Sunday, November 6, 2011

Buck Tries a Cage Fight and Discovers Time Travel

There comes a time in every male's life that he must journey from childhood to manhood. While everyone enters "adulthood" at 18, it usually takes a special event to truly make a man a man. That day came to me when I had decided to take my decade of martial arts experience, and test it out in an amateur cage fight. Just a short time after my 25th birthday, I signed the paper to what would be me almost getting beaten to death. After dropping almost 20 pounds to fight at 140 lbs, and upping my training to help prepare, I felt I was ready to show everyone just how badass I was. Oh, how wrong I was.

Allow me to take you on a journey. You see, when I heard that my opponent was a very good high school wrestler, naturally I assumed that he was going to try to use his wrestling background to his advantage. I practiced my take down defenses for a few weeks, and got decent at them. My ju jutsu was good enough that I didn't have to worry too much about what would happen if/when he did take me down. With that being said, here is a timeline of events as I experienced them:

2:35 : We touch gloves, and circle. I, expertly, position myself with my back close to the cage. You know, so I can't get away from his punches. He throws a test jab, I lob my foot up towards his face, which he sees as an opening.
2:45 : I notice something rocketing towards my face.
3:08 : I wake up. I am confused. I was just standing up. How could I be on my back? I assumed we were still fighting.
3:44 : After holding on for deal life long enough to remember how this whole ju jutsu thing works, I attempt an arm bar, only to realize just how strong this son of a bitch is. So I throw weak-ass punches to the side of his hair.
4:00 : He leans back, I see that familiar rocket coming towards my face again. I decide it's a good time to fall back asleep.
4:12 : I wake up while screaming "Matte!" at the ref. FYI, matte means "wait" in Japanese, or in this instance, "God dammit, get him off of me!" The ref saves my life, and Bobby celebrates as I lay there for a second. I barely remember hearing my sensei ask me if I need help walking. I don't say anything, opting instead to just lean on him as he walks me back up the stairs.

You may have noticed there are a few gaps in my memory. That is because those times are when I stumbled upon time travel. Some may call it "being unconscious," but those people are wrong. Literally the only thing that kept this fight going for longer than 30 seconds is the fact that, after he punched my eyes into the back of my skull, I fell against the cage, thus was "able" to "stand" for a little bit longer. Until I went for a expertly executed throw, which landed me on my back. So scientists, listen up. The secret to time travel is having someone try to put their fist through your head. Surprised it hadn't been thought of before.

So yeah. That is my attempt at a cage fight. After gaining what little composure I had back, I congratulated Bobby on his victory, and then we all went to eat at Hardie's. For some reason, the people working the counter that night looked at me really weird. For the life of me, I can't imagine why.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Buck Presents: Tales from the Hotel: Customers are Fucking Idiots

As a continuation of my previous post, here are a couple of tales from my time as a front desk clerk. These stories wouldn't make much of an article individually, so I slammed three of them together. Enjoy my suffering.

Old Lady vs Parking Lot
I'm working the front desk at the hotel one night, when an old lady comes in. She wants a room for the night. I give her one. She asks where she can park, and I instruct her to drive around to the other side of the building to the very clearly visible and large parking lot that has other cars parked within it. She takes her key, goes back to her car, and she begins to drive off. I watch as she pulls back onto the road and takes off towards the highway. I assume that she is going to take care of whatever other business she has, and think nothing else of it.

About five minutes later she drives back to the front of the hotel. As she walks towards me, I can tell she is a little irritated. She asks me where the parking lot is again, and again I tell her it's on the other side of the building, complete with me pointing the direction for her to go. She accepts the answer, and goes back to her car. This time I watch her, and she gets back on the road and heads towards the highway again. I am befuddled. Roughly five minutes later she comes back, angry at me because I keep giving her wrong directions to the parking lot. Now, I'm not much of a people person, especially when it comes to dumb people. When she got huffy and puffy with me over my directions, it took every ounce of my being to not yell back and/or laugh. Since this old lady is clearly missing some important parts in her brain, I very calmly and slowly explain to her that if she drives forward, stays off of the road, and just drive right along side the building, she will find the parking lot quite easily. She was still pissed as she left, and actually found the parking lot this time.

Naturally, the next day I came in and discovered that she filed a complaint against me to the manager, so I got wrote up. Dumb ass old broad.

Grandma and Grandpa Want Some Alone Time
Sitting around behind the front desk again, and an old couple and what I assumed where their grand kids come in. They get a single room with two beds, and take off (they managed to find the parking lot). A little while later the old guy comes down and asks if we have any kind of divider he can rent. I'm sure I looked at him a little funny, since no one had ever asked if we had something like that. He goes on to explain that he and his wife, direct quote, "want some alone time." I stare at him for a few seconds, and then ask, "What?" He repeats himself. Grandma and Grandpa wanna hump, but don't want to kids to see it. I tell him that I would see if I can find anything for him, but I didn't think we had anything. I tell him I'd give his room a call, and he heads back to his room. I didn't even bother to look, so I called and gave him the negative.

He comes back down about an hour later. Apparently he and his wife really want to get some nasty, so he asks if it is possible to get another room. I tell him yes, and gave him the price of another room. He doesn't like the thought of paying for two rooms, and asks if they could just split the cost of one room over both rooms. Basically, he wanted a free room for the kids to roam around in while they slap their genitals together. Again, I look at him confused, and tell him that there is no way I can do that, and I would probably get fired if I did. I make the offer of a second room again, but he doesn't have enough money for it, so he just sadly walked back to his room.

I felt kind of bad for him. Old man just wanted to get him some, but there wasn't anything I could do unless he was willing to pay.

The Day I Almost Beat Two Guys with a Club
Towards the end of my tenure at the hotel as a front desk clerk, these two road workers came in. I'll call them Frank and Dan. From day one, they were a constant pain in my ass. They didn't like the weekly rate we gave them, which was about $20 a night under the regular price. They demanded to see the list of our taxes, which I refused to show them, mostly because I didn't think we even had such a list. If they didn't have the same room from week to week, they were pissed. They didn't understand the pre-authorization process (basically, a pre-auth makes sure you have enough money on your credit/debit card to cover the room and any other charges), and that pissed them off. For about a full month, every week day they would come down to bitch at me for one reason or another, and every time I would have to explain to them that I couldn't do anything because all the management went home at 5pm, so I was the only person there and they would have to wait until the morning to talk to anyone in charge. They never understood that very complicated idea, so we argued every day.

