour? I have no idea. I had no working knowledge of time. Dan was somewhere around 15-20. We're both giggling dipshits. To say we were drunk would be incorrect. I was on a different plane of existence. Thankfully, Dan got up to stumble around, mingling with everyone else that was there. I decided to sit and try not to die.

It is about this time that my buddy Josh shows up. He sees me sitting down in front of the Jager bottle, and sits across from me. He reminds me that he was in martial arts with me. I make a noise that resembles agreeing. He says that we need to drink some Jager. I beg to differ. He says that we need to drink to our warrior spirits, that we need to drink to the spirit of martial arts. For some damn reason, I saw this as a challenge to my manhood. My balls will not tolerate some white belt trying to one-up me. THIS WILL NOT STAND! So, because I am smart, I ORDER him to pour me a shot. I down that sum bitch, and slam the glass on the table. "Another!" I proclaim! I slam that bastard down as well.

My brain was sitting back, watching this. My brain had been sending me subtle hints for a while now that I really need to stop. When I took that second shot, my brain told my eyes to give me the final warning. Everything was spinning rapidly, but I was sitting down, so I didn't feel any threat. However, when I grabbed my 15th or so shot of the night, my third in roughly a minute, my brain was officially tired of my shit. My last memory of that night was bringing that shot up to my lips.

I came to in the bathroom the next morning, confused and in a little pain. I was directly across from the toilet, there was vomit in the tub, and I had rug burn on both of my elbows. My first clear thought was that I wanted a cigarette, but couldn't find my smokes. I then decided that I needed to go to sleep. I get up, go into the living room. John is passed out on one couch, and Josh is passed out in a chair. I thought about punching Josh, but instead I fell over onto the second couch. I was in the process of passing back out, when I heard Josh get up. I watched him as he stumbled over next to the couch I was laying in. I watch him unzip and unbutton his pants. My brain sends me warning signals that I might want to get out of the way. I see Josh's hands go into his pants, and begin the motions of pulling his member out. I realize I am in no shape to flee, so  opt to just try to roll over into the cushions of the couch, hoping he will miss me, because he is definitely going to pee on me. I second or two later, I look back, wondering where the pee is. Josh didn't pull it out, but he is pissing all over himself. He sits back down, passes back out, and I giggle my ass off. I guess my laughter woke John up. He suggested that we call someone to take us to get food. That is the best idea I've ever heard. The call is made, we get picked up, and off to food!

As I get into the bright light, I regret every bad decision I've ever made. I've never been hung over before. I've heard tales, but I thought that they were just exaggerated. It was awful. Very few times in my life have I been more miserable. Anyway. We get to the restaurant. I order a chicken strip basket with fries, thinking surely I can eat at least the fries. I managed to stomach down one (1) fry, and I had to force it down. I also had to go to the bathroom, because eating that one fry almost made me throw up. We go back to the trailer, and I pass out. I was hung over, literally, all damn day. I worked over nights at the time, and didn't get over my hangover until around 3am the next morning. After that night, I vowed to never drink that much ever again. So far, I have managed to do so. So, if you ever see me boozing it up, and I'm nice and drunk, if you want to see me try to kill myself via hooch, just challenge my manhood. I am all that is MAN, and my drunk ass will prove it to you by throwing up and being a whiny bitch the entire next day.