When I was a wee little lad, I basically believed in God. Well, as much as a child can believe in something like that. As I grew older, I felt less and less like waking up early to go to church, and on Wednesdays I preferred to sit around, watch TV, play video games, or go hang out with friends. It took a few more years for me to come to terms with my lack of belief. A major factor in that decision was when I went to a summer church camp with a couple of the kids from the neighborhood we lived in at the time. After having what little money I had stolen, basically being avoided by everyone for whatever reason, and just having a horrible time all around (I don't remember any concrete details, as I was maybe 13 at the time), I decided that if that is how religious people wanted to act, then I didn't want to have anything to do with them. Moving through my teenage years, I basically became an atheist, which led to a couple of awkward conversations with some of my friends who were deeply religious and concerned about my soul or whatever. I appreciated it, but really didn't have any time for any of that. For the majority of my teenage years, I was a pretty serious atheist, because I was a teenager, and thus I knew everything. As the years have gone by, I have a much more relaxed view on the whole religion thing. If anything, I am an agnostic, unless someone is aggressively trying to "convert" me, then I just lean back on my atheism, mostly to get them to leave me the hell alone. I realize that there is no real way to prove whether or not God actually exists until we die, and at that point, who are we going to tell?
As a whole, I have no real issue with any religion. The idea of religion has done no real damage to anyone ever. I have always viewed the Bible as a book that serves as a guideline to being a good person. Granted, some of the stuff in the Old Testament is pretty extreme, but those stories were told to help straighten people out. The "fear of God" is a pretty powerful thing, and can be a very good motivator. It's when people start taking the stories from the Bible and try to use them to affect what other people do that I cannot stand. The best example I can think of is homosexuality. I will admit that I'd rather not see two big, burly dudes go at each others' business, but I also understand that what they do is their business, and is none of mine. If they want to stick things in each others butts, as long as they don't ask for my help, then I'm cool with it. Once the more opinionated of the religious got wind of the idea of homosexuality, it all went to shit. Then government officials threw their hats into the fray. Holy shit. Thankfully, homosexuals are finally starting to get the rights they should've always had. The treatment of homosexuals are only a couple of baby steps above what we used to do to African Americans, and that's mostly because most of us don't go around, trying to kill them. It's fucking ridiculous. If two grown adults want to be a couple, get married, and grow to hate each other like every other couple, who cares if they both have matching parts? I hope that we have a gay president before I die. The only real issue I have with anything relating to homosexuality is the cross dressing, and that's really only because most guys make some horrible looking women. I'm all about doing what you want, but come on. Do something extra to make yourself look sexy if you're going to dress as the opposite sex. Anyway...
On a related note, I hope Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church fucking die. Seriously, he and his crew should be executed and I will dance the happiest dance of joy the day that man dies. Hopefully in a fire. With the rest of his family. Moving on.
One thing I have noticed about being an agnostic/atheist is that other religions don't exactly appreciate it. I vividly remember a time when I was banned from my friends grandparents and, if I remember correctly, parents house. What had happened was a couple of us were over at his grandparents house, staying up late and hanging out in the living room, probably playing video games or watching anime. Apparently, I said something regarding religion. I say apparently because I don't have any recollection of it, since the two friends I was with were deeply religious, and I'd like to think that I'd at least keep my mouth shut about that topic around them. I guess I didn't, and his grandparents heard it somehow. A few days or so later I learn that I'm not allowed back there because of whatever I said. I understand why they'd be upset, but to be banned is a little much. I think a similar episode happened with his parents, but I'm not exactly sure. Another example happened in my first semester of college. I had to give a speech for my Speech class, and I decided it was a good idea to talk to a class full of religious people about how being an atheist doesn't make you evil. We had to post our speech topic on a discussion board where we would all comment on each others topics. A couple said they were interested in hearing what I had to say, and that they agreed with me. However, most of them said that if they were talking to an atheist they would choose to dismiss them based solely on the fact that they did not believe in God. That reaction didn't surprise me one bit. Most religious people seem to be all for religious freedom as long as you agree with what they believe in.
I'm losing my steam and getting off track, but the basic gist of what I'm talking about is this: For a group that worship Jesus, who has been said to be a peaceful man who loved everyone regardless of their flaws, Christians and Catholics and all the others seem to have a lot of hate for a lot of different people, mostly because they don't agree. If anyone out there reads this, and is deeply religious, and hates anyone for any reason simply because they have some different view of what is acceptable (sexuality, religion, whatever), maybe you should read a little more about what your savior preached.
Ok, I officially have ran out of things to say about this. GROUP HUG!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
True Story
My World Literature teacher asked us to share a story that relates to what Odysseus went through in the epic poem "The Odyssey." Since it has to be true, I could only think of one story. This is all 100% fact.
While watching the Odyssey, I remembered a time in my life that is strikingly familiar to the film. My girlfriend and I went on a trip to the city, where we stopped at Fudruckers for a bite to eat. It was there that I tackled the challenge of eating a TWO POUND cheeseburger. As a lover of all things cheeseburger, I knew that I had to eat the entire thing, otherwise I am not a real man. After an epic battle of wills between me and my meaty nemesis, I emerged victorious. It was the proudest moment of my life. As I was standing on the table, bellowing out my battle cry, a roaming band of Vikings kicked the doors in. Too preoccupied with my unearthly roar, I did not notice them charging me from behind. I started spinning around just in time to see a massive war hammer thundering towards my skull. All went black. When I awoke, I noticed that my girlfriend was gone. I asked one of the servant girls where she went, and she told me that the Vikings took her. As I stood, eyes fixed upon the horizon, the young wench asked me what I wanted to do with my cheeseburger eating trophy. I told her that if I do not return before her son grows a beard, they were to give it to someone else. She said something about not having a child, but I was not listening. I tightened up the laces on my combat boots, and set off. For vengeance.
As a Viking myself, I have known where all the local Vikings hang out my entire life, so I headed towards the nearest unpillaged village. Unfortunately, they were nowhere to be found. As I strolled through, a figure emerged. Upon closer inspection, he was a giant of a man who had suffered a lasting injury to his eye at some point, as he was wearing an eye patch. Brandishing a large club-like object, he obstructed my path. I asked if he had seen any Vikings lately, which he found hilarious apparently, because he started laughing, which only served to infuriate me further. As he was laughing, I charged him. I leaped towards his head, and buried my hand into his eye, and pulled it out. He clutched his open eyeball wound, screaming “Nobody does this to Polyphemus!” Turning my back to him, walking off in the distance, I said, “My guidance counselor always said I would grow up to be a…” I paused to put my sun glasses on. “…Nobody.” Then I snapped my fingers, and he exploded as someone screamed “Yeeeaaahhh!” and “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who started playing. I marched on.
After several years of traveling and killing bad guys, I finally located the Vikings that stole my girlfriend. Most of them, having heard the tales of my bloody crusade across the lands, fled, because they knew better. However, one man stayed behind. As I approached him, he informed me that he would release my girlfriend back to me, but on one condition: I had to defeat the incredible beast Scylla. I informed him that I butter my toast with Scylla every morning, and demanded he take me to the creature. As he led up to the cliff side overlooking the horrible creature, I shoved the Viking over the cliff, into the waiting maw of the abomination because I am a man, not a moron. To my surprise, when it ate the Viking, it began to shake. Seconds later, it exploded. “Hmm,” I said. “I guess it was a vegetarian.” I found my girlfriend, we hopped on my portable bag of air, and we flew home.
True story.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Buck Tries a Cage Fight and Discovers Time Travel
There comes a time in every male's life that he must journey from childhood to manhood. While everyone enters "adulthood" at 18, it usually takes a special event to truly make a man a man. That day came to me when I had decided to take my decade of martial arts experience, and test it out in an amateur cage fight. Just a short time after my 25th birthday, I signed the paper to what would be me almost getting beaten to death. After dropping almost 20 pounds to fight at 140 lbs, and upping my training to help prepare, I felt I was ready to show everyone just how badass I was. Oh, how wrong I was.