The day I almost snapped on them was a day from hell. I came in to work, and was told that we had a very large bus tour coming in and would be giving the hotel a large sum of money, so they took priority over the other guests. So all the road/construction/railroad workers that were used to getting their way would be pissed, and guess who would have to deal with them. Lucky me. After about four or five hours of dealing with large, pissed off workers complaining about not getting the same rooms they usually got, Dan shows up. He is talking on his cell phone as he goes to check in. He and Frank usually get a smoking room, but because of the tour they didn't get one, though we were able to put them on the bottom floor, which has a door to the outside so they can still smoke. As he is filling out the paper work, I point out to him that we had to move them to a different room, which he was ok with. I also informed him that it was a non-smoking room, and pointed out our Non-Smoking Policy (if they smoke in the room, we WILL charge them $250, since it is a non-smoking room). I point out the highlighted $250 on the paperwork, and make him sign it, which means he understands the non-smoking portion. He signs it, gets his key, and goes to his room. 

Frank shows up about 20 minutes later. He is not talking on the phone, so I have his undivided attention. I inform him that they are in a different room, that it is a non-smoking room, that he has to sign the Non-Smoking agreement, all of that. He fills the paper out, signs his name at the bottom, takes his key, and goes to the room. Low and behold, about 15 minutes later here they come, and they look PISSED. They bitch about not having the same room they usually do. I inform them that I told them both about the room change, and they both said that it was fine. Dan said he was on his phone, so I should have made it more clear. I agree with him, but point out that Frank was not incumbered  in any way, and he was fine with it. Then they get into the non-smoking thing. They bitch and bitch and moan and complain, they reserved a smoking room, smokers have rights too, etc etc. I wait for them to stop, calmly take out their individual paper work, and point out that they both signed the non-smoking clause and said they understood it. Dan said he was on his phone, yadda yadda. I ask if he always signs things without understand what he's signing for, and then point out that I had Frank's complete attention, so if he wanted to complain, he should have done so before he signed it. They continue to yell at me, and I just sit back in my chair, and tell them that if they want to do anything about it, they will have to do so in the morning when management is there. They huff and puff their way back to their room.

About an hour later they come back  down. They are both smoking as they walk into the lobby. Our lobby is a non-smoking lobby. They come to tell me that they can smoke wherever they want. They give the hotel almost $400 a week, and that gives them the right to do whatever they want. I tell them that for the same price, they can rent out an apartment for an entire month. Frank blows smoke in my face. I'm a smoker, so it didn't bother me too much, but it did strike me as very disrespectful. I inform them that our lobby is non-smoking, to which they laugh. I then tell them that if they don't leave the lobby, I can have them removed from the hotel, I would charge them $250 a piece for smoking in the lobby, and I would charge them the regular, full price for their room. They said I didn't have the power to do that, which is true. So I called the general manager, informed him of what was going on, and he gave me the go-ahead. I handed the phone to Dan so he could hear it straight from the boss man's mouth. Dan tried to pull some shit, but boss man wasn't having any of it, and told Dan that either they could smoke outside, or stay at another hotel. Dan hangs the phone up, and he and Frank continue to bitch. While this is happening, I just keep thinking about a "key ring" we have that has all the master keys and maintenance keys on it. When I say "ring," I actually mean a solid, wooden club that's about a foot and a half long, and about an inch thick. All I really wanted to do was take the club, and smash them in the face with it. Since I didn't want to go to jail for murder, I instead sat back down in my chair, and told them that if they want to keep bitching, they will have to do so in the morning. They get all red-faced, and head back to their room.

Later that night, I wrote my resignation, telling management that if I didn't quit, I was going to assault them with the club, and probably bring a lawsuit upon the hotel. They appreciated my honesty, and let me resign.

Two weeks after I quit, Frank and Dan fucking left, and never came back.

So, in conclusion, if you ever stay at a hotel, please be nice to the front desk clerks. You never know if they have a solid, blunt object at the ready.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Buck Presents: Tales from the Hotel: The Orgy Room

I have spent about two and a half years working in the hotel business. I spent four months as a front desk clerk, two years as a janitor/bed maker/maintenance man, and have recently began a job as a house keeper. In my time working in the hotel business, my eyes have been opened to a whole world I never knew existed. I knew that people can be absolutely disgusting. I've seen things in the four-ish years as a janitor to know that when people leave their homes, they do not give half a shit around being clean and tidy. However, when I started helping the house keepers by making the beds in their rooms, I was impressed by the condition people leave their rooms in. One of my favorite rooms that I, thankfully, did not have to help with, was the Orgy Room.

I go in to work one Sunday, already knowing that the day will suck. Sundays used to be the busy days at that point, and after I finished with my janitor duties, I would help the house keepers by making their beds, which could take four or five extra hours some days. This day was no different. I finish my janitor crap, and begin making beds. An hour or so later, one of the keepers yelled for me. She told me that I "have to see this room." Immediately I am excited. Every time I am told that I must see something, I am filled with a sense of joy. I bound down the hall to the room she was in, enter the room, and am stopped dead in my tracks.

I have heard that from time to time, sex parties get thrown, even in the crappy little town I live in. I have never seen the aftermath of one, so when I stepped into this room, I was stunned. As I scanned the room, this is what I saw:

  •  Empty boxes and wrappers of condoms just laying about
  • Obviously used condoms, both in the trash cans, and on the floor
  • An empty box of KY Jelly
  • An empty box of Astro-Glide
  • One condom that had a red coloration that I could tell was not originally on the condom
  • One little plastic cup that appeared to be filled with semen
 After taking in my surroundings, the house keeper told me that I was going to help her with this room. I have to say, I hadn't laughed so hard in a good long while. For some reason, she did not find it as funny as I did. This tale ends with me not helping her with that room, and her being pissed.

Kids, if you are going to have a little sex party, and decide to have it in a hotel, please take care of your trash. While it is funny to think about leaving your "used paraphernalia" for someone else to deal with, it's just not nice. Or your could leave a nice tip for the house keeper. That might make it better.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Buck Reviews "Deadly Premonition," One of the Best Worst Games Ever

Last year, I bought "Alan Wake," which is a fantastic survival/horror game. After beating it, I read up on it a little, and read that it was based off of an early 90's TV series, Twin Peaks. I then looked into Twin Peaks, and discovered that another game was made last year that was also based off of it, named Deadly Premonition. So I looked that game up, and was surprised at the reviews it got. They basically ranged from a 2 out of 10 to a 10 out of 10, depending on who was reviewing it. Naturally, I was intrigued. Lucky for me, a friend of mine bought the game, mostly because he found it for only $15, and it has easy achievements. After managing to ruin his copy in a freak stepping-on-a-cord-making-my-X-Box-fall-while-loading-causing-a-huge-scratch accident, I rented it so I could finally play this beast. Finally, after around 20 hours of playing it, I beat it, and now I shall tell you all about it.

