Thursday, February 9, 2012

True Story

My World Literature teacher asked us to share a story that relates to what Odysseus went through in the epic poem "The Odyssey." Since it has to be true, I could only think of one story. This is all 100% fact.

            While watching the Odyssey, I remembered a time in my life that is strikingly familiar to the film. My girlfriend and I went on a trip to the city, where we stopped at Fudruckers for a bite to eat. It was there that I tackled the challenge of eating a TWO POUND cheeseburger. As a lover of all things cheeseburger, I knew that I had to eat the entire thing, otherwise I am not a real man. After an epic battle of wills between me and my meaty nemesis, I emerged victorious. It was the proudest moment of my life. As I was standing on the table, bellowing out my battle cry, a roaming band of Vikings kicked the doors in. Too preoccupied with my unearthly roar, I did not notice them charging me from behind. I started spinning around just in time to see a massive war hammer thundering towards my skull. All went black. When I awoke, I noticed that my girlfriend was gone. I asked one of the servant girls where she went, and she told me that the Vikings took her. As I stood, eyes fixed upon the horizon, the young wench asked me what I wanted to do with my cheeseburger eating trophy. I told her that if I do not return before her son grows a beard, they were to give it to someone else. She said something about not having a child, but I was not listening. I tightened up the laces on my combat boots, and set off. For vengeance.
            As a Viking myself, I have known where all the local Vikings hang out my entire life, so I headed towards the nearest unpillaged village. Unfortunately, they were nowhere to be found. As I strolled through, a figure emerged. Upon closer inspection, he was a giant of a man who had suffered a lasting injury to his eye at some point, as he was wearing an eye patch. Brandishing a large club-like object, he obstructed my path. I asked if he had seen any Vikings lately, which he found hilarious apparently, because he started laughing, which only served to infuriate me further. As he was laughing, I charged him. I leaped towards his head, and buried my hand into his eye, and pulled it out. He clutched his open eyeball wound, screaming “Nobody does this to Polyphemus!” Turning my back to him, walking off in the distance, I said, “My guidance counselor always said I would grow up to be a…” I paused to put my sun glasses on. “…Nobody.” Then I snapped my fingers, and he exploded as someone screamed “Yeeeaaahhh!” and “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who started playing. I marched on.
              After several years of traveling and killing bad guys, I finally located the Vikings that stole my girlfriend. Most of them, having heard the tales of my bloody crusade across the lands, fled, because they knew better. However, one man stayed behind. As I approached him, he informed me that he would release my girlfriend back to me, but on one condition: I had to defeat the incredible beast Scylla. I informed him that I butter my toast with Scylla every morning, and demanded he take me to the creature. As he led up to the cliff side overlooking the horrible creature, I shoved the Viking over the cliff, into the waiting maw of the abomination because I am a man, not a moron. To my surprise, when it ate the Viking, it began to shake. Seconds later, it exploded. “Hmm,” I said. “I guess it was a vegetarian.” I found my girlfriend, we hopped on my portable bag of air, and we flew home.
True story.

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