Sunday, February 20, 2011

Why I absolutely will not watch Priest

Later this year, a film will be released that I've waited a few years for. It's called "Priest," and it's based off of my absolute favorite manga (I know it's a manhwa or whatever, but I don't care) by the same name. When I first heard that it was being made into a movie, I actually may have shit myself. Allow me to explain Priest to you.

**SPOILER!! Heads up, I'm about to spoil the shit out of this thing, so skip ahead if you don't want to know what happens in the good version of Priest. If you just plan on watching the movie, read on, because it won't matter since the movie is going to be absolute balls. I'm going to try to summarize everything neatly and quickly, so I may forget a thing or two. Kiss my ass, I'm tired**

The manhwa version of Priest is a spaghetti-western story about religion and killing zombies and demons.The main character is Ivan Isaacs. He is a devout follower of God and is awesome at ancient religious lore and artifacts and whatnot. Ivan is also deeply in love with a young lady named Gena, but was always too shy to tell her. Isn't that adorable? Well, Ivan gets invited to go solve the puzzle of a religious relic that the Vatican has stumbled upon. Ivan goes, but feels sad because he loves Gena. He can't pass up this opportunity, and Gena said she'd wait for him to get back. So Ivan goes off to check this thing out.

Ok, now we go back in time. We get a glimpse at the angels in heaven, how they were Gods chosen and all that. Well, when God made man, some of the angels got all pissy, and corrupted some of them to show God just how weak man is, and that He should discard them because angles are more badass. God was all "You guys are dicks!" and gave'em the boot. The leader of these angels is Temorzarela. He didn't really appreciate being kicked out, since he's an angel and loves God more than anyone/thing else ever. Well, when the Crusades came around, Temorzarela corrupted one of the badest assed soldiers, and he became Temorzarelas host. He then went on a tirade, killing all sorts of shit, bringing his fallen angel buddies with him.

Tem runs across the best heretic judger in the land, Betheal. Tem fucks with his head a little, and makes Betheals kind of adopted son kill a girl to show Betheal just how powerful he is. Betheal loses his shit, and makes a pact with a devil, and decides he's going to take care of Temorzarela. So he creates a big ass tomb, and seals both himself and Tem inside using some type of magic. They lay dormant for a long ass time.

Back to Isaac. He goes to check out the relic, which turns out to be the tomb. He has a dream warning him not to open it, so he's kinda hesitant. The church dudes he's with have other plans. Since Isaac doesn't want to open it, they bring out something that might change his mind: GENA! Oh shit! Since they think that his mind is too clouded with thoughts of things that aren't God, they're going to take some of that away. So they just straight up murder her right in front of him. Ivan declares that he's had better days, and goes a little insane. He then opens up the tomb, releasing Temozorela and Betheal. Betheal is pissed, Tem is super excited. So excited he basically just pops one of the other church dudes like a bubble. Ivan a blathering mess of sadness and fucking anger, so he gives half of his soul up to Betheal, and becomes half-demon. Together, they vow to murder the balls off of Temorzarela and his homies. The rest of the story is Ivan being a bad ass, murdering zombies and fallen angel/demons in the wild west, and they have a side story about a town that's going to be taken over by the demon/angels and zombies, but the asshole author never finished the damn thing, so we don't know how it all ends, other than fucking amazingly.

**End Spoilers**

You can go and look up a more details plot analysis. It's a great damn story, with awesome artwork, and cool fight scenes.

Now, the fucking movie. Well, it's about vampires, for one. I don't know how closely you read my summarization up there, but I did not ever, ever, EVER mention lame ass vampires. I can't stand vampires. The only good vampire movie that exists is 30 Days of Night, and I don't know if they ever say that they're vampires or not. Vampire movies all blow. All of them. So, there's that. Also, I'm pretty sure it takes place in the future For the most part, the manhwa was in the Wild West, with a little Biblical times, and very, very briefly in the present. But, whatever. In the movie, Ivan (actually, I don't think they even call him Ivan. All the information I've seen just calls him Priest) is going after his kidnapped niece. I guess they decided that since they had probably the best damn love story of all time (what with all the zombie murdering, demon slaying, and giving half his soul to a demon so Ivan can avenge his beloved Gena), they might as well just toss that shit to the side and make it a kidnap story. I'm sure they'll have some bimbo show up for "Priest" to fall in love with for some damn reason. I hate when movies do that. Like in the Thor trailers. I know that bitch is going to be a love interest for Thor. Why? It has no fucking bearing on the plot. Idiots. Anyway, at least they got the fact that "Priest" has weapons, can use them very effectively, and believes in God right.

There's no damn way I can sit through that movie. Mostly for the sake of my friends, because I'm sure they don't really want to go to a theater to see that with me. I guarantee all I would do is bitch. The entire time. For weeks. Just like I did with the X-Men movie. I've only seen the first one all the way, and that was enough. But seriously. Priest is a badass story with demons, angels, religion, zombies, terrifying violence, and a sprinkle of love. Not some bullshit about lame ass vampires. Fucking idiots.

1 comment:

  1. Don't you just love it when Hollywood takes something you love more than your luggage and they toss it in a blender and serve it out as shit soup....nothing makes me more upset. Like is it really that hard to stick to the story??? Shit heads.