GRAPHICS: If you have ever played the first, maybe even the second Resident Evil game, then you have a grasp of the graphics. For a game that came out in 2010, you would really think that it could have something at least on the level of an original X-Box game. It looks like a last gen PS1/early PS2 game. Granted, it was originally supposed to come out in 2007, but still. There are plenty of graphical hiccups, such as people just kinda moving through sections of walls,and the background just kind of popping up out of nowhere. The animations of characters are also painful to watch. Everyone moves as though they were in a box. Just about every character only has two, maybe three facial expressions at most. Repetitive animations. If you were to just watch the game, it would be a chore to sit through. Bottom line: The graphics are crap.

SOUND: The sound of this game is amazingly awful. I loved it. The game has three or four main songs it plays throughout, sometimes seemingly at random. Sometimes it can turn a serious moment into a hilarious one, simply because the music does not at all reflect what is happening. Anytime I heard what I call "The Whistle Song," I just could not help but whistle along. I'm sure I missed a few important plot points simply because I was getting into that damn song. The voice acting is also pretty good...for the most part. Sometimes they seem to phone in a line, but who cares? There is also hours and hours of extra dialogue they included, from your character talking to himself as he drives to pass the time, to the exchanges between you and the town folk. I also love how they just re-use every sound effect. Every door in the game, including prison cell doors and giant metal gates, sound like an old, rickety closet door. There's also only two walking sounds. It was always sound like you're either walking on a tile floor in high heels, or walking through some high grass. When it comes to the sound, it is basically awesome, as long as you don't mind repetition.

GAMEPLAY: Probably the worst aspect of the game. Walking around is a pain in the ass. It is best to pay attention to your surroundings, because if you don't, you will walk into some chair, and spend about 30 seconds trying to maneuver away from it. The driving is awful. Any vehicle you get into feels either like you're driving a soaped-up stick of butter, or a giant stone block. Also, when the camera changes while you're moving, the controls get all screwy, because pressing "Up" is always the move forward button, which screws you up when you're moving toward the screen, or across it horizontally. You also have to be lined up perfectly to interact with most objects. Combat...dear god. The combat will make you want to break your controller. Since they did not include an option to adjust the sensitivity while aiming a gun, you have to deal with their fucked up aiming scheme. It's usually not that big of a deal once you get used to it, but later when you have to be precise, it will make you cry. Melee weapons have a very limited durability, so I wouldn't even bother with them except when breaking boxes and wooden fences. Also, either the map sucks, or that town was laid out by an asshole. Everything is set way too far apart. However, with all that said, I will say that DP is very innovative in one aspect. It is a sandbox type game, where you can run around and do stuff other than the story mode. The cool part about that is the other characters are not always where they should be. They drive around town, go to the store, get gas, all sorts of stuff. So if you're looking for a character to do their side quest, you are most likely going to have to track them down. If they're driving, you can't just ram them off the road. You have to follow them until they stop and then talk to them. You also have to make sure you get sleep and eat, otherwise you start bitching and moaning. At least I think you do. I never really had an issue with food or sleep, since food is laying around everywhere, and there's plenty of places to sleep. Over all, the controls are shit, combat is shit, driving is shit, but it does bring a little something new to the whole sand box aspect.

CHARACTERS: The characters are either the second best part of this game, or tied for first. You play as FBI Agent Francis York Morgan, a man who gets tips from his coffee, speaks to his invisible friend Zack, and is kind of an asshole, but not really on purpose. What I love is how every single character you meet has their own personal back story. All of them. Each character is unique. I really wish I could go into detail on them, but I can't, because almost all of them are important to the main plot, and I don't want to spoil anything about this game. You will either love, hate, or be amused by everyone you meet in that little town. There is some incredible character development that happens as the game goes on. Just trust me, the characters in this game almost make the game worth buying in and of themselves.

PLOT/STORY: I would like to go on record and say that the main story to Deadly Premonition is fucking incredible. Remember earlier when I said that this game is inspired by Twin Peaks? Well, if you've seen that show, then you already have a basic idea of what this game is like. It's a murder mystery, who-done-it, with so damn many plot twists, you never really know what is going on. Most of the fun is just trying to figure out what might happen next. Basically, Agent Morgan arrives at a small town to investigate the murder of a teenage girl, and as you go about solving the case, everything gets bat-shit crazy. Just when you think you have it figured out, it turns out that you were completely wrong. Or maybe I'm just not a good detective. Either way, when the climax came, I was all "Holy shit, why didn't I notice that?!" Trying to figure out the mystery, along with learning how the rest of the town folk tie into it, is just incredible. I don't think I've played a game with anything close to it before, and unless they release a Deadly Premonition 2, I probably won't for a very long time. If I were to rate the story, I've give it a big !! out of 10.

So, in conclusion, if you don't care too much about how pretty a game is, and how horrible the controls are, and the repetition of the sound score, and how tragic the combat system is, then I suggest you go and buy the crap out of this game. Most places sell it for less than $20. For that small price, you get a game that has some of the best character development, some of the funniest moments, and one of the best stories I've experienced in any game so far, and in most movies. Granted, it's basically Twin Peaks: The Game, but that show is incredible, so don't bitch about it. The fact that people who love Halo and Gears of War and all that simply hate this game just lets you know that some people have no idea what to do with a truly original game. Deadly Premonition is an incredible train wreck, and I loved every single minute of it.

If you're still not sure about this game, just watch these clips. They'll give you a small glimpse of the characters, and also The Whistle Song. You're welcome.

Friday, June 3, 2011

A Moment of Self-Reflection

Currently, it is 2:50 am on a now Friday morning. I was sitting outside on our porch, smoking a cigarette, alone in the peaceful dark, and just thinking. Not about anything in particular, just letting my mind wander. In my thinking, I realized exactly how fortunate and blessed I am. Not really in the way that some people consider, but in a deeper, more real sense. Sure, I currently have no money that I can spend the way I would like, and I spend a good amount of time concerned for my health, but those are matters I can deal with later. I know the steps I can take to solve those problems, but I do not consider them important enough to worry about. When I say I am blessed, I mean in the people that I surround myself with.

