Saturday, March 12, 2011

Buck Faces his Ultimate Test

In his life, every man will come upon a crossroad. He spends his entire life up to that moment preparing himself mentally and physically. It is his ultimate test of willpower, fortitude, and endurance. I have spent the past 10+ years browsing the Internet in hopes of seeing every single horrible act. I've seen countless BMXers nut themselves on rails. I've seen a near unlimited amount of vomit, urine, semen, blood, and fecal matter countless varieties. I've discovered fetishes that I can't even fathom. I believe I have seen the worst the Internet can throw at me. I've witnessed what happens when a man sticks his penis inside the penis of another man. I've seen man stick his head (the one on top of his shoulders) fully inside the gaping maw-like vagina of a woman. I believe I was the first among my group of friends to discover Goatse and Tub Girl, back before they were cool things. I have sat through 2 Girls 1 Cup, and it didn't phase me. I watched the entire 1hr 30min long hurricane of fluids that is SWAP.avi, and that didn't even bother me. I've even sat through most of an episode of America's Next Top Model without killing myself. After witnessing everything that I have on the Internet, I believed myself to be impervious to pain. I got cocky. I felt invincible. Nothing could phase me.

So as I came across my Crossroads, I blew it off. I didn't feel that a shitty TV show could top anything the Internet has to offer. I mean, come on. What do you think could possibly make me cringe if cartoon drawings of girls with shitting dick-nipples can't? Not even in my league. But my opponent kept daring me. Challenging my manhood. Telling me I wouldn't last one episode. Making fun of my mother. Who do a bunch of douches from Jersey Shore think they are? So, I find a site that has episodes of The Jersey Shore. I sat back and watched a few episodes of the first season.

A month or so down the line, I have watched about half of the first season, and the entire second season of Jersey Shore. Everyone kept asking me "Why? Why would you watch that show? You know it's going to be horrible." You people have no idea. I had to make sure I know why this show is as popular, and also as hated, as is. So, here we go.

Jersey Shore is the single greatest train wreck that you will ever see. For those that might not know, they stick four of the bitchiest, sluttiest drama queens in the same house four of the douche-baggiest, fake tanned, jerk offs you'll ever see. It is a perfect mixture for comedy. I put it up on the same level as 2 Girls 1 Cup, in that once you start watching, you can't stop. It's horrible in every way, and you want to run, but you can't. Morbid curiosity drives you to keep watching. Every single person on this show is a piece of shit in their own way. Let's run down the cast:

First, we have Mike "The Situation." This guy is incredible. The best way I can think to describe him would be to transcribe what happened during an exchange he had with some skank in a club:

SKANK: I'm from Canada!
MIKE: Oh? "lifts his shirt, points to his abs"

I'm not making any of that up. That is the exact thing that happened. I laughed for 10 minutes, thinking there is no way he could have been serious. That is The Situation in action at all times. When working at the ice cream shop in season two, he would stand outside shirtless to attract customers, and he got upset and confused when it didn't work. He also considers himself to be the head of the household, and in charge of telling everyone when they are to leave the club to go home, which leads to one of Mike's best moments, when he slaps Snooki in the mouth because she doesn't want to leave. Mike also get's roid-ragey when he can't get any skanks to sleep with him.

Next we have Pauly D. He's a DJ that looks like a damn shark. He travels with a duffel bag filled with hair gel and spray tan. He is pretty much hell bent on drilling his pierced junk into whatever open wound stumbles in front of him. For the most part, he just wants to get laid, and loves informing the house about important events, such as "T-Shirt Time" and when "the cab is here!" His best moment was when he absolutely flipped shit on Angelina after she slapped him. I so wanted him to punch her, but apparently he's not that big of a piece of shit. Darn it. Basically, Pauly is a loud dumbass that I'm sure has an impressive amount of STD's.

Vinny...doesn't do much. I think he's the youngest of the group, which almost gives him a pass to act like a dip shit. He is the only one that almost makes sense. He was smart enough to avoid almost all of the drama that happened. He is credited with railing Snooki more times than anyone else, which is good for him? He is also the master of fist-pumping. Towards the end of Season Two, he and Angelina wanted to kill each other. They HATED each other. Two episodes later they're humpin'. Over all, Vinny just looks like a dumbass wigger that likes to have sex with Oompa-Loompa's.

Jennifer "Tits" is simply titties. She loves ham. Basically brain dead. She either almost fights or actually does fight every chick but Snooki, and even those two almost came to blows. She had a boyfriend in both seasons, I think the same guy. The first season saw her cheat on him with Pauly, which is where we, thank God, learn about his pierced junk. Second season he came to visit, and found the number of a guy he specifically told her not to call. Surprise, he got pissed, but she used her tits to lure him back. She is almost always half of the drama in the house. She and Snooki form a perfect tag-team of bitchy back-stabbing. With her around, there is always a chance of a fist fight.

Snooki is possibly the dumbest creature. Period. She spent the first episode drunk and trying to get one of the guys to fuck her, and then crying because everyone thought she was a fat hooker. Later some big dude fucking blasted her in the face. She spends most of season two banging Vinny. She really loves pickles. Most of her dialogue involves just random noises. Mike smacks her, which starts all sorts of hilarious drama between those two. She sleeps until roughly 9pm every night. And her vagina just winds up exposed randomly.

Angelina is the key point of drama in the show. She didn't last very long in the first season because when she was supposed to go work at the T-Shirt shop they all worked at, she decided that she's too important for that, and just didn't go. So the boss tracks her down, yells at her, she yells back some self-important shit, and then she gets kicked out. Season two, she tries to be good, which lasts about two episodes. Then she flips on Pauly for trying to have sex with a married woman, which causes Pauly to flip and almost punch her. She also got into a fist fight with Snooki, which was hilarious. She spent most of her time making sure shit was constantly being stirred.

The last two have to be introduced together, because they aren't worth shit separately. Ronnie and Sammi are the best couple ever. Ronnie is a roided up dumbass and Sammi is just too damn dumb to know what to do without his shriveled up wiener. They got together in season one, then broke up. Got back together in season two, and somehow made it work. They'd all go out to the club, Ronnie would get drunk, call Sammi a dumb bitch, Sammi would cry and go home. Ron would make out with chicks, and then go home to hump Sammi. OH SNAP DRAMA because no one told Sammi about the chicks Ron was with while he was with her. Season two focused around Ron cheating on Sammi, and everyone besides Sammi knowing about it. The other girls in the house typed up a note, and hid it in Sammi's drawer. When she found out, all sorts of not much happened. So much fail. They all kinda argued a little, and then Ron and Sam got back together. Fucking idiots can't even give a decent drama-show with weeks of build up.

I was going to write more, but I'm tired. All you have to know is that Jersey Shore is the biggest ball of fail that has ever happened. Everyone on the show, with the possible exception on Vinny, is a sweltering pool of STD's and ignorance, and god dammit, I can't help but watch. The saddest part is that their key demographic age is 12-34. That's right, fucking 12. This show just proves that our country is the worst country on the planet. People are starving to death as I type this, but these jack-offs are making $10,000 an episode each. I hope we get bombed into the stone age, because we deserve it. This shit is one of the hottest shows right now. It's either because of people like me, who love to see failure in action, or because ignorant people actually think it's something cool. I weep for us as a country, and simultaneously wish for our demise.

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