Allow me to take you on a journey. You see, when I heard that my opponent was a very good high school wrestler, naturally I assumed that he was going to try to use his wrestling background to his advantage. I practiced my take down defenses for a few weeks, and got decent at them. My ju jutsu was good enough that I didn't have to worry too much about what would happen if/when he did take me down. With that being said, here is a timeline of events as I experienced them:
2:35 : We touch gloves, and circle. I, expertly, position myself with my back close to the cage. You know, so I can't get away from his punches. He throws a test jab, I lob my foot up towards his face, which he sees as an opening.
2:45 : I notice something rocketing towards my face.
3:08 : I wake up. I am confused. I was just standing up. How could I be on my back? I assumed we were still fighting.
3:44 : After holding on for deal life long enough to remember how this whole ju jutsu thing works, I attempt an arm bar, only to realize just how strong this son of a bitch is. So I throw weak-ass punches to the side of his hair.
4:00 : He leans back, I see that familiar rocket coming towards my face again. I decide it's a good time to fall back asleep.
4:12 : I wake up while screaming "Matte!" at the ref. FYI, matte means "wait" in Japanese, or in this instance, "God dammit, get him off of me!" The ref saves my life, and Bobby celebrates as I lay there for a second. I barely remember hearing my sensei ask me if I need help walking. I don't say anything, opting instead to just lean on him as he walks me back up the stairs.
You may have noticed there are a few gaps in my memory. That is because those times are when I stumbled upon time travel. Some may call it "being unconscious," but those people are wrong. Literally the only thing that kept this fight going for longer than 30 seconds is the fact that, after he punched my eyes into the back of my skull, I fell against the cage, thus was "able" to "stand" for a little bit longer. Until I went for a expertly executed throw, which landed me on my back. So scientists, listen up. The secret to time travel is having someone try to put their fist through your head. Surprised it hadn't been thought of before.
So yeah. That is my attempt at a cage fight. After gaining what little composure I had back, I congratulated Bobby on his victory, and then we all went to eat at Hardie's. For some reason, the people working the counter that night looked at me really weird. For the life of me, I can't imagine why.
Allow me to take you on a journey. You see, when I heard that my opponent was a very good high school wrestler, naturally I assumed that he was going to try to use his wrestling background to his advantage. I practiced my take down defenses for a few weeks, and got decent at them. My ju jutsu was good enough that I didn't have to worry too much about what would happen if/when he did take me down. With that being said, here is a timeline of events as I experienced them:
2:35 : We touch gloves, and circle. I, expertly, position myself with my back close to the cage. You know, so I can't get away from his punches. He throws a test jab, I lob my foot up towards his face, which he sees as an opening.
2:45 : I notice something rocketing towards my face.
3:08 : I wake up. I am confused. I was just standing up. How could I be on my back? I assumed we were still fighting.
3:44 : After holding on for deal life long enough to remember how this whole ju jutsu thing works, I attempt an arm bar, only to realize just how strong this son of a bitch is. So I throw weak-ass punches to the side of his hair.
4:00 : He leans back, I see that familiar rocket coming towards my face again. I decide it's a good time to fall back asleep.
4:12 : I wake up while screaming "Matte!" at the ref. FYI, matte means "wait" in Japanese, or in this instance, "God dammit, get him off of me!" The ref saves my life, and Bobby celebrates as I lay there for a second. I barely remember hearing my sensei ask me if I need help walking. I don't say anything, opting instead to just lean on him as he walks me back up the stairs.
You may have noticed there are a few gaps in my memory. That is because those times are when I stumbled upon time travel. Some may call it "being unconscious," but those people are wrong. Literally the only thing that kept this fight going for longer than 30 seconds is the fact that, after he punched my eyes into the back of my skull, I fell against the cage, thus was "able" to "stand" for a little bit longer. Until I went for a expertly executed throw, which landed me on my back. So scientists, listen up. The secret to time travel is having someone try to put their fist through your head. Surprised it hadn't been thought of before.
So yeah. That is my attempt at a cage fight. After gaining what little composure I had back, I congratulated Bobby on his victory, and then we all went to eat at Hardie's. For some reason, the people working the counter that night looked at me really weird. For the life of me, I can't imagine why.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Buck Presents: Tales from the Hotel: Customers are Fucking Idiots
As a continuation of my previous post, here are a couple of tales from my time as a front desk clerk. These stories wouldn't make much of an article individually, so I slammed three of them together. Enjoy my suffering.
Old Lady vs Parking Lot
I'm working the front desk at the hotel one night, when an old lady comes in. She wants a room for the night. I give her one. She asks where she can park, and I instruct her to drive around to the other side of the building to the very clearly visible and large parking lot that has other cars parked within it. She takes her key, goes back to her car, and she begins to drive off. I watch as she pulls back onto the road and takes off towards the highway. I assume that she is going to take care of whatever other business she has, and think nothing else of it.
About five minutes later she drives back to the front of the hotel. As she walks towards me, I can tell she is a little irritated. She asks me where the parking lot is again, and again I tell her it's on the other side of the building, complete with me pointing the direction for her to go. She accepts the answer, and goes back to her car. This time I watch her, and she gets back on the road and heads towards the highway again. I am befuddled. Roughly five minutes later she comes back, angry at me because I keep giving her wrong directions to the parking lot. Now, I'm not much of a people person, especially when it comes to dumb people. When she got huffy and puffy with me over my directions, it took every ounce of my being to not yell back and/or laugh. Since this old lady is clearly missing some important parts in her brain, I very calmly and slowly explain to her that if she drives forward, stays off of the road, and just drive right along side the building, she will find the parking lot quite easily. She was still pissed as she left, and actually found the parking lot this time.
Naturally, the next day I came in and discovered that she filed a complaint against me to the manager, so I got wrote up. Dumb ass old broad.
Grandma and Grandpa Want Some Alone Time
Sitting around behind the front desk again, and an old couple and what I assumed where their grand kids come in. They get a single room with two beds, and take off (they managed to find the parking lot). A little while later the old guy comes down and asks if we have any kind of divider he can rent. I'm sure I looked at him a little funny, since no one had ever asked if we had something like that. He goes on to explain that he and his wife, direct quote, "want some alone time." I stare at him for a few seconds, and then ask, "What?" He repeats himself. Grandma and Grandpa wanna hump, but don't want to kids to see it. I tell him that I would see if I can find anything for him, but I didn't think we had anything. I tell him I'd give his room a call, and he heads back to his room. I didn't even bother to look, so I called and gave him the negative.
He comes back down about an hour later. Apparently he and his wife really want to get some nasty, so he asks if it is possible to get another room. I tell him yes, and gave him the price of another room. He doesn't like the thought of paying for two rooms, and asks if they could just split the cost of one room over both rooms. Basically, he wanted a free room for the kids to roam around in while they slap their genitals together. Again, I look at him confused, and tell him that there is no way I can do that, and I would probably get fired if I did. I make the offer of a second room again, but he doesn't have enough money for it, so he just sadly walked back to his room.
I felt kind of bad for him. Old man just wanted to get him some, but there wasn't anything I could do unless he was willing to pay.
The Day I Almost Beat Two Guys with a Club
Towards the end of my tenure at the hotel as a front desk clerk, these two road workers came in. I'll call them Frank and Dan. From day one, they were a constant pain in my ass. They didn't like the weekly rate we gave them, which was about $20 a night under the regular price. They demanded to see the list of our taxes, which I refused to show them, mostly because I didn't think we even had such a list. If they didn't have the same room from week to week, they were pissed. They didn't understand the pre-authorization process (basically, a pre-auth makes sure you have enough money on your credit/debit card to cover the room and any other charges), and that pissed them off. For about a full month, every week day they would come down to bitch at me for one reason or another, and every time I would have to explain to them that I couldn't do anything because all the management went home at 5pm, so I was the only person there and they would have to wait until the morning to talk to anyone in charge. They never understood that very complicated idea, so we argued every day.