I honestly feel with every fiber of my being that I have the greatest group of friends anyone could ask for. For example, a few nights ago, a bunch of us got together to just waste away an entire day, just hanging out, drinking a little, and having fun. Well, one of them got entirely too drunk, said things he wishes he hadn't, and decided to wander off to a party up the street. Any other group of people might have gotten pissed at him for what he was saying, and just let him go and get into whatever trouble might have happened at that party of mostly strangers. However, our friends were not about to let that slide, and we went to drag him away. Sure, it took us about 30 minutes to talk him into leaving. Even after we got him back to our party, he went off on his tangent. Apparently, he should not ever, EVER drink Vodka again. What I'm getting at is that after that night, I realized that if I were to ever do anything really stupid, say things that might cross a few lines, and just generally act a fool, I know my friends will look after my best interests, even if I am not. Upon realizing that, as long as this group of misfits, which most people would just assume are a bunch of slackers, assholes, and bitches, which we are, as long as we all stay together, we will all be in safe hands. I have managed to belong to a group that genuinely cares for one another, even if we want to just knock the shit out of each other from time to time, but that's what true friends are for. While I'm on the subject of friends, and even though I know he won't read this, I gotta say something about my friend John. Contrary to the fact that he's acting like a 12 year old girl about what I said about him, which I have said to his face in the past (for those that might not know, I called him gay. I know he's not gay, but he is a little girl sometimes, such as this), I honestly hope he gets over the sand in his vagina. If he shows up at our annual 4th of July shindig, I'll tell him in person. Until then, maybe some one reading this can pass the message along. If he still wants to be a middle-schooler about this, then so be it. All I can do is try. In conclusion of this section, I love every one of you people. If you called upon me for any sort of favor (except money. I'm broke as fuck), I will be there. Some big dude gonna whoop your ass? I've gotten pretty good at absorbing punches from big dudes. If nothing else, I'll distract him long enough for you to get out of there. You need someone to be an accomplice for something that might be a little illegal? I'll let you know how stupid it is, but I'll probably go along with you, and we can hang out in jail for a few nights afterwards. I will always have all of your backs, because I know that if I ever need it, you will have mine as well.

I also realized that I was raised by two of the best people. Ever. Am I being biased? Yes, and I don't care. Everything I am I am because of what I either inherited from them, or from what they taught me. Even though they split when my sister and I were tiny, both my mother and father impacted my life in equally important ways. Watching my mom raise four kids basically by herself, with all the problems we caused her through all of these years, and all the problems I'm sure we will continue to cause her, she has never once let us down. She has more loving patience than any of us kids deserved to have shared with us. All the stupid shit the four of us have done, and yet she still managed to calm herself down just enough to let us live to see the next sunrise. Incredible. When my sister shaved off her eye brow, when I went through my "angsty goth" phase, my sister getting pregnant, Dan getting in an impressive amount of trouble at school, me letting that kid just kick my ass in my senior year and coming home all sorts of messed up, Dan and Damon waking up and emptying the fridge out onto the kitchen floor, me almost making her kill me when I was two and demanding "Rocky Rocky" very, very early in the morning... I mean, any other mother would have snapped at least once, and suddenly only had three kids to deal with, but not her. Either through determination or just sheer stubbornness you have managed to raise four basically well-adjusted kids. You are the first half of my personal hero tag team. You have taught me patience, courage, and the determination to survive in a world that seems to be out to shit on people. There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Well, except change your diapers when you get old. I just don't think I could wipe poop off of your butt. I will if I have to, but if Jass could do that, I'd be so much happier.

My dad. What can I say about him? Growing up, I didn't see as much of you as I would have liked, but since you spent a good deal of time out of Missouri, I knew you couldn't make it here as often as you wanted. I know we've had our spats, like when I messed up your lawn mower blade, wore nail polish when you came over (mostly to mess with you and see what you would do), and made myself breakfast without making you any. I'm sure as the years go on, we'll argue and get pissed at each other, and I am perfectly fine with that. I know that no matter how much we may piss each other off, we will always put it behind us. As much as I am like mom, I am just as much like you. Everything from being a complete jack ass, to  allergies, to my short temper, to my refusal to take shit and deal with drama, to my ability to just not care what other people think of me, you have given me several very important tools to combat this world with. You have become the man that I measure myself up against. Everything that you have had to deal with in just my life time, and to still wear a smile on your face and seem generally happy when we hang out impresses me. You are the second half of my personal hero tag team. Just as with mom, I will do anything for you, especially not change your diapers, because I know you'd try to shit on me on purpose.

How can I talk about my parents without talking about my brothers and sisters? We will go in order of age. Jass, you and I have had quite the rocky road. I know I used to say some horrible things to you, and for no real reason. I think mostly because I wanted on the computer. Yeah, I used to be real mature that way. While you can be quite a bitch, I love you with fire that can't be put out. I long since decided that while I have made you feel like shit, if anyone else does, that's an ass-kicking. You're my sister, and only I am allowed to piss you off. For example, when you were pregnant with Zane, and you just blurted out that Chip raped you (or at least that's what my ears heard), I went out looking for him. I was fully prepared to go to prison for murder that night. Come to find out that he didn't, but still. I will always be there for you if you ever need anything. I might charge you a couple of cigarettes, but I'll be right there if I can.

Danny boy. Butt face. Turd sniffer. I must say, seeing you now, and comparing you to the child you were, you impress me. The fact that mom didn't kill you as a child is incredible. You were such a pain in the ass. As you grew older, you leveled out, and now you walk around with the strut and swagger of a bad ass, which makes me smile. While you are pretty impressive at the Guitar Hero, and I remember the cool stuff you would build with your Bionical pieces, what I most enjoy is your zero tolerance for bullshit. I recall a few episodes during the past school year or two. When you smacked around the kid that was picking on a handicapped kid, I wanted to be upset, but I could not. You stood up for someone that needed help, and that is an admiral trait in anyone. You probably shouldn't have punched him, but sometimes people just need a good thumpin'. The other instance was towards the end of your senior year. When you turned a kid's head into a punching bag for talking bad about your relationships, again, I wanted to be upset, but I couldn't. I would have done the exact same thing if I was in that situation, especially since you apparently warned him several times. You would think that, since I'm sure you had a reputation at that point for punching people, that they would just leave your ass alone. All I can say about that is now that you are out of highschool, try to avoid hitting people. Eventually you're going to come across someone who can take your punches, and kick your ass. While I believe that every man needs their ass kicked every now and then, it's best to try to avoid it as long as possible. Trust me, it's never fun. So, all I can say is to keep being your goofy, metal loving, no shit taking self. If you ever need anything, from lady problems to a possible violent eruption, I will have your back. My beard and your mustache will conquer all.

Damon, the man of the hour, the tower of power, too damn sweet to be sour! I would complain about you spending too much time in front of that computer, but I did the same damn thing when I was your age. Hell, I still do it now. I can't wait to see what you do with your life. You have an incredible sense of humor, and are smart as hell. I remember you asking me what math class I was taking in college, and being disappointed when you heard I was "only" in basic algebra. I got a good chuckle. When you and Jass get around each other is some of my favorite memories. Anyone else hearing you two would think you hated one another. I LOVE hearing and watching you guys fight. I still remember when you spent years refusing to wear pants, and were happy as hell to run around in your underwear all day. I hope that when you get older, you are able to return to that state. I want to visit you, and walk in to see you just lounging around in some Tidy Whiteys, in a perfect state of bliss. While we don't talk much, mostly because that would require you to peel your eyes from that monitor, I love the crap out of you, sir. I also know you probably won't read this, since you are entirely too cool to get on Facebook. So, hurry up, graduate high school, ace your way through college and get rich so the rest of us can mooch off of you.

Let's see, I'm forgetting someone...some beautiful lady...Oh right! Amanda. There are not enough words in any dictionary in any language to describe my feelings towards you. Before I met you, I was a miserable blob. I spent my days pissed at work, pissed at being poor, pissed at people for no reason other than because I wanted them to be as miserable as I was, but they weren't, which just made me even madder. When you came know, I'm not even afraid to admit it. We met on a dating website. There, I said it. We met the truly nerdy way, and I couldn't be happier about it. When we clicked on each others profiles, and started talking, I didn't have very high expectations. I had met chicks from that site before, and it never went well, so I figured it would just wind up the same way this time. How very wrong I was. In the past almost-two years, I can say I have been the happiest I have ever been. You have shown me what true love is. What I thought was love in the past can't even compare to what I feel for you. A few hours ago, when I was sitting outside in the dark, just thinking, what I wanted more than anything else, even more than a good cheeseburger, was you sitting there with me. While we have certainly had our arguments, and I know for a fact we will have many more as we grow older together, I love you more after each fight we have, because I know you will not put up with my shit, and that is exactly what I need in a woman. As I told you a year or so ago, if we were to break up, I'd be done. There is no way I could find a woman that is as caring, compassionate, honest, both beautiful on the inside as well as the outside, patient, and just simply incredible as you are. When I look into our future, I see us being successful in our careers because we push each other to do better, and having a couple of beautiful little turd ball kids. Will the kids piss us off? Oh yeah, especially if they take after me, but I know you will love them with such a burning passion that they will turn out to be wonderful. And if they don't, well, then I'd just take the belt to them. I'm kidding. I'd sell them on the Black Market. I know I'm not very good at showing my emotions and feelings most of the time, and you get mad at me for not being much of a talker and not being very romantic, I can tell you, from the very bottom on my heart, that you are my world. The thought of losing you is almost enough to send me into a depression. I know that your parents probably don't like me, but I don't care. We are meant to be together forever, irritating the shit out of each other until we die of old age. You have helped me become a better person on a whole. You were the one that finally talked me into getting off my ass and going to college. You will be the one to help me finally quit smoking eventually someday hopefully. You are the voice that goes through my head when I'm about to do something stupid, and talk me out of it. My love for you is like a giant spiked wrecking ball, destroying every single obstacle in my way. With you by my side, I will be happy forever, even if I want to shake the crap out of you some times.

I know there are other people I should mention, but it's 5am now, and I'm tired. So, to everyone else who might feel like I didn't talk about them in any of the above paragraphs, I appreciate and love you in a variety of ways that I'm just too tired to write about, to be honest. Now, I will end this, and go back to sitting on the porch, and smoke a cigarette before I pass out.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Buck Discusses the Horrible, Horrible Violence in Video Games

According to what a large number of researchers have determined, I should be one of the worst human beings to ever be placed on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. Why? In my life, I have seen an immeasurable amount of violence. I have seen just about every action film from the 1980s and 1990s, I watched professional wrestling for roughly 20 years week after week, I have seen a vast number of “slasher” horror films, many that feature “buckets of blood,” and I try to watch every mixed martial arts event that I can. However, worse of all, I also play video games. I have been playing video games since I was around five years old. My friends, family, and I have played just about every game that has come out, many of them violent in nature. I have played games where the goal is to rip the limbs from opponents, games where the player drives souped-up death machines and gets bonus points for running over innocent humans, and games where the player is an assassin and has to kill a large number of targets. To the uninitiated, that sounds like a perfect recipe for a mass murderer. There are a large number of “experts” out there who would have the public believe that video game violence leads to real world violence. Although there are many opponents of video games who believe that violent games are more popular, that they should have a government or federally regulated ratings system, and that violent games breed violent gamers, these statements simply are not true.

One of the most widely-believed sentiments is that violent video games are more popular than those that are not. The article Video Games and Violence states “Critics say that the increased level of violence in video games is a particularly disturbing trend because gamers seem to enjoy violent video games more than nonviolent ones” (“Video Games and Violence” par. 33). Games such as Mortal Kombat, Grand Theft Auto, and Call of Duty are criticized due to their focus on violent acts that the player has full control over. It is true that action oriented games do quite well in regards to sales numbers. What critics fail to mention, though, is how well other game genres do. Also in Video Games and Violence, “Roughly 15% of all games sold in 2005 were rated ‘M,’ or ‘Mature’” (“Video Games and Violence” par. 4). Last year, the number one selling game was “The New Super Mario Brothers Wii,” and it sold almost 15 million copies worldwide. According to Nintendo Co., Ltd’s “Financial Results Briefing” for the year 2010, the largest selling console game of all time, “Wii Sports”, has sold over 76 million units, beating every other game ever made by roughly 35 million units or more (“Financial Results Briefing” pg. 5). To say that violent video games are more popular than their non-violent counter parts is to simply ignore the sales numbers. While video games that feature violence do well, they will never do as well as family-friendly games.

With the current popularity of video games, and the opposition of the violent games, politicians have begun to question the authenticity of the current video game ratings system, the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB). Some politicians believe that children have easy access to buying M-rated games, and that there should be government involvement. According to Video Games and Violence, opponents also believe that it should be illegal for children to purchase M-rated video games, just as it is illegal for them to buy cigarettes and alcohol (“Video Games and Violence” par. 35). However, in many cities and states that had passed bills banning sales of violent games, judges have recently ruled that banning those sales were violating the First Amendment rights of the gamers, retailers, and game companies (“Video Games and Violence” par. 24). Most government officials are not well versed when it comes to video games, so to allow them to regulate what is or is not offensive or obscene would be disastrous. Since the ESRB deals strictly with video games, has done so for years, and is more than satisfactory in doing so, there is no reason to allow the government to form their own ratings board. It should also be noted that in most major retailers, the consumer must be 17 years or older to purchase an M-rated game. If the consumer is not old enough, their parent must buy it for them. If parents would stop buying their children the M-rated games, then I believe this would not be as big of an issue as it currently is.