The day I almost snapped on them was a day from hell. I came in to work, and was told that we had a very large bus tour coming in and would be giving the hotel a large sum of money, so they took priority over the other guests. So all the road/construction/railroad workers that were used to getting their way would be pissed, and guess who would have to deal with them. Lucky me. After about four or five hours of dealing with large, pissed off workers complaining about not getting the same rooms they usually got, Dan shows up. He is talking on his cell phone as he goes to check in. He and Frank usually get a smoking room, but because of the tour they didn't get one, though we were able to put them on the bottom floor, which has a door to the outside so they can still smoke. As he is filling out the paper work, I point out to him that we had to move them to a different room, which he was ok with. I also informed him that it was a non-smoking room, and pointed out our Non-Smoking Policy (if they smoke in the room, we WILL charge them $250, since it is a non-smoking room). I point out the highlighted $250 on the paperwork, and make him sign it, which means he understands the non-smoking portion. He signs it, gets his key, and goes to his room.
Frank shows up about 20 minutes later. He is not talking on the phone, so I have his undivided attention. I inform him that they are in a different room, that it is a non-smoking room, that he has to sign the Non-Smoking agreement, all of that. He fills the paper out, signs his name at the bottom, takes his key, and goes to the room. Low and behold, about 15 minutes later here they come, and they look PISSED. They bitch about not having the same room they usually do. I inform them that I told them both about the room change, and they both said that it was fine. Dan said he was on his phone, so I should have made it more clear. I agree with him, but point out that Frank was not incumbered in any way, and he was fine with it. Then they get into the non-smoking thing. They bitch and bitch and moan and complain, they reserved a smoking room, smokers have rights too, etc etc. I wait for them to stop, calmly take out their individual paper work, and point out that they both signed the non-smoking clause and said they understood it. Dan said he was on his phone, yadda yadda. I ask if he always signs things without understand what he's signing for, and then point out that I had Frank's complete attention, so if he wanted to complain, he should have done so before he signed it. They continue to yell at me, and I just sit back in my chair, and tell them that if they want to do anything about it, they will have to do so in the morning when management is there. They huff and puff their way back to their room.
About an hour later they come back down. They are both smoking as they walk into the lobby. Our lobby is a non-smoking lobby. They come to tell me that they can smoke wherever they want. They give the hotel almost $400 a week, and that gives them the right to do whatever they want. I tell them that for the same price, they can rent out an apartment for an entire month. Frank blows smoke in my face. I'm a smoker, so it didn't bother me too much, but it did strike me as very disrespectful. I inform them that our lobby is non-smoking, to which they laugh. I then tell them that if they don't leave the lobby, I can have them removed from the hotel, I would charge them $250 a piece for smoking in the lobby, and I would charge them the regular, full price for their room. They said I didn't have the power to do that, which is true. So I called the general manager, informed him of what was going on, and he gave me the go-ahead. I handed the phone to Dan so he could hear it straight from the boss man's mouth. Dan tried to pull some shit, but boss man wasn't having any of it, and told Dan that either they could smoke outside, or stay at another hotel. Dan hangs the phone up, and he and Frank continue to bitch. While this is happening, I just keep thinking about a "key ring" we have that has all the master keys and maintenance keys on it. When I say "ring," I actually mean a solid, wooden club that's about a foot and a half long, and about an inch thick. All I really wanted to do was take the club, and smash them in the face with it. Since I didn't want to go to jail for murder, I instead sat back down in my chair, and told them that if they want to keep bitching, they will have to do so in the morning. They get all red-faced, and head back to their room.
Later that night, I wrote my resignation, telling management that if I didn't quit, I was going to assault them with the club, and probably bring a lawsuit upon the hotel. They appreciated my honesty, and let me resign.
Two weeks after I quit, Frank and Dan fucking left, and never came back.
So, in conclusion, if you ever stay at a hotel, please be nice to the front desk clerks. You never know if they have a solid, blunt object at the ready.
Old Lady vs Parking Lot
I'm working the front desk at the hotel one night, when an old lady comes in. She wants a room for the night. I give her one. She asks where she can park, and I instruct her to drive around to the other side of the building to the very clearly visible and large parking lot that has other cars parked within it. She takes her key, goes back to her car, and she begins to drive off. I watch as she pulls back onto the road and takes off towards the highway. I assume that she is going to take care of whatever other business she has, and think nothing else of it.
About five minutes later she drives back to the front of the hotel. As she walks towards me, I can tell she is a little irritated. She asks me where the parking lot is again, and again I tell her it's on the other side of the building, complete with me pointing the direction for her to go. She accepts the answer, and goes back to her car. This time I watch her, and she gets back on the road and heads towards the highway again. I am befuddled. Roughly five minutes later she comes back, angry at me because I keep giving her wrong directions to the parking lot. Now, I'm not much of a people person, especially when it comes to dumb people. When she got huffy and puffy with me over my directions, it took every ounce of my being to not yell back and/or laugh. Since this old lady is clearly missing some important parts in her brain, I very calmly and slowly explain to her that if she drives forward, stays off of the road, and just drive right along side the building, she will find the parking lot quite easily. She was still pissed as she left, and actually found the parking lot this time.
Naturally, the next day I came in and discovered that she filed a complaint against me to the manager, so I got wrote up. Dumb ass old broad.
Grandma and Grandpa Want Some Alone Time
Sitting around behind the front desk again, and an old couple and what I assumed where their grand kids come in. They get a single room with two beds, and take off (they managed to find the parking lot). A little while later the old guy comes down and asks if we have any kind of divider he can rent. I'm sure I looked at him a little funny, since no one had ever asked if we had something like that. He goes on to explain that he and his wife, direct quote, "want some alone time." I stare at him for a few seconds, and then ask, "What?" He repeats himself. Grandma and Grandpa wanna hump, but don't want to kids to see it. I tell him that I would see if I can find anything for him, but I didn't think we had anything. I tell him I'd give his room a call, and he heads back to his room. I didn't even bother to look, so I called and gave him the negative.
He comes back down about an hour later. Apparently he and his wife really want to get some nasty, so he asks if it is possible to get another room. I tell him yes, and gave him the price of another room. He doesn't like the thought of paying for two rooms, and asks if they could just split the cost of one room over both rooms. Basically, he wanted a free room for the kids to roam around in while they slap their genitals together. Again, I look at him confused, and tell him that there is no way I can do that, and I would probably get fired if I did. I make the offer of a second room again, but he doesn't have enough money for it, so he just sadly walked back to his room.
I felt kind of bad for him. Old man just wanted to get him some, but there wasn't anything I could do unless he was willing to pay.
The Day I Almost Beat Two Guys with a Club
Towards the end of my tenure at the hotel as a front desk clerk, these two road workers came in. I'll call them Frank and Dan. From day one, they were a constant pain in my ass. They didn't like the weekly rate we gave them, which was about $20 a night under the regular price. They demanded to see the list of our taxes, which I refused to show them, mostly because I didn't think we even had such a list. If they didn't have the same room from week to week, they were pissed. They didn't understand the pre-authorization process (basically, a pre-auth makes sure you have enough money on your credit/debit card to cover the room and any other charges), and that pissed them off. For about a full month, every week day they would come down to bitch at me for one reason or another, and every time I would have to explain to them that I couldn't do anything because all the management went home at 5pm, so I was the only person there and they would have to wait until the morning to talk to anyone in charge. They never understood that very complicated idea, so we argued every day.
The day I almost snapped on them was a day from hell. I came in to work, and was told that we had a very large bus tour coming in and would be giving the hotel a large sum of money, so they took priority over the other guests. So all the road/construction/railroad workers that were used to getting their way would be pissed, and guess who would have to deal with them. Lucky me. After about four or five hours of dealing with large, pissed off workers complaining about not getting the same rooms they usually got, Dan shows up. He is talking on his cell phone as he goes to check in. He and Frank usually get a smoking room, but because of the tour they didn't get one, though we were able to put them on the bottom floor, which has a door to the outside so they can still smoke. As he is filling out the paper work, I point out to him that we had to move them to a different room, which he was ok with. I also informed him that it was a non-smoking room, and pointed out our Non-Smoking Policy (if they smoke in the room, we WILL charge them $250, since it is a non-smoking room). I point out the highlighted $250 on the paperwork, and make him sign it, which means he understands the non-smoking portion. He signs it, gets his key, and goes to his room.
Frank shows up about 20 minutes later. He is not talking on the phone, so I have his undivided attention. I inform him that they are in a different room, that it is a non-smoking room, that he has to sign the Non-Smoking agreement, all of that. He fills the paper out, signs his name at the bottom, takes his key, and goes to the room. Low and behold, about 15 minutes later here they come, and they look PISSED. They bitch about not having the same room they usually do. I inform them that I told them both about the room change, and they both said that it was fine. Dan said he was on his phone, so I should have made it more clear. I agree with him, but point out that Frank was not incumbered in any way, and he was fine with it. Then they get into the non-smoking thing. They bitch and bitch and moan and complain, they reserved a smoking room, smokers have rights too, etc etc. I wait for them to stop, calmly take out their individual paper work, and point out that they both signed the non-smoking clause and said they understood it. Dan said he was on his phone, yadda yadda. I ask if he always signs things without understand what he's signing for, and then point out that I had Frank's complete attention, so if he wanted to complain, he should have done so before he signed it. They continue to yell at me, and I just sit back in my chair, and tell them that if they want to do anything about it, they will have to do so in the morning when management is there. They huff and puff their way back to their room.
About an hour later they come back down. They are both smoking as they walk into the lobby. Our lobby is a non-smoking lobby. They come to tell me that they can smoke wherever they want. They give the hotel almost $400 a week, and that gives them the right to do whatever they want. I tell them that for the same price, they can rent out an apartment for an entire month. Frank blows smoke in my face. I'm a smoker, so it didn't bother me too much, but it did strike me as very disrespectful. I inform them that our lobby is non-smoking, to which they laugh. I then tell them that if they don't leave the lobby, I can have them removed from the hotel, I would charge them $250 a piece for smoking in the lobby, and I would charge them the regular, full price for their room. They said I didn't have the power to do that, which is true. So I called the general manager, informed him of what was going on, and he gave me the go-ahead. I handed the phone to Dan so he could hear it straight from the boss man's mouth. Dan tried to pull some shit, but boss man wasn't having any of it, and told Dan that either they could smoke outside, or stay at another hotel. Dan hangs the phone up, and he and Frank continue to bitch. While this is happening, I just keep thinking about a "key ring" we have that has all the master keys and maintenance keys on it. When I say "ring," I actually mean a solid, wooden club that's about a foot and a half long, and about an inch thick. All I really wanted to do was take the club, and smash them in the face with it. Since I didn't want to go to jail for murder, I instead sat back down in my chair, and told them that if they want to keep bitching, they will have to do so in the morning. They get all red-faced, and head back to their room.
Later that night, I wrote my resignation, telling management that if I didn't quit, I was going to assault them with the club, and probably bring a lawsuit upon the hotel. They appreciated my honesty, and let me resign.
Two weeks after I quit, Frank and Dan fucking left, and never came back.
So, in conclusion, if you ever stay at a hotel, please be nice to the front desk clerks. You never know if they have a solid, blunt object at the ready.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Buck Presents: Tales from the Hotel: The Orgy Room
I have spent about two and a half years working in the hotel business. I spent four months as a front desk clerk, two years as a janitor/bed maker/maintenance man, and have recently began a job as a house keeper. In my time working in the hotel business, my eyes have been opened to a whole world I never knew existed. I knew that people can be absolutely disgusting. I've seen things in the four-ish years as a janitor to know that when people leave their homes, they do not give half a shit around being clean and tidy. However, when I started helping the house keepers by making the beds in their rooms, I was impressed by the condition people leave their rooms in. One of my favorite rooms that I, thankfully, did not have to help with, was the Orgy Room.
I go in to work one Sunday, already knowing that the day will suck. Sundays used to be the busy days at that point, and after I finished with my janitor duties, I would help the house keepers by making their beds, which could take four or five extra hours some days. This day was no different. I finish my janitor crap, and begin making beds. An hour or so later, one of the keepers yelled for me. She told me that I "have to see this room." Immediately I am excited. Every time I am told that I must see something, I am filled with a sense of joy. I bound down the hall to the room she was in, enter the room, and am stopped dead in my tracks.
I have heard that from time to time, sex parties get thrown, even in the crappy little town I live in. I have never seen the aftermath of one, so when I stepped into this room, I was stunned. As I scanned the room, this is what I saw:
Kids, if you are going to have a little sex party, and decide to have it in a hotel, please take care of your trash. While it is funny to think about leaving your "used paraphernalia" for someone else to deal with, it's just not nice. Or your could leave a nice tip for the house keeper. That might make it better.
I go in to work one Sunday, already knowing that the day will suck. Sundays used to be the busy days at that point, and after I finished with my janitor duties, I would help the house keepers by making their beds, which could take four or five extra hours some days. This day was no different. I finish my janitor crap, and begin making beds. An hour or so later, one of the keepers yelled for me. She told me that I "have to see this room." Immediately I am excited. Every time I am told that I must see something, I am filled with a sense of joy. I bound down the hall to the room she was in, enter the room, and am stopped dead in my tracks.
I have heard that from time to time, sex parties get thrown, even in the crappy little town I live in. I have never seen the aftermath of one, so when I stepped into this room, I was stunned. As I scanned the room, this is what I saw:
- Empty boxes and wrappers of condoms just laying about
- Obviously used condoms, both in the trash cans, and on the floor
- An empty box of KY Jelly
- An empty box of Astro-Glide
- One condom that had a red coloration that I could tell was not originally on the condom
- One little plastic cup that appeared to be filled with semen
Kids, if you are going to have a little sex party, and decide to have it in a hotel, please take care of your trash. While it is funny to think about leaving your "used paraphernalia" for someone else to deal with, it's just not nice. Or your could leave a nice tip for the house keeper. That might make it better.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Buck Reviews "Deadly Premonition," One of the Best Worst Games Ever
Last year, I bought "Alan Wake," which is a fantastic survival/horror game. After beating it, I read up on it a little, and read that it was based off of an early 90's TV series, Twin Peaks. I then looked into Twin Peaks, and discovered that another game was made last year that was also based off of it, named Deadly Premonition. So I looked that game up, and was surprised at the reviews it got. They basically ranged from a 2 out of 10 to a 10 out of 10, depending on who was reviewing it. Naturally, I was intrigued. Lucky for me, a friend of mine bought the game, mostly because he found it for only $15, and it has easy achievements. After managing to ruin his copy in a freak stepping-on-a-cord-making-my-X-Box-fall-while-loading-causing-a-huge-scratch accident, I rented it so I could finally play this beast. Finally, after around 20 hours of playing it, I beat it, and now I shall tell you all about it.
GRAPHICS: If you have ever played the first, maybe even the second Resident Evil game, then you have a grasp of the graphics. For a game that came out in 2010, you would really think that it could have something at least on the level of an original X-Box game. It looks like a last gen PS1/early PS2 game. Granted, it was originally supposed to come out in 2007, but still. There are plenty of graphical hiccups, such as people just kinda moving through sections of walls,and the background just kind of popping up out of nowhere. The animations of characters are also painful to watch. Everyone moves as though they were in a box. Just about every character only has two, maybe three facial expressions at most. Repetitive animations. If you were to just watch the game, it would be a chore to sit through. Bottom line: The graphics are crap.