Finally, and most importantly, is the claim that playing violent video games is a catalyst of real life violent behavior. In his article Video Games Foster Violent Behavior, David Bickham states that over time, playing violent video games can cause the player to become more aggressive, desensitize them to violence, and lead to them believe violence solves problems (Bickham par. 10). Take, for instance, the Columbine shootings. The shooters were believed to be fans of the computer game “Doom,” in which the player ran around, shooting demons and monsters. After receiving that information, the game was immediately blamed for inspiring the shooters to attack their classmates. With this information in mind, along with the fact that in recent years, video games have enjoyed a massive increase in popularity, it would be easy to assume that the youth of today are out, raising all sorts of trouble and causing the crime rate to sky-rocket. In all actuality, as Christopher Ferguson states in his article Video Games Have Become a Scapegoat for Violent Behavior, “Violent crime rates in the United States have gone down significantly since 1994 while video games have gotten more popular and more violent” (Ferguson par. 7). There are some that believe that because so many young adults are playing video games, they are using them to filter out whatever violent urges they may have. Violent behavior cannot be blamed solely on a form of media. There are too many factors to consider when trying to figure out what makes violent people behave that way to try to place the burden on a single source.

In the relatively short time I have spent on this planet, I have seen some horrific images and played graphically violent games, but that does not make me a potential killer. Using violent video games, or violent media in general, is not an effective means to figure out violent behavior. No matter how popular graphic games get, how much the government thinks it needs to regulate them, and despite that politicians think the games will make young adults murderous monsters, when thought about logically, video games will be revealed to be nothing more than just another distraction for those of us with a little spare time and money to burn.

Works Cited
Bickham, David S. “Video Games Foster Violent Behavior.” Media Violence 2009: n. pag. Print.
Ferguson, Christopher J. “Video Games Have Become a Scapegoat for Violent Behavior.” Chronicle of Higher Education 53 (2007): B20. Print.
“Financial Results Briefing.” Nintendo Company, Ltd. N.p., 28 Jan. 2011. Web. 18 Apr. 2011. <‌ir/‌pdf/‌2011/‌110128e.pdf#page=5>.
“Video Games and Violence.” Issues and Controversies. Issues and Controversies on File, 6 July 2007. Web. 4 Apr. 2011.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Cigarettes Bad! Alcohol Good! (Huh?)

Let me preface this by saying that I may be a little bias on this issue. I have been a smoker for roughly seven years now. I've tried to quit somewhere between eight and ten times, but it never works. Menthols are just too damn tasty, and my willpower is a bit weak sometimes. But, I have also been known to partake in a bit of booze from time to time. So this isn't a post about how I hate alcohol and people that drink it, or anything like that. Also, I did next to no research for this, so don't expect to see stats and "facts." So, why is smoking demonized in our society, while alcohol is glamorized?

Ok, so pretty much everyone knows that smoking is horrible for you. Lung cancer, throat cancer, probably ulcers, I'm sure you can get tumors and AIDS from smoking. Second hand smoke can, apparently, kill your babies, neighbors, co-workers, and friends. If you decide to smoke, you're pretty much saying you hate civilization and God. There is probably a good reason why we don't see tobacco ads in papers or on TV anymore. Probably because of all the people that "die" due to smoking. Well, not necessarily. My mother works at the local county health center, and she deals with death certificates. Apparently, when a person dies, if they have any history at all of smoking, then that is to be the cause of death. If a 97 year old woman dies, and she also happened to smoke, then smoking killed her. It surely wasn't the fact that she was 97 years old. Nope. Smoking clearly killed her. If someone dies, weighed 520 pounds, and smoked? Cigarettes, not the morbid obesity. A 33 year old man walking across the street, smoking a cigarette, hit by a semi? Smoking distracted him, and killed him with a semi. What I'm saying is that maybe, just maybe, those tobacco death stats are bullshit. Sure, smoking kills lots of people, but most likely not as many as we've been lead to believe.

I also don't really believe that second hand smoke is as murderous as they say. When I was a little dude, I had some horrible asthma. Regular breathing treatments at home and the hospital kind of bad. My mother smoked around me. You would think that if my lungs were already messed up with asthma, the second hand smoke would have surely killed me. Well, 20+ years later, I have become a smoker with very little problems with my lungs, besides whatever damage smoking has done to them, but that's neither here nor there. So, if you ask me, I think second hand smoke might have...improved my lungs? Maybe I had little sissy girl lungs at first, and once they got a shot of smokey-poison, they grew a pair of hairy nuts, and kicked asthma the hell out. I'm sure I'm wrong, but I do not care. Hell, my girlfriend hates smoke. When she goes over to my moms with me, where there is smoke flying around all over the place, she only really complains about the smell that latches on to her clothes, and that it bugs her eyes. She isn't bent over in pain, her lungs on fire due to the hellish second hand smoke. Nope, she's just irritated that she has to wear different clothes when she goes there. However, I'm sure second hand smoke is bad for sissy non-smokers. Just like dairy is bad for my sissy lactose-intolerant stomach. I don't demand that people make their food a certain way so I don't poop my brains out later. I eat/drink it, read a magazine in the bathroom, and go about my day.

Ok, now to booze. It has been declared by the medical community that drinking a glass of red wine every day is good for you. I can believe that. Quick question: How many people know someone, anyone at all, that drinks just one glass of red wine a day? Or have heard of someone that does? Even in the movies? I know all kinds of people that drink a few beers a day/night, or like to just booze it up until they can't remember anything anymore. I know someone that had to go to AA when he was in high school. I have an uncle who has somehow not died from years and years and years of rampant beer drinking every day. But anyone that just drinks one glass of wine? Nope. It is possible that I just don't know any "classy" people. With that I say "Fuck you, we have class falling out of our ass." And as far as the advertisements go, we are told to drink responsibly. Thinking about all the alcohol related traffic accidents, it doesn't really appear as though that message sinks in sometimes. You could always assign a designated driver, but that's just no fun. Being the DD for a group of friends sucks because, dammit, I want to drink, too.