SOUND: The sound of this game is amazingly awful. I loved it. The game has three or four main songs it plays throughout, sometimes seemingly at random. Sometimes it can turn a serious moment into a hilarious one, simply because the music does not at all reflect what is happening. Anytime I heard what I call "The Whistle Song," I just could not help but whistle along. I'm sure I missed a few important plot points simply because I was getting into that damn song. The voice acting is also pretty good...for the most part. Sometimes they seem to phone in a line, but who cares? There is also hours and hours of extra dialogue they included, from your character talking to himself as he drives to pass the time, to the exchanges between you and the town folk. I also love how they just re-use every sound effect. Every door in the game, including prison cell doors and giant metal gates, sound like an old, rickety closet door. There's also only two walking sounds. It was always sound like you're either walking on a tile floor in high heels, or walking through some high grass. When it comes to the sound, it is basically awesome, as long as you don't mind repetition.
GAMEPLAY: Probably the worst aspect of the game. Walking around is a pain in the ass. It is best to pay attention to your surroundings, because if you don't, you will walk into some chair, and spend about 30 seconds trying to maneuver away from it. The driving is awful. Any vehicle you get into feels either like you're driving a soaped-up stick of butter, or a giant stone block. Also, when the camera changes while you're moving, the controls get all screwy, because pressing "Up" is always the move forward button, which screws you up when you're moving toward the screen, or across it horizontally. You also have to be lined up perfectly to interact with most objects. Combat...dear god. The combat will make you want to break your controller. Since they did not include an option to adjust the sensitivity while aiming a gun, you have to deal with their fucked up aiming scheme. It's usually not that big of a deal once you get used to it, but later when you have to be precise, it will make you cry. Melee weapons have a very limited durability, so I wouldn't even bother with them except when breaking boxes and wooden fences. Also, either the map sucks, or that town was laid out by an asshole. Everything is set way too far apart. However, with all that said, I will say that DP is very innovative in one aspect. It is a sandbox type game, where you can run around and do stuff other than the story mode. The cool part about that is the other characters are not always where they should be. They drive around town, go to the store, get gas, all sorts of stuff. So if you're looking for a character to do their side quest, you are most likely going to have to track them down. If they're driving, you can't just ram them off the road. You have to follow them until they stop and then talk to them. You also have to make sure you get sleep and eat, otherwise you start bitching and moaning. At least I think you do. I never really had an issue with food or sleep, since food is laying around everywhere, and there's plenty of places to sleep. Over all, the controls are shit, combat is shit, driving is shit, but it does bring a little something new to the whole sand box aspect.
CHARACTERS: The characters are either the second best part of this game, or tied for first. You play as FBI Agent Francis York Morgan, a man who gets tips from his coffee, speaks to his invisible friend Zack, and is kind of an asshole, but not really on purpose. What I love is how every single character you meet has their own personal back story. All of them. Each character is unique. I really wish I could go into detail on them, but I can't, because almost all of them are important to the main plot, and I don't want to spoil anything about this game. You will either love, hate, or be amused by everyone you meet in that little town. There is some incredible character development that happens as the game goes on. Just trust me, the characters in this game almost make the game worth buying in and of themselves.
PLOT/STORY: I would like to go on record and say that the main story to Deadly Premonition is fucking incredible. Remember earlier when I said that this game is inspired by Twin Peaks? Well, if you've seen that show, then you already have a basic idea of what this game is like. It's a murder mystery, who-done-it, with so damn many plot twists, you never really know what is going on. Most of the fun is just trying to figure out what might happen next. Basically, Agent Morgan arrives at a small town to investigate the murder of a teenage girl, and as you go about solving the case, everything gets bat-shit crazy. Just when you think you have it figured out, it turns out that you were completely wrong. Or maybe I'm just not a good detective. Either way, when the climax came, I was all "Holy shit, why didn't I notice that?!" Trying to figure out the mystery, along with learning how the rest of the town folk tie into it, is just incredible. I don't think I've played a game with anything close to it before, and unless they release a Deadly Premonition 2, I probably won't for a very long time. If I were to rate the story, I've give it a big !! out of 10.
So, in conclusion, if you don't care too much about how pretty a game is, and how horrible the controls are, and the repetition of the sound score, and how tragic the combat system is, then I suggest you go and buy the crap out of this game. Most places sell it for less than $20. For that small price, you get a game that has some of the best character development, some of the funniest moments, and one of the best stories I've experienced in any game so far, and in most movies. Granted, it's basically Twin Peaks: The Game, but that show is incredible, so don't bitch about it. The fact that people who love Halo and Gears of War and all that simply hate this game just lets you know that some people have no idea what to do with a truly original game. Deadly Premonition is an incredible train wreck, and I loved every single minute of it.
If you're still not sure about this game, just watch these clips. They'll give you a small glimpse of the characters, and also The Whistle Song. You're welcome.
http://youtu.be/ZgZSxoUsaCc
http://youtu.be/rp5krDoflLI
GRAPHICS: If you have ever played the first, maybe even the second Resident Evil game, then you have a grasp of the graphics. For a game that came out in 2010, you would really think that it could have something at least on the level of an original X-Box game. It looks like a last gen PS1/early PS2 game. Granted, it was originally supposed to come out in 2007, but still. There are plenty of graphical hiccups, such as people just kinda moving through sections of walls,and the background just kind of popping up out of nowhere. The animations of characters are also painful to watch. Everyone moves as though they were in a box. Just about every character only has two, maybe three facial expressions at most. Repetitive animations. If you were to just watch the game, it would be a chore to sit through. Bottom line: The graphics are crap.
SOUND: The sound of this game is amazingly awful. I loved it. The game has three or four main songs it plays throughout, sometimes seemingly at random. Sometimes it can turn a serious moment into a hilarious one, simply because the music does not at all reflect what is happening. Anytime I heard what I call "The Whistle Song," I just could not help but whistle along. I'm sure I missed a few important plot points simply because I was getting into that damn song. The voice acting is also pretty good...for the most part. Sometimes they seem to phone in a line, but who cares? There is also hours and hours of extra dialogue they included, from your character talking to himself as he drives to pass the time, to the exchanges between you and the town folk. I also love how they just re-use every sound effect. Every door in the game, including prison cell doors and giant metal gates, sound like an old, rickety closet door. There's also only two walking sounds. It was always sound like you're either walking on a tile floor in high heels, or walking through some high grass. When it comes to the sound, it is basically awesome, as long as you don't mind repetition.
GAMEPLAY: Probably the worst aspect of the game. Walking around is a pain in the ass. It is best to pay attention to your surroundings, because if you don't, you will walk into some chair, and spend about 30 seconds trying to maneuver away from it. The driving is awful. Any vehicle you get into feels either like you're driving a soaped-up stick of butter, or a giant stone block. Also, when the camera changes while you're moving, the controls get all screwy, because pressing "Up" is always the move forward button, which screws you up when you're moving toward the screen, or across it horizontally. You also have to be lined up perfectly to interact with most objects. Combat...dear god. The combat will make you want to break your controller. Since they did not include an option to adjust the sensitivity while aiming a gun, you have to deal with their fucked up aiming scheme. It's usually not that big of a deal once you get used to it, but later when you have to be precise, it will make you cry. Melee weapons have a very limited durability, so I wouldn't even bother with them except when breaking boxes and wooden fences. Also, either the map sucks, or that town was laid out by an asshole. Everything is set way too far apart. However, with all that said, I will say that DP is very innovative in one aspect. It is a sandbox type game, where you can run around and do stuff other than the story mode. The cool part about that is the other characters are not always where they should be. They drive around town, go to the store, get gas, all sorts of stuff. So if you're looking for a character to do their side quest, you are most likely going to have to track them down. If they're driving, you can't just ram them off the road. You have to follow them until they stop and then talk to them. You also have to make sure you get sleep and eat, otherwise you start bitching and moaning. At least I think you do. I never really had an issue with food or sleep, since food is laying around everywhere, and there's plenty of places to sleep. Over all, the controls are shit, combat is shit, driving is shit, but it does bring a little something new to the whole sand box aspect.