I have heard some people say that they prefer the company of someone who is drinking rather than a smoker. Ok, let me toss a situation at you. You're sitting at home by yourself. It's nice and peaceful, you just cleaned everything up, it's the best your place has looked in years. You settle in to watch some high-quality sci-fi, when there's a knock at your door. You answer it, and there before you is someone who is so very clearly drunk (slurred speech, stumbling around, open liter of Jager in hand, loves everything) and someone who smells like they've been smoking the nastiest cigarettes all nightr, and even currently has a lit cigarette. If you had to pick only one of them to let inside your sparkling apartment, which would you pick? The very clearly drunk person, or the stinky smoker? If I were a betting man, I'd wager you would take the smoker. Why, you ask? It is very easy to deal with someone who smokes. Any smoker worth anything knows that sometimes you can't smoke inside, and when going over to someone's house, will ask permission before doing so. We all know how much it sucks to smoke out in the cold, but that's why we have heavy coats and hats (not gloves, they get in the way of smoking). And if you don't like the smell, well, give us some sort of spray, and we'll make ourselves stink good. It's also very easy to talk to a smoker, since we're calming down while we smoke, and it helps us think more clearly.

Someone hopped up on the booze, however, is a completely different story. First off, you have to be aware of what kind of person they are when they drink. Some are happy, some are sad, some are angry, some are stupid, etc. Unless you have prior experience with the person, it can be a rather unpleasant surprise when their drunk alter ego shows up. Ok, so you let the drunk guy in, and he's a happy drunk, so you lucked out. He stumbles in, knocks over some stuff of a table, spills his booze on your freshly cleaned carpet, admires your boobs if you happen to be a chick, calls you a gay if you happen to be a guy, throws up on your TV, and passes out. If he was a sad drunk, you'd have to deal with him crying and wanting all sorts of hugs. If he was an angry drunk then you probably got assaulted, and if he was a stupid drunk then he probably showed up at your door naked with an empty beer case on his head flirting with your bushes. Why are smokers the outcasts again?

Here's another scenario: What do you think when you're driving along in town, and you see someone smoking while they drive? Probably something like "Oh, he's smoking. I wonder what we're having for dinner tonight. I sure hope it's Hot Pockets!" When you see someone smoking while driving, I'm going to wager that most people don't give it any sort of second thought. Maybe if they had their windows rolled up, and had a kid in the car with them. Otherwise, it is of no real concern. Now let's say you're driving down the road, and see someone downing a fifth of Jack while driving. You would probably think something along the lines of "Oooohhhhhh fuck this!" and get the hell away from them as fast as possible, because you know there's going to be a wreck, and don't want to be involved with it. I don't think I've ever heard of any traffic accident cause by a smoker. I'm sure it's happened, but not with anywhere near the frequency of alcohol related accidents. But as long as they are drinking and driving responsibly, it's ok, right?

One final thing. The price of cigarettes is, indeed, ridiculous. A buddy of mine has said that where he lives, cartons are going for around $100 a shot. They raised the taxes on cigarettes a few years ago to help people decide to quit. However, the money that is gained from the cigarette tax hike goes towards health care for low-income families. So, they want you to quit so they raise the taxes, but they need that tax money to help poor families...? It's stupid shit like this that make me smoke.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Buck Reviews "My Best Friend's Girl"

A while back, I heard Dane Cook for the first time. I thought he was pretty funny in his own special way. Not the best comic I heard, but he made me chuckle. I do still enjoy his stand-up from time to time. When I heard he was going to start doing movies, I was curious. Usually, when an established comic goes into movies, they do fairly well. Richard Prior, Robin Williams, Rodney Dangerfield (if you want to consider his purposely-crappy movies good, which some do), and a few others I can't think of all have some decent movies. Bill Cosby, who is the best stand-up ever, had one of the best TV shows of all time. Which is why I was at least intrigued when I heard about Dane giving it a shot. Then I saw a few clips from Simon Sez, which was horrible. He was tolerable in Waiting, mostly because he was a bit character. Good Luck Chuck just sounded absolutely embarrassing, so I didn't even bother. I haven't seen the rest of his movies, but I don't think I have to. I'm sure he plays a super sexy/funny goof in all of them. If I'm wrong, I don't really care.

I can't really say why I decided to go and watch My Best Friend's Girl when it came out in the theater. The only logical conclusion I can make is that I wanted to see if he can do a good movie. If he can, this sure as hell isn't it. I hated it almost immediately, but since I paid almost $20 to see the damn thing, I stuck it out. Probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Easily the worst comedy I've seen, barely beating out Van Wilder (I'll probably do an entry on Ryan Renyolds at some point). Yesterday, I watched it again, and took notes so I can write about it here. So, without further ado, here is My Best Friend's Girl. Oh yeah, there's probably spoilers in here.

Dane Cook is Tank. Why is he called Tank? Because he gets hired by guys who get dumped by their girlfriends, gives them the worst night of their life, and the girl goes crying back to the guy they dumped. He "tanks" the date! Hilarity. Jason Biggs is Dustin, who is Tank's cousin/best friend. He's basically a fucking idiot, who has a "Bate Crate," which is a huge crate filled with porn, Dustin's most prized possession. Kate Hudson is Alexis, the girl that Dustin is going out with.

Movies starts with Tank going on a date with this chick. He's a dick the whole time, which is almost funny. She hates him, and calls her boyfriend wanting to get back together. Boyfriend is sitting in a bar with Tank, and hands him a wad of bills. Tank leaves, but gets stopped by the boyfriend, who is with another chick! Oh my goodness. Tank dissaproves. Character development! Tank gets home, where he and Dustin talk (they're roommates). Dustin says he loves his girlfriend Alexis, and is going to tell her. Tank says don't do it. Dustin is going to anyway.

So Dustin and Alexis go on a date, where Dustin is basically just an idiot, which will turn out to be his defining characteristic, next to him being a porn-a-holic. Dustin tells her that he loves her, and she freaks out. They've only been going out five weeks! Oh Dustin, you simpleton! She leaves him hanging. Dustin goes home, complains about the date, and asks Tank to work his magic with her. Tank says no, because he don't do family. Dustin says ok, takes his porn box, and enjoys the rest of his night. The next day, Dustin sees Alexis flirting with some guy at work. He flips out, calls Tank, and tells him to do it. The roller coaster of bullshit begins.