CHARACTERS: The characters are either the second best part of this game, or tied for first. You play as FBI Agent Francis York Morgan, a man who gets tips from his coffee, speaks to his invisible friend Zack, and is kind of an asshole, but not really on purpose. What I love is how every single character you meet has their own personal back story. All of them. Each character is unique. I really wish I could go into detail on them, but I can't, because almost all of them are important to the main plot, and I don't want to spoil anything about this game. You will either love, hate, or be amused by everyone you meet in that little town. There is some incredible character development that happens as the game goes on. Just trust me, the characters in this game almost make the game worth buying in and of themselves.
PLOT/STORY: I would like to go on record and say that the main story to Deadly Premonition is fucking incredible. Remember earlier when I said that this game is inspired by Twin Peaks? Well, if you've seen that show, then you already have a basic idea of what this game is like. It's a murder mystery, who-done-it, with so damn many plot twists, you never really know what is going on. Most of the fun is just trying to figure out what might happen next. Basically, Agent Morgan arrives at a small town to investigate the murder of a teenage girl, and as you go about solving the case, everything gets bat-shit crazy. Just when you think you have it figured out, it turns out that you were completely wrong. Or maybe I'm just not a good detective. Either way, when the climax came, I was all "Holy shit, why didn't I notice that?!" Trying to figure out the mystery, along with learning how the rest of the town folk tie into it, is just incredible. I don't think I've played a game with anything close to it before, and unless they release a Deadly Premonition 2, I probably won't for a very long time. If I were to rate the story, I've give it a big !! out of 10.
So, in conclusion, if you don't care too much about how pretty a game is, and how horrible the controls are, and the repetition of the sound score, and how tragic the combat system is, then I suggest you go and buy the crap out of this game. Most places sell it for less than $20. For that small price, you get a game that has some of the best character development, some of the funniest moments, and one of the best stories I've experienced in any game so far, and in most movies. Granted, it's basically Twin Peaks: The Game, but that show is incredible, so don't bitch about it. The fact that people who love Halo and Gears of War and all that simply hate this game just lets you know that some people have no idea what to do with a truly original game. Deadly Premonition is an incredible train wreck, and I loved every single minute of it.
If you're still not sure about this game, just watch these clips. They'll give you a small glimpse of the characters, and also The Whistle Song. You're welcome.
http://youtu.be/ZgZSxoUsaCc
http://youtu.be/rp5krDoflLI
Friday, June 3, 2011
A Moment of Self-Reflection
Currently, it is 2:50 am on a now Friday morning. I was sitting outside on our porch, smoking a cigarette, alone in the peaceful dark, and just thinking. Not about anything in particular, just letting my mind wander. In my thinking, I realized exactly how fortunate and blessed I am. Not really in the way that some people consider, but in a deeper, more real sense. Sure, I currently have no money that I can spend the way I would like, and I spend a good amount of time concerned for my health, but those are matters I can deal with later. I know the steps I can take to solve those problems, but I do not consider them important enough to worry about. When I say I am blessed, I mean in the people that I surround myself with.
I honestly feel with every fiber of my being that I have the greatest group of friends anyone could ask for. For example, a few nights ago, a bunch of us got together to just waste away an entire day, just hanging out, drinking a little, and having fun. Well, one of them got entirely too drunk, said things he wishes he hadn't, and decided to wander off to a party up the street. Any other group of people might have gotten pissed at him for what he was saying, and just let him go and get into whatever trouble might have happened at that party of mostly strangers. However, our friends were not about to let that slide, and we went to drag him away. Sure, it took us about 30 minutes to talk him into leaving. Even after we got him back to our party, he went off on his tangent. Apparently, he should not ever, EVER drink Vodka again. What I'm getting at is that after that night, I realized that if I were to ever do anything really stupid, say things that might cross a few lines, and just generally act a fool, I know my friends will look after my best interests, even if I am not. Upon realizing that, as long as this group of misfits, which most people would just assume are a bunch of slackers, assholes, and bitches, which we are, as long as we all stay together, we will all be in safe hands. I have managed to belong to a group that genuinely cares for one another, even if we want to just knock the shit out of each other from time to time, but that's what true friends are for. While I'm on the subject of friends, and even though I know he won't read this, I gotta say something about my friend John. Contrary to the fact that he's acting like a 12 year old girl about what I said about him, which I have said to his face in the past (for those that might not know, I called him gay. I know he's not gay, but he is a little girl sometimes, such as this), I honestly hope he gets over the sand in his vagina. If he shows up at our annual 4th of July shindig, I'll tell him in person. Until then, maybe some one reading this can pass the message along. If he still wants to be a middle-schooler about this, then so be it. All I can do is try. In conclusion of this section, I love every one of you people. If you called upon me for any sort of favor (except money. I'm broke as fuck), I will be there. Some big dude gonna whoop your ass? I've gotten pretty good at absorbing punches from big dudes. If nothing else, I'll distract him long enough for you to get out of there. You need someone to be an accomplice for something that might be a little illegal? I'll let you know how stupid it is, but I'll probably go along with you, and we can hang out in jail for a few nights afterwards. I will always have all of your backs, because I know that if I ever need it, you will have mine as well.
I also realized that I was raised by two of the best people. Ever. Am I being biased? Yes, and I don't care. Everything I am I am because of what I either inherited from them, or from what they taught me. Even though they split when my sister and I were tiny, both my mother and father impacted my life in equally important ways. Watching my mom raise four kids basically by herself, with all the problems we caused her through all of these years, and all the problems I'm sure we will continue to cause her, she has never once let us down. She has more loving patience than any of us kids deserved to have shared with us. All the stupid shit the four of us have done, and yet she still managed to calm herself down just enough to let us live to see the next sunrise. Incredible. When my sister shaved off her eye brow, when I went through my "angsty goth" phase, my sister getting pregnant, Dan getting in an impressive amount of trouble at school, me letting that kid just kick my ass in my senior year and coming home all sorts of messed up, Dan and Damon waking up and emptying the fridge out onto the kitchen floor, me almost making her kill me when I was two and demanding "Rocky Rocky" very, very early in the morning... I mean, any other mother would have snapped at least once, and suddenly only had three kids to deal with, but not her. Either through determination or just sheer stubbornness you have managed to raise four basically well-adjusted kids. You are the first half of my personal hero tag team. You have taught me patience, courage, and the determination to survive in a world that seems to be out to shit on people. There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Well, except change your diapers when you get old. I just don't think I could wipe poop off of your butt. I will if I have to, but if Jass could do that, I'd be so much happier.
My dad. What can I say about him? Growing up, I didn't see as much of you as I would have liked, but since you spent a good deal of time out of Missouri, I knew you couldn't make it here as often as you wanted. I know we've had our spats, like when I messed up your lawn mower blade, wore nail polish when you came over (mostly to mess with you and see what you would do), and made myself breakfast without making you any. I'm sure as the years go on, we'll argue and get pissed at each other, and I am perfectly fine with that. I know that no matter how much we may piss each other off, we will always put it behind us. As much as I am like mom, I am just as much like you. Everything from being a complete jack ass, to allergies, to my short temper, to my refusal to take shit and deal with drama, to my ability to just not care what other people think of me, you have given me several very important tools to combat this world with. You have become the man that I measure myself up against. Everything that you have had to deal with in just my life time, and to still wear a smile on your face and seem generally happy when we hang out impresses me. You are the second half of my personal hero tag team. Just as with mom, I will do anything for you, especially not change your diapers, because I know you'd try to shit on me on purpose.
How can I talk about my parents without talking about my brothers and sisters? We will go in order of age. Jass, you and I have had quite the rocky road. I know I used to say some horrible things to you, and for no real reason. I think mostly because I wanted on the computer. Yeah, I used to be real mature that way. While you can be quite a bitch, I love you with fire that can't be put out. I long since decided that while I have made you feel like shit, if anyone else does, that's an ass-kicking. You're my sister, and only I am allowed to piss you off. For example, when you were pregnant with Zane, and you just blurted out that Chip raped you (or at least that's what my ears heard), I went out looking for him. I was fully prepared to go to prison for murder that night. Come to find out that he didn't, but still. I will always be there for you if you ever need anything. I might charge you a couple of cigarettes, but I'll be right there if I can.
Danny boy. Butt face. Turd sniffer. I must say, seeing you now, and comparing you to the child you were, you impress me. The fact that mom didn't kill you as a child is incredible. You were such a pain in the ass. As you grew older, you leveled out, and now you walk around with the strut and swagger of a bad ass, which makes me smile. While you are pretty impressive at the Guitar Hero, and I remember the cool stuff you would build with your Bionical pieces, what I most enjoy is your zero tolerance for bullshit. I recall a few episodes during the past school year or two. When you smacked around the kid that was picking on a handicapped kid, I wanted to be upset, but I could not. You stood up for someone that needed help, and that is an admiral trait in anyone. You probably shouldn't have punched him, but sometimes people just need a good thumpin'. The other instance was towards the end of your senior year. When you turned a kid's head into a punching bag for talking bad about your relationships, again, I wanted to be upset, but I couldn't. I would have done the exact same thing if I was in that situation, especially since you apparently warned him several times. You would think that, since I'm sure you had a reputation at that point for punching people, that they would just leave your ass alone. All I can say about that is now that you are out of highschool, try to avoid hitting people. Eventually you're going to come across someone who can take your punches, and kick your ass. While I believe that every man needs their ass kicked every now and then, it's best to try to avoid it as long as possible. Trust me, it's never fun. So, all I can say is to keep being your goofy, metal loving, no shit taking self. If you ever need anything, from lady problems to a possible violent eruption, I will have your back. My beard and your mustache will conquer all.
Damon, the man of the hour, the tower of power, too damn sweet to be sour! I would complain about you spending too much time in front of that computer, but I did the same damn thing when I was your age. Hell, I still do it now. I can't wait to see what you do with your life. You have an incredible sense of humor, and are smart as hell. I remember you asking me what math class I was taking in college, and being disappointed when you heard I was "only" in basic algebra. I got a good chuckle. When you and Jass get around each other is some of my favorite memories. Anyone else hearing you two would think you hated one another. I LOVE hearing and watching you guys fight. I still remember when you spent years refusing to wear pants, and were happy as hell to run around in your underwear all day. I hope that when you get older, you are able to return to that state. I want to visit you, and walk in to see you just lounging around in some Tidy Whiteys, in a perfect state of bliss. While we don't talk much, mostly because that would require you to peel your eyes from that monitor, I love the crap out of you, sir. I also know you probably won't read this, since you are entirely too cool to get on Facebook. So, hurry up, graduate high school, ace your way through college and get rich so the rest of us can mooch off of you.
Let's see, I'm forgetting someone...some beautiful lady...Oh right! Amanda. There are not enough words in any dictionary in any language to describe my feelings towards you. Before I met you, I was a miserable blob. I spent my days pissed at work, pissed at being poor, pissed at people for no reason other than because I wanted them to be as miserable as I was, but they weren't, which just made me even madder. When you came along...you know, I'm not even afraid to admit it. We met on a dating website. There, I said it. We met the truly nerdy way, and I couldn't be happier about it. When we clicked on each others profiles, and started talking, I didn't have very high expectations. I had met chicks from that site before, and it never went well, so I figured it would just wind up the same way this time. How very wrong I was. In the past almost-two years, I can say I have been the happiest I have ever been. You have shown me what true love is. What I thought was love in the past can't even compare to what I feel for you. A few hours ago, when I was sitting outside in the dark, just thinking, what I wanted more than anything else, even more than a good cheeseburger, was you sitting there with me. While we have certainly had our arguments, and I know for a fact we will have many more as we grow older together, I love you more after each fight we have, because I know you will not put up with my shit, and that is exactly what I need in a woman. As I told you a year or so ago, if we were to break up, I'd be done. There is no way I could find a woman that is as caring, compassionate, honest, both beautiful on the inside as well as the outside, patient, and just simply incredible as you are. When I look into our future, I see us being successful in our careers because we push each other to do better, and having a couple of beautiful little turd ball kids. Will the kids piss us off? Oh yeah, especially if they take after me, but I know you will love them with such a burning passion that they will turn out to be wonderful. And if they don't, well, then I'd just take the belt to them. I'm kidding. I'd sell them on the Black Market. I know I'm not very good at showing my emotions and feelings most of the time, and you get mad at me for not being much of a talker and not being very romantic, I can tell you, from the very bottom on my heart, that you are my world. The thought of losing you is almost enough to send me into a depression. I know that your parents probably don't like me, but I don't care. We are meant to be together forever, irritating the shit out of each other until we die of old age. You have helped me become a better person on a whole. You were the one that finally talked me into getting off my ass and going to college. You will be the one to help me finally quit smoking eventually someday hopefully. You are the voice that goes through my head when I'm about to do something stupid, and talk me out of it. My love for you is like a giant spiked wrecking ball, destroying every single obstacle in my way. With you by my side, I will be happy forever, even if I want to shake the crap out of you some times.
I know there are other people I should mention, but it's 5am now, and I'm tired. So, to everyone else who might feel like I didn't talk about them in any of the above paragraphs, I appreciate and love you in a variety of ways that I'm just too tired to write about, to be honest. Now, I will end this, and go back to sitting on the porch, and smoke a cigarette before I pass out.
I honestly feel with every fiber of my being that I have the greatest group of friends anyone could ask for. For example, a few nights ago, a bunch of us got together to just waste away an entire day, just hanging out, drinking a little, and having fun. Well, one of them got entirely too drunk, said things he wishes he hadn't, and decided to wander off to a party up the street. Any other group of people might have gotten pissed at him for what he was saying, and just let him go and get into whatever trouble might have happened at that party of mostly strangers. However, our friends were not about to let that slide, and we went to drag him away. Sure, it took us about 30 minutes to talk him into leaving. Even after we got him back to our party, he went off on his tangent. Apparently, he should not ever, EVER drink Vodka again. What I'm getting at is that after that night, I realized that if I were to ever do anything really stupid, say things that might cross a few lines, and just generally act a fool, I know my friends will look after my best interests, even if I am not. Upon realizing that, as long as this group of misfits, which most people would just assume are a bunch of slackers, assholes, and bitches, which we are, as long as we all stay together, we will all be in safe hands. I have managed to belong to a group that genuinely cares for one another, even if we want to just knock the shit out of each other from time to time, but that's what true friends are for. While I'm on the subject of friends, and even though I know he won't read this, I gotta say something about my friend John. Contrary to the fact that he's acting like a 12 year old girl about what I said about him, which I have said to his face in the past (for those that might not know, I called him gay. I know he's not gay, but he is a little girl sometimes, such as this), I honestly hope he gets over the sand in his vagina. If he shows up at our annual 4th of July shindig, I'll tell him in person. Until then, maybe some one reading this can pass the message along. If he still wants to be a middle-schooler about this, then so be it. All I can do is try. In conclusion of this section, I love every one of you people. If you called upon me for any sort of favor (except money. I'm broke as fuck), I will be there. Some big dude gonna whoop your ass? I've gotten pretty good at absorbing punches from big dudes. If nothing else, I'll distract him long enough for you to get out of there. You need someone to be an accomplice for something that might be a little illegal? I'll let you know how stupid it is, but I'll probably go along with you, and we can hang out in jail for a few nights afterwards. I will always have all of your backs, because I know that if I ever need it, you will have mine as well.