Tank starts off by meeting Alexis in the park while she's running. He trips and falls, gaining her sympathy and her number. They're going on a date. However, the night of the date, Alexis gets shit-hammered. While out, Tank tries all of his moves, but she's too drunk to be phased. At the end, she calls her roommate to talk about him, and she tells Alexis to hump him. Alexis throws the offer at Tank, who declines. Why? Because it turns out he has feelings for her! Plot development! Meanwhile, Tanks antics work, as Alexis calls Dustin, and they agree to have dinner the next day. During that dinner, Dustin is an idiot, and Alexis thinks they should take some time apart, because she basically never gets to have any fun. He says ok. He then goes behind Tanks back to set them up on a date! Oh no! Tank doesn't want to, because he's trying to keep Dustin's best interest at heart. But he does it anyway.

Now we get to see what Tank does for a living. Apparently he works at some sort of tech-help call center, where he plays old Nintendo games, because he is so retro. Also, I guess he gives seminars? In any case, he gives a speech to a group about how to deal with customers. He tells his assistant (?) to give him a real angry caller, which he will put on speaker phone for the group to hear. It's Alexis on the phone! But he doesn't know, so she yells at him about the horrible date, but never actually mentions that it was a date, so Tank is hilariously oblivious, until the end, when she mocks him for giving up a shot at free sex. Ohhhhhhh the hilarity. Tank goes to her apartment, and they argue, which, naturally, leads to them boning. Duh.

Tank and Dustin have a talk, where Tank tries to tell him to just let her go. Dustin doesn't want to, but he's decided that it's ok if they are total BFFs. So, now we see Dustin doing all sorts of kooky, hilariously nice things for Alexis. However, since Tank is such a nice guy and a totally good friend to Dusty, he bangs the ever loving shit out of Alexis while Dustin is treating her to presents and food. What a good friend and cousin Tank is. Eventually, Tank decides he's going to help Dusty get himself some poon, so they go to a barber to get him all spruced up. Dustin wants the girl cutting his hair to trim his uni-brow (hahah), when Tank says something which suprises him. He turns his head suddenly, and the girl shaves off his eye brow! AHAHEHAHEHAH To try to even it out, they have Dustin shave off the other one! Ha-ha-larious! The laughs just never stop. Because they'd have to start first. Now Dustin goes on a date, and has painted on eye brows. The girl he's taking out is a mother, and when he sees her, she's breast feeding her baby. Dustin, trying to be super smooth, look at her and says, "I'll have what he's having." Get it?! He wants to suck on her boob! EAHEAHEHAEHAEHAAA! God, I fucking hate this movie.

So, now that the date is ruined, Dustin runs to Alexis' apartment. The roommate tells him it's a bad time because she's with someone. He goes to go up to her room, when... ... ... ALEXIS COMES RIDING PIGGY BACK ON TANK DOWN THE STAIRS! Oh shit! Of course, Dustin is a little pissed, since he didn't know she was with Tank. They both go to leave through the front door at the same time, and they get stuck for a second because the doorway isn't big enough for two people! Oh, the chuckles flow freely even during a dramatic moment! Dustin tells Tank he is to get the hell out of his apartment by the morning. What a dick! So, Tank lives in his car, because that asshole Dustin over-reacted when he found out he was humping the girl he very openly has feelings for. Some people, am I right?

Now we meet Tank's dad, played by Alec Baldwin. He gives seminars to women about being empowered or whatever. But, wait a minute, he's a womanizing dickwad, just like Tank! Double the laughs! That's really all you need to know about Tank's dad. Oh, he also has a young, smoking babe of an ass-istant that he humps. This movie has something for every body!

The rest of the movie just dissolves into a whirlwind of bullshit. Tank takes Alexis to a high school prom, which is odd, since they both appear to be in their mid-30s. I guess you can do that when you're TANK. Alexis decides to call Dustin, only because she wanted him to help her pick out a dress for her sisters wedding. Instead of inviting him, she invites Tank. PLOT TWIST! Remember the guy from the beginning of the movie? That had Tank give the chick a horrible date, and then the boyfriend left with another chick? He's marrying Alexis' sister! OH NO! He threatens to expose Tank if Tank exposes him. D-R-A-M-A. Tank does not approve. Meanwhile, off in the distance, a storm is brewing. Alexis' sister is the one that Tank went on the date with! She tells Alexis all about it, but it's ok, because Alexis loves Tank. Awww. Tank over hears this, and has a moment of reflection in the bathroom, where he decides that it's in her best interest if she is not with him.

It is at this point that the only almost funny parts of the movie kick in. If you've seen the trailer, it highlights this part. Tank basically goes around and just acts a complete fool all over this wedding, insulting a priest and a rabbi, interrupting the married couples dance just to throw up on the dance floor, drops some old lady while helping hoist her up in a chair, and shows Alexis' mom his wiener. Sadly, it took the movie almost an hour and 20 minutes to almost make me smirk. Eventually Dustin shows up to crash the wedding, and tells everyone all about Tank. This is when Alexis learns that Tank goes out with chicks just to make their boyfriends look good. What's gonna happen next in this tornado of emotions?

Now, at the end of the movie, Tank, his dad, and Dustin are sitting on top of some building having drinks, which makes no sense, because Dustin hates Tank, unless I didn't pay attention for a few minutes and they made up. Anyway, Dustin now gives Tank full permission to go after Alexis (???), but Tank doesn't know if he should. Three months later, Tank is having dinner with some chick. Alexis walks in, splashes wine in his face, they get into a huge fight, and, of course, they wind up basically humping right in the middle of the restaurant. Aww, I knew those two crazy kids were gonna make it!

I hear you saying, "But what happened to Dustin?" Let me tell you. He is hanging out with Tank's dad at a bar, who is apparently giving him dating advice. So, he goes up to a chick to talk to her. Which chick? Alexis' roommate! They go back to a bedroom. Alexis' roommate warns him that she's not normal. "Why's that" he asks. She produces a back pack, and dumps about 50 economy sized dildos on the bed. How does Dustin respond? Why, by dumping his 'Bate Crate on the bed! The perfect couple! The Porn Czar and the Dildo Queen! Happy ending all across the board!

I've seen some just bad movies in my day. I've sat through Queen of the Damned, Van Wilder, Death Proof, Rock Horror Picture Show, etc. This one was just on another level. And the fact that it made $40 million worldwide just makes me sad. What this movie is saying is that if you're good looking, you can be a complete and utter dick to a girl, and she'll still like you. If I'm wrong, I really want someone to correct me, because that is all I got from that movie. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a Dog-Turd-Covered-In-Cat-Vomit. Horrible acting, story is an abomination, you have to see Dane Cook's bare ass, and it's just a huge nail in the coffin of Alec Baldwin's career.