I also realized that I was raised by two of the best people. Ever. Am I being biased? Yes, and I don't care. Everything I am I am because of what I either inherited from them, or from what they taught me. Even though they split when my sister and I were tiny, both my mother and father impacted my life in equally important ways. Watching my mom raise four kids basically by herself, with all the problems we caused her through all of these years, and all the problems I'm sure we will continue to cause her, she has never once let us down. She has more loving patience than any of us kids deserved to have shared with us. All the stupid shit the four of us have done, and yet she still managed to calm herself down just enough to let us live to see the next sunrise. Incredible. When my sister shaved off her eye brow, when I went through my "angsty goth" phase, my sister getting pregnant, Dan getting in an impressive amount of trouble at school, me letting that kid just kick my ass in my senior year and coming home all sorts of messed up, Dan and Damon waking up and emptying the fridge out onto the kitchen floor, me almost making her kill me when I was two and demanding "Rocky Rocky" very, very early in the morning... I mean, any other mother would have snapped at least once, and suddenly only had three kids to deal with, but not her. Either through determination or just sheer stubbornness you have managed to raise four basically well-adjusted kids. You are the first half of my personal hero tag team. You have taught me patience, courage, and the determination to survive in a world that seems to be out to shit on people. There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Well, except change your diapers when you get old. I just don't think I could wipe poop off of your butt. I will if I have to, but if Jass could do that, I'd be so much happier.
My dad. What can I say about him? Growing up, I didn't see as much of you as I would have liked, but since you spent a good deal of time out of Missouri, I knew you couldn't make it here as often as you wanted. I know we've had our spats, like when I messed up your lawn mower blade, wore nail polish when you came over (mostly to mess with you and see what you would do), and made myself breakfast without making you any. I'm sure as the years go on, we'll argue and get pissed at each other, and I am perfectly fine with that. I know that no matter how much we may piss each other off, we will always put it behind us. As much as I am like mom, I am just as much like you. Everything from being a complete jack ass, to allergies, to my short temper, to my refusal to take shit and deal with drama, to my ability to just not care what other people think of me, you have given me several very important tools to combat this world with. You have become the man that I measure myself up against. Everything that you have had to deal with in just my life time, and to still wear a smile on your face and seem generally happy when we hang out impresses me. You are the second half of my personal hero tag team. Just as with mom, I will do anything for you, especially not change your diapers, because I know you'd try to shit on me on purpose.
How can I talk about my parents without talking about my brothers and sisters? We will go in order of age. Jass, you and I have had quite the rocky road. I know I used to say some horrible things to you, and for no real reason. I think mostly because I wanted on the computer. Yeah, I used to be real mature that way. While you can be quite a bitch, I love you with fire that can't be put out. I long since decided that while I have made you feel like shit, if anyone else does, that's an ass-kicking. You're my sister, and only I am allowed to piss you off. For example, when you were pregnant with Zane, and you just blurted out that Chip raped you (or at least that's what my ears heard), I went out looking for him. I was fully prepared to go to prison for murder that night. Come to find out that he didn't, but still. I will always be there for you if you ever need anything. I might charge you a couple of cigarettes, but I'll be right there if I can.
Danny boy. Butt face. Turd sniffer. I must say, seeing you now, and comparing you to the child you were, you impress me. The fact that mom didn't kill you as a child is incredible. You were such a pain in the ass. As you grew older, you leveled out, and now you walk around with the strut and swagger of a bad ass, which makes me smile. While you are pretty impressive at the Guitar Hero, and I remember the cool stuff you would build with your Bionical pieces, what I most enjoy is your zero tolerance for bullshit. I recall a few episodes during the past school year or two. When you smacked around the kid that was picking on a handicapped kid, I wanted to be upset, but I could not. You stood up for someone that needed help, and that is an admiral trait in anyone. You probably shouldn't have punched him, but sometimes people just need a good thumpin'. The other instance was towards the end of your senior year. When you turned a kid's head into a punching bag for talking bad about your relationships, again, I wanted to be upset, but I couldn't. I would have done the exact same thing if I was in that situation, especially since you apparently warned him several times. You would think that, since I'm sure you had a reputation at that point for punching people, that they would just leave your ass alone. All I can say about that is now that you are out of highschool, try to avoid hitting people. Eventually you're going to come across someone who can take your punches, and kick your ass. While I believe that every man needs their ass kicked every now and then, it's best to try to avoid it as long as possible. Trust me, it's never fun. So, all I can say is to keep being your goofy, metal loving, no shit taking self. If you ever need anything, from lady problems to a possible violent eruption, I will have your back. My beard and your mustache will conquer all.
Damon, the man of the hour, the tower of power, too damn sweet to be sour! I would complain about you spending too much time in front of that computer, but I did the same damn thing when I was your age. Hell, I still do it now. I can't wait to see what you do with your life. You have an incredible sense of humor, and are smart as hell. I remember you asking me what math class I was taking in college, and being disappointed when you heard I was "only" in basic algebra. I got a good chuckle. When you and Jass get around each other is some of my favorite memories. Anyone else hearing you two would think you hated one another. I LOVE hearing and watching you guys fight. I still remember when you spent years refusing to wear pants, and were happy as hell to run around in your underwear all day. I hope that when you get older, you are able to return to that state. I want to visit you, and walk in to see you just lounging around in some Tidy Whiteys, in a perfect state of bliss. While we don't talk much, mostly because that would require you to peel your eyes from that monitor, I love the crap out of you, sir. I also know you probably won't read this, since you are entirely too cool to get on Facebook. So, hurry up, graduate high school, ace your way through college and get rich so the rest of us can mooch off of you.
Let's see, I'm forgetting someone...some beautiful lady...Oh right! Amanda. There are not enough words in any dictionary in any language to describe my feelings towards you. Before I met you, I was a miserable blob. I spent my days pissed at work, pissed at being poor, pissed at people for no reason other than because I wanted them to be as miserable as I was, but they weren't, which just made me even madder. When you came along...you know, I'm not even afraid to admit it. We met on a dating website. There, I said it. We met the truly nerdy way, and I couldn't be happier about it. When we clicked on each others profiles, and started talking, I didn't have very high expectations. I had met chicks from that site before, and it never went well, so I figured it would just wind up the same way this time. How very wrong I was. In the past almost-two years, I can say I have been the happiest I have ever been. You have shown me what true love is. What I thought was love in the past can't even compare to what I feel for you. A few hours ago, when I was sitting outside in the dark, just thinking, what I wanted more than anything else, even more than a good cheeseburger, was you sitting there with me. While we have certainly had our arguments, and I know for a fact we will have many more as we grow older together, I love you more after each fight we have, because I know you will not put up with my shit, and that is exactly what I need in a woman. As I told you a year or so ago, if we were to break up, I'd be done. There is no way I could find a woman that is as caring, compassionate, honest, both beautiful on the inside as well as the outside, patient, and just simply incredible as you are. When I look into our future, I see us being successful in our careers because we push each other to do better, and having a couple of beautiful little turd ball kids. Will the kids piss us off? Oh yeah, especially if they take after me, but I know you will love them with such a burning passion that they will turn out to be wonderful. And if they don't, well, then I'd just take the belt to them. I'm kidding. I'd sell them on the Black Market. I know I'm not very good at showing my emotions and feelings most of the time, and you get mad at me for not being much of a talker and not being very romantic, I can tell you, from the very bottom on my heart, that you are my world. The thought of losing you is almost enough to send me into a depression. I know that your parents probably don't like me, but I don't care. We are meant to be together forever, irritating the shit out of each other until we die of old age. You have helped me become a better person on a whole. You were the one that finally talked me into getting off my ass and going to college. You will be the one to help me finally quit smoking eventually someday hopefully. You are the voice that goes through my head when I'm about to do something stupid, and talk me out of it. My love for you is like a giant spiked wrecking ball, destroying every single obstacle in my way. With you by my side, I will be happy forever, even if I want to shake the crap out of you some times.
I know there are other people I should mention, but it's 5am now, and I'm tired. So, to everyone else who might feel like I didn't talk about them in any of the above paragraphs, I appreciate and love you in a variety of ways that I'm just too tired to write about, to be honest. Now, I will end this, and go back to sitting on the porch, and smoke a cigarette before I pass out